Image via Complex Original
Intro
If you're thinking about buying a Segway, go away right now and never come back. If you already own a Segway, please jump off a cliff immediately. But if, like everyone else, you're simply curious about these futuristic two-wheeled scooters, you are forgiven. But not for long. Whether it's a four-hour "Segway Tour" of Santa Monica or a "Segway Hike" in the Black Hills of South Dakota (these are real things), you should never, ever, ever ride a Segway. Here's why.
They're used as punchlines
10. They're Used As Punchlines
Complex Says: Do you really want to look like a car insurance spokesperson? Or Paul Blart, Mall Cop?
They're the most embarrassing vehicles in the world
9. They're The Most Embarrassing Vehicles In The World
Complex Says: Even in a photo that includes a white panel van and some sort of energy-saving European shitbox, the Segway is still the most embarrassing vehicle in the shot.
Tourists like them
8. Tourists Like Them
Complex Says: They actually make stupid tourists look more like stupid tourists.
Segway gave the world nothing good
7. Segway Gave The World Nothing Good
Complex Says: Before the Segway was announced in 2005, a lot of smart people thought inventor Dean Kamen planned to announce a groundbreaking thingamajib that would change the world. Five years later, there's this guy and his Segway-inspired "motorcycle."
Paul Blart wasn't fiction
6. Paul Blart Wasn't Fiction
Complex Says: They give cops another excuse to get even fatter and lazier on the job.
The road is already crowded
5. The Road Is Already Crowded
Complex Says: Bicycles and cars should own the road, not dinks on Segways wearing dayglo life vests.
A Segway can never, ever, ever look bad-ass
4. A Segway Can Never, Ever, Ever Look Bad-Ass
Complex Says: For example, this is what "custom rims" look like on a Segway.
They make mean men look like little girls
3. They Make Mean Men Look Like Little Girls
Complex Says: The Chinese Army is about 500 billion-strong and will probably invade America next year. Put them on Segways, and they don't look so scary.
They kill their own
2. They Kill Their Own
Complex Says: In September 2010, Jimi Heselden was found at the bottom of a cliff near his home in West Yorkshire, England. Apparently, he'd lost control of his rugged "X2 Adventure" Segway. Heselden bought the Segway company less than one year earlier. (Art by The Daily Mail)
God gave us legs for a reason
1. God Gave Us Legs For A Reason
Complex Says: So you've blown a few thousand bucks on a Hawaii vacation and you've reached Oahu, whose beaches would make baby Jesus weep with joy. How do you spend the day—strolling along the beach, checking out hot chicks in bikinis, and sipping Mai Tais? Or leaning into curves and waiting for locals to yell, "Get out of the way, asshole"? Is walking really so difficult?
