25 Things Contemporary Sports Haters Say

We all know people who are sports haters. They're the folks who are so miserable with their own lives that they can't stand to watch others unite behind a common cause, like a team. So they sit at the sports bar or man cave and troll for a reaction. And sports fans—who are often peaking on civic pride and Miller Lite—are more than willing to oblige them. If the quotes in this story sound like you, you're probably annoying everyone in your living room with the 25 Things Sports Haters Say.

Written by Sean Evans (@seanseaevans)

LeBron James' speed, size, and strength combination is unlike anything the NBA has ever seen. It would be a lot of fun to see LeBron vs. Jordan in their primes, but it'll never happen. So what are you going to do? Argue about it insufferably every time you have a few beers and the Heat have a big lead?

Look, in 20 years you'll have some little dipshit cousin talking about how his dunker du jour would work LeBron and you're going to want to pull your hair out. Just enjoy the era you're in because tomorrow's youth will be hell bent on ruining it for you.

Getting older isn't graceful. You get weird, long hairs in totally bizarre places. After a slow pitch softball game, your legs are sore for a week. And, yes, your forehead grows larger by the year. LeBron is a physical specimen with a chiseled jawline and nine figures in the bank, so you're really reaching at straws by attacking his ever retreating hairline.

Also, it's impossible to come up with an original punchline for the balding James because they've already been beat to shit by the Internets. "LeBron sucks!" is a tried and true hater classic and you'd be wise to take it back to the basics.

When your most worthwhile show business accomplishment is winning Celebrity Apprentice, exercise a little humility. Past winners include John Rich, Bret Michaels, and Joan Rivers, so there's absolutely no reason to get too full of yourself. Because he was Donald Trump's best whipping boy and has a show on deep cable that no one watches, Piers Morgan thinks his opinion matters.

Lately, he's made a habit of trolling Arsenal F.C. manager, Arsene Wenger. Whether it's with his favorite hashtag #WengerOut or through hackneyed punchlines, Morgan directs a solid two-thirds of his 2,000 daily tweets to shaking up the power structure of his favorite English soccer club.

OK, so the Yankees have had the highest payroll in baseball every year since 1999 and as a result have won more championships than any other franchise during that period. That being said, their three World Series titles since '99 are only one more than the St. Louis Cardinals, Boston Red Sox, and San Francisco Giants.

As one of the most valuable frachises in sports, what are the Yankees supposed to do? Sit on their cash when nothing's stopping them from spending it? Baseball is America's pastime and, rather appropriately, big market teams have the freedom and ability to spend more than small market cannon fodder. Write your favorite small market team's billionaire owner to stop being a cheapskate or become a Yankee fan. The choice is yours. This is America, people.

Droves of haters have been singing this tune for years and, while they sounded stupid, we've been unable to accurately test their claim. Until now. The Lakers just completed the most disappointing campaign in NBA history and Kobe Bryant blew out his Achilles carrying the team. The Lake Show surely could've used his 27.3 PPG when they were getting blown out by an average of 19 points against the Spurs in the first round.

Kobe shouldn't have been questioned by the haters, but we're glad he answered them.

If you've ever been stuck in New York traffic, you understand the physical and mental perils of sitting in a car. It's not as easy as it sounds. While many of us consider three hours worth of left hand turns comparatively less exciting than dunks and home runs, we should be more impressed with drivers who make aggressive passes at 180 mph.

Does golf require the athleticism and strength of, say, the NFL? No, absolutely not. That's why pudgy senior citizens in pleated khakis regularly compete for green jackets. But if you define "sport" as a competitive physical activity, then golf and racing certainly qualify.

Time is valuable and, yes, we've wasted way too much of it watching Big Papi readjust his batting gloves between pitches, but every sport has its lulls and baseball's disproportionately stigmatized. The last 90 seconds of close basketball games are just free throws separated by timeouts, inbounds plays, and commercial breaks.

Similarly in the NFL, you have an extra point that’s followed by a commercial break, followed by a kickoff, followed by another commercial break, followed by a three-and-out, followed by another commercial break. They all suck sometimes.

First, we should cut Ryan Lochte some slack because he spends his life at the bottom of a pool suffocating his brain. Second, we shouldn't underestimate douchiness and its earning potential, especially when you're shopping a reality show.

From the cast of Jersey Shore to the Kardashian family, acting like a complete jackass has proven to be a particularly lucrative pillar of personal branding. By 2020, the Forbes Billionaire List is going to be made up entirely of drug addled child stars and ironically bad white rappers. Ryan Lochte's trolling us all and by this time next year he'll have a collection of Chopard blue diamonds in that U.S.A.-themed grill. Jeah.

Is Roger Goodell the world's greatest commissioner? No. But he's been proactive in limiting concussions, keeping the league competitive, and he was instrumental in ending the 2011 work stoppage before the season began (word to the NHL's Gary Bettman and David Stern).

If there's one thing that unites fans throughout the country, it's a collective disdain for the league's commissioner and whatever FOX NFL Sunday commentator just dogged their team. But what's the worst thing Goodell's done? Replacement refs? The guys running oil companies and financial institutions are up to way shadier business, so pump the brakes, hater.

If boxing is dead, then Floyd Mayweather Jr. must be pulling off the most elaborate ponzi scheme of all time. According to Forbes, that guy made twice as much money as Peyton Manning and Cristiano Ronaldo in 2011. And together, Money May and Manny Pacquiao made more than Tom Brady, Eli Manning, Dwight Howard, Derek Jeter, Carmelo Anthony, and Adrian Peterson combined.

Remove boxing's kings from the equation and you still have Pay-Per-View numbers that are higher than the UFC's events. September 2012's match between Julio Cesar Chavez Jr. vs. Sergio Martinez drew 475,000 buys, considerably higher than the average UFC fight. Plus, there's guys like Canelo Alvarez and Peter Quillin on the come up.

It's amazing how people who call in sick to work with a headache have no problem continually questioning the toughness of professional athletes. Hater, what's in it for the Bulls, or adidas, or Derrick Rose to sit out? Nothing. And what do you think he's going to do? Hobble on to the hardwood ice cold and put a dagger in Miami's back? FOH.

If you're a weekend warrior who can't finish a YMCA men's league game after turning an ankle, you have no business telling others to risk serious injury.