Image via Complex Original
A driver is a captain that no one respects. You're responsible for the safety of everyone in the vehicle, but you're treated like a rented mule whose only purpose in life is to change the radio station. Passengers will spill their Big Gulps, demand restroom stops, and bark, "are we there yet?" every 15 miles until you pull into a Grand Canyon parking lot. It's not easy manning the steering wheel, and it's a whole lot harder when you have a Land Rover's worth of unwelcomed assistants. Buckle up as Complex Rides presents The Backseat Driving Comments We Hate the Most.
Written by Sean Evans (@seanseaevans)
"Slow down" or "speed up."
Pro tip: If you think you should speak up, don't.
Whether it's grandma puttering around in her Chrysler K Car or your irresponsible older brother Curt redlining his Z28, no one wants to hear your pace-related opinion. If you get into a vehicle with a guy that has a dream catcher tattoo on his neck and a skull shift knob, you should know full well that he's going triple the speed limit through a school zone. On the other side of the coin, anyone born before the Truman administration is going to come to a full stop during his or her left-handed turns. You either need to accept the passenger facts of life, or start riding your bike more.
"Can we roll a window down? I think I'm gonna puke."
Pro tip: If the nine whiskey sours you drank earlier in the evening are making an irreversible trip up your throat, remove the fedora from atop your head and use it as an impromptu vomit bucket.
Rolling down the window for an inebriated friend in need isn't difficult. But if you're too wasted to handle a car ride, then there's no way you're making a clean transfer of stomach matter from your mouth to the street, especially in a moving vehicle. As a driver, "Can someone roll a window down?" means that you're six minutes away from seeing a violent expulsion of liquid splash across your dashboard. Pull over, let this lightweight ralph in a ditch like the foul degenerate that he is, and keep it moving.
"Red light! Red light! RED LIGHT!"
Pro tip: Save the blood-curdling scream for a moment of actual danger.
Honestly, we'd rather barrel into an intersection at 45 mph. than see you slam your imaginary brake into the floorboards again. If we're careening off of a bridge whilst taking a selfie, then by all means speak up. But if we're decelerating towards a herd of brake lights, then there's no need to put your foot through the glove box and scream, "STOP!" Chill, bruh. We're not planning on using them any time soon, but this Ford Fusion has airbags for a reason.
"Can you put Zac Brown Band on?"
Pro tip: Rock headphones or STFU.
Poor cab drivers, man. City fees and gas prices bludgeon these guys, and the only human interaction they have involves a backseat's worth of twenty-something’s barking out radio call letters. If a driver wants to bore everyone in the vehicle with a book on tape or NPR, that's their prerogative. Controlling the steering wheel gives one dominion over everything in the vehicle, including its speakers and heat settings. Thems the rules, so take heed.
"You're going the long way. Take a left up here."
Pro tip: Enjoy the scenic route.
It's bad enough that Siri's getting lippy about missing that exit; we don't need ancillary abuse from the backseat, as well. As a passenger, there's not a whole lot you can do to help out. Like, driving is really a one-man operation, and unsolicited advice is as about as welcome as a roundhouse kick to the nose. Please go back to burying your face in Tinder profiles. Thanks.
"Can we stop at Carl's Jr.? I'm hungry."
Pro tip: Keep a protein bar on your person at all times. A macronutrient-rich snack helps rebuild damaged muscle tissue and it'll keep you from receiving a McFlurry to the face during an unnecessary visit to the drive-through.
Most road trips require a sustenance break or two, but if you're the only one in a packed Kia Sportage that could "really use a Baja Chalupa right now," then we have a problem. Our country's floor mats are already littered with petrified French fries and Dr. Pepper stains from decades of unnecessary fast food stops. Sure, everyone's worried about the debt ceiling and nuclear holocaust, but what about "that new car smell" giving way to the odor of cooking grease and diced onions? If you're not part of the solution, then you're part of the problem.
"O-M-G! Guess who got engaged?"
Pro tip: Unless your friend that does bottle service at LIV Nightclub is "now listed as single," no one cares about your news feed. Not even a little bit.
Engagement photos and humblebrags are not breaking news, so keep your social network findings between you and your smart phone, please. Hit us with a "Who would you rather," "Slug-a-Bug," or really anything besides Facebook.
"Are we almost there yet?"
Pro tip: Unless you're trying to bait the driver into flooring his car off of an overpass, you need to keep this one in your pocket.
We're not sure which allergy-ridden little jerk uttered this phrase first, but we hope he's in bumper-to-bumper traffic right now with a Honda Odyssey full of screaming runts.
"Weee caaan't stop, and weee wooon't stop."
Pro tip: Record yourself singing, put it on YouTube, and let the vile comments section humiliate you into never crooning again, ever.
Don't ruin a summer banger by barking insufferably over the music; that's Pitbull's job. Singing in the car is especially annoying because you're sharing a small, enclosed space with other people. Like, if you followed someone into a phone booth or a bathroom stall and belted out the hook of a Rihanna joint, you'd walk out with a black eye and coughing up mace. Treat the car like it a public restroom, minus the whole defecating thing.
"This car is disgusting. You should clean it up."
Pro tip: If you're looking for a clean ride, go take that bus that runs on natural gas.
If you're making this comment as one of our friends, then maybe we should reconsider your friendship. Do you not know me? Do you think I don't know that my car is dirty? You come in here all high and mighty, as I'm offering to drive you to Taco Bell for your cheesy gordita crunch fix, and you have the gall to insult my ride? Ridiculous.
"We need to find a bathroom. I have to go."
Pro tip: Don't shotgun a 24-ounce Monster Energy drink before a road trip. Instead, pop a Xanax.
We'd rather pull over at a truck stop than have passengers relieve themselves on the cloth interior of our backseat, but that doesn't make the urination proclamation any less annoying. Drivers are inherently selfish. Unless it's our bladder that's being stretched, we're not all that interested in finding an exit ramp. We're focused on making it to VIP's gentlemen's club before their 11 p.m. cover charge takes effect. So if you can just hold it and shut your mouth, that'd be great.
