10 Driving Lessons We Learned From Mario Kart

Red shell. Green shell. Informative as Hell.

October 10, 2013

Image via Complex Original

Whether you grew up on Super Nintendo or Wii, odds are that some of your earliest driving memories involve turtle shells and mushrooms. No, we aren’t referring to your high school fondness for narcotic-fueled cruising, we are talking about Mario Kart.

Our nation has long been in a serious discussion about how Grand Theft Auto and other violent games affect those who play them. We aren’t prepared to comment on the impact of virtual cop killing and hooker beating on our nation’s youth; we’ll leave that to senators, child psychologists, and overprotective parents. We’re here to talk about a more innocent video game world. We’re here to talk about a game in which pent-up aggression is released through the toss of a banana peel or a turtle shell and the only high you get from mushrooms is a small burst of speed.

Although Mario Kart is a relatively innocent game steeped in fantasy, there are many real world lessons to be taken from those races with Yoshi, Bowser, and the Princess. Here are 10 Driving Lessons We Learned from Mario Kart.

Find a rabbit.

The fastest driver always has the biggest target on his or her back. In the real world, this applies to speeding tickets and douchebags in tricked-out Civics who want to race. In Mario Kart, the stakes are even higher. The lead cars always have to keep an eye out for turtle shells flying in their direction.

Seasoned players know that sometimes you are better off sitting in the middle of the pack until the last leg of the race when it's finally time to make your move. Really, this is a lesson that can apply to almost any walk of life. Everybody is hungry to take down the king, so once you finally take the lead, you have to keep your wits about you.

It's not about the ride, it's about the driver.

On our real world roads, not all rides are created equal. You might be puttering along in your Windstar as Lambos and Vettes zip past you, but you might end up passing them later, as you watch them crawl out of a ditch. Great drivers know that while having a superior car is clutch, it means nothing without a great driver.

In the world of Mario Kart, all of the contestants are on a level playing field. Each of them is outfitted with a 1992 model golf cart and the only differences between the contestants are about the player, not the ride. If you lose a race, you have nothing to blame but your poor button-mashing abilities, and perhaps the weight disadvantage provided by big boys like Donkey Kong and Bowser.

No terrain is totally safe.

Don't let your surroundings fool you. Danger might be lurking just around the corner regardless of how scenic your ride may be. It doesn't matter whether you're driving on idyllic beaches, through pristine forests, or even traversing a track made entirely of chocolate, trouble could be just around the corner. Even if you find yourself on a road made of rainbows rather than lava or haunted house planks, you're always one wrong turn away from plunging off the track and into oblivion.

Safety features are a very real necessity.

It always pays to spring for a vehicle with a higher safety rating. Sure, in Mario Kart, the protection came courtesy of three large balloons, which probably wouldn't do you much good on real world highways. But regardless of whether your car is protected by state of the art airbags or inflatable balloons, the principle is the same: better safe than sorry. There will be things far worse than runaway turtle shells flung at you in life, and it is always a good idea to give yourself as much protection as possible.

Littering can work to your advantage.

Yeah, yeah, we know that littering is totally disrespectful to our environment. Mario Kart taught us what we always knew deep down: Littering can also be awesome. Throwing a banana peel on the side of the road isn't exciting. Dropping one in order to spin out an enemy go-kart, however, is incredible.

How do you apply this to the real world? A half-finished cold coffee or a warmed over milkshake might not make for an appealing drink, but that doesn't mean it's worthless. When you passed your high school bully's car in a mostly empty Wal-Mart parking lot, there were few more actions more pleasurable than dumping your left over drink on his car and forcing him to take an unplanned trip to the car wash. Mario Kart introduced you to the concept of littering as justice. Don't litter kids, but if you do, make it count.

Bigger isn't always better.

The first time you saw a douchebag rolling a Hummer, this childhood lesson came back to you in full force. Most Mario Kart players prefer the nimble, agile racers like Koopa Troopa and Toad to the slow, clumsy piloting of Bowser and Donkey Kong. In the real world, a small sporty car can go faster and attract more women than a gas guzzling SUV.

Although many of your more fratty peers are learning this lesson the hard way, as women are fleeing from the path of their bright yellow Hummer in droves, you've known the truth since you first picked up a video game controller. We're not saying that purchasing a Mini-Cooper or a Smart Car is going to get you laid, we're just saying that owning an Escalade doesn't prove anything other than that you can afford an Escalade (though, Escalades are much less douchey than Hummers)

Women are just as good at driving as men.

Before there was Danica Patrick, there was Princess Peach. Not only could she handle just as well as her sometime lovers, Mario and Luigi, but old girl was in the same class as a dinosaur. Though we all have a sexist uncle who would certainly beg to differ, Mario Kart taught us that a girl can keep up with and often outdo the boys. Or course, the woman in question was generally a helpless victim to be won as a prize in all of the other Mario games, but we're not talking about all of the other Mario games, now are we?

Reckless driving never pays.

You've always got to pay the piper. In the real world, if you get into an accident, you have to deal with tow truck drivers and insurance claims. If you played Mario Kart, you learned about the cost of reckless driving courtesy of a bespectacled creature riding a cloud, holding a fishing pole.

While Lakitu's cloud was usually smiling, you could rarely muster a smirk when he paid you a visit. Sure, he would get you back on track, but it would cost you. In life, as in Mario Kart, there are some accidents that insurance simply won't cover, and some times it costs you more than three gold coins.

You never know what weapons your fellow drivers are packing.

This is perhaps the most valuable lesson you can learn from Mario Kart, as it could mean the difference between life and death. Road rage is a well-documented problem in America. We've all heard stories of guns pulled out on the side of the highway and baseball bats smashing through windshields on back roads.

If a fellow driver is anger prone, a middle finger or honk of your horn could end in you taking hot lead. Those of us who grew up with Mario Kart learned this hard life lesson early on. If you cut off Luigi or Toad on the Donut Plain, you just might take a red turtle shell to the face.

You're never truly invincible.

One minute you feel like you're on top of the world, and the next you're at the bottom of the heap. This is how it works in the real world and how it works in Mario Kart. It doesn't matter if you just had a great cup of coffee, just bought your dream car, or just got laid, you are never truly untouchable. No matter how good you feel, traffic jams and accidents can come your way at any moment.

In Mario Kart, you might be glowing with the power of a star and your opponents may have been shrunken by a lightning bolt, but that doesn't mean you should get cocky. Even if you have all of the game's weapons at your disposal, you can still fall right off the edge and into last place.