A Dozen Changes Needed to Make Madden More Like the Real NFL

Image via Complex Original

Odds of being added: Zero percent.

Seeing a career-ending injury in Madden is slightly more likely than finding Bigfoot in San Andreas, but it does happen. If you've had the fortune of seeing one of these virtual unicorns then you've also had to replace a player on your roster well before you intended, a task real-life GM Trent Balke is currently facing due to both Patrick Willis' toe and (more relevantly) Chris Borland's foresight.

Madden took a baby-step forward when their in-game doctors sat concussed players, which was then acknowledged by the in-game booth. But in the past the series capitulated to the NFL on the issue, calling concussions by the more P.C./B.S. term of "head injury." The developers were also provided with "concussion data" by the NFL, you know, the league that agreed to a nearly billion dollar settlement for withholding similar information from former players suffering from dementia, depression or Alzheimer's. Who wouldn't trust those guys on that subject?

Odds of being added: Zero percent.

If there's one trend that stained the 2014 season, it was the spate of off-field "incidents." This wasn't a statistical aberration, people just decided to pay attention. In the future, names like Ray Rice, Adrian Peterson and Greg Hardy will simply be replaced by (your three best guesses here). It's time for art to imitate life, give us all the much sought after PR simulation gamers have been demanding for decades. When you have a proverbial pain in the ass, you have a list of viable options ranging from:

A) Use the team "fixer" to cover it up.

B) Make an example of him by cutting him.

C) Trade him before it hits the papers.

D) Get him into rehab.

E) Let Virtual Goodell deal with it.

If your plan backfires be prepared to tender a make-believe resignation. That, or deal with unending protests. Which leads us to...

Odds of being added: Zero percent.

From everything to signing a wife beater, drafting a bust, or fucking up a tweet, the make-believe public should be as demanding (and devoid of self-awareness) as the real one. Also, outrage should be standard for any player who chooses to ball with the Redskins (Who wouldn't want to be Daniel Snyder, after all?), with later seasons reflecting an inevitable name change.

Odds of being added: Zero percent.

Have you ever played Madden online and just gotten your ass worked up and down the field? Can't move the ball on offense, can't stop the ball and defense, and wondered what type of unstoppable force you've trifled with before his prepubescent voice comes over the mic to tell you he needs to study for his goddamn algebra quiz? It's a humbling experience that should make you question whether you're cut out for the competitive online ranks, just like an undrafted free agent who can't hack it in training camp (...maybe. We've never been to training camp).

If ever there was a way to handicap the game, it should be by allowing you to bulk up your team with enough horse testosterone to enter them in the Kentucky Derby. If you get caught, you get banned from the servers for a few months, and get branded with a permanent asterisk leveled unto cheating dicks. Actually, lots of people cheat online. You just did what you had to do to stay competitive.

Odds of being added: Zero percent.

Back in Madden 08, EA added the "weapons feature," which basically meant Randy Moss would leap over your 5'8" DB, or Champ Bailey would occasionally jump a route and make a one-handed snag. It was a hit-or-miss inclusion, but it was a worthy effort to differentiate the stars from the scrubs. In past versions, everyone on the field blended. In current versions, everyone off the field still does. How do you change that? The solution is obvious. If you sign Richie Incognito it should have the potential to be as chaotic as dropping a mongoose in a snake pit. Unless of course Rex Ryan's his coach, then maybe it'll work out.

Odds of being added: Zero percent.

After every dirty (or seemingly dirty) NFL hit goes down, you not only have to watch the ref march off 15 yards, but you have to wait for the hammer to drop during the week with respect to suspensions. Anybody who's been so distracted by ESPN's Bottom Line that they couldn't stop staring at it realizes how much this happens during an NFL season.

Any supposed simulation of the NFL can't be without it. There should be lengthier suspensions for serial repeaters, and even trips to Goodell's office for offenders who just don't get it. Whether you'd piss on him to put out a fire is up to you.

Odds of being added: Zero percent.

The Pro Bowl: The most agonizing vacation anybody's ever been forced to endure; it's the game nobody wants to watch and even fewer want to play. The best way to simulate the tedious boredom of the NFL's penultimate weekend is to force every gamer to solider through it. No simulating. No refusing to pick a side before letting the CPU play. Sit your ass down and play the game. At least you don't have to worry about ripping your ACL on the couch.

Odds of being added: Zero percent.

No true reproduction of the NFL would be complete without bogus-ass calls by the virtual zebras. To be fair, Madden actually implemented this to some degree by allowing users a set of coach's challenges. But still, we yearn to see the day of crappy judgments that can't be overturned by a mere red flag. They can come courtesy of replacements, or Jeff Triplette. Doesn't matter.

If you play Madden enough, odds are you've been screwed by a glitch, but if you've watched football odds are you've bitched about sham whistles since the first time your daddy sat you on his lap to watch a game. Screaming "fucking bullshit!" at your TV is a national pastime, seems only right that it should continue whether you're playing video games or not.

Odds of being added: Zero percent.

Every year a handful of players risk dropping down draft boards due to "character issues" ranging from bad work habits to rape allegations. (There's a, uh, big range there). Remember when Dez Bryant was asked if his mom was a prostitute? You probably heard that news and thought either: That’s fucked up or, that would be great for a video game. It can be both. If you're going to pick the face of your franchise, you should damn well dig for some dirt before making the final call. Not asking the right questions can lead to disaster (see: above).

Odds of being added: Zero percent.

You can throw brushback pitches all day in baseball games. You can use an enforcer to bust teeth in hockey games. And yet, in Madden (in 2015, no less) we still lack the ability to intentionally stomp ankles, gouge eyes, and twist nuts under piles. Sure, these would probably be the straws that finally lead to an 'M' rating, but what's the loss of a couple million in sales for the sake of some unnecessarily violent authenticity?

Odds of being added: Zero percent.

Watch an NFL game and note how frequently two guys trade shoves. Sometimes it's rare, and sometimes it's every play. In the instance of the latter, you're likely to hear the announcer eventually state "things are getting chippy down there," and by the fourth quarter Ed Houchuli is inserting his 64-year-old body between a couple of 350 lb. lineman.

The point being, cheap shots should be a prelude to some all-out brawls. The NFL is constantly trying to pass themselves off as wholesome, but if ever there was a medium to take a chance, it's video games. A couple fights on the simulated field are unlikely to out-controversy Mortal Kombat. Unless you have Andre Johnson rip out Cortland Finnegan's stomach so everyone can see the head he just stuffed into his torso.

Odds of being added: Zero percent.

If there's one thing that's guaranteed in pro football, it's gut-churning injuries. The chance to see a grown man who isn't you get seriously hurt is one of those morbid fascinations, not unlike NASCAR wrecks except: A) It's a man's ankle instead of his fender, and B) You totally regret it after watching the replay (examples here, and above). If you think the idea to gloss over that in Madden was intentional, you sound like a conspiracy theorist, but also you're right.

After the Hit-Stick became a popular addition to the series, NFL henchmen took notice and began examining animations. According to a producer for the series who chose anonymity over losing his job, "If a player's head snapped back too sharply, we had to change the animation to make it more … proper." He then followed that up with a quote that led me to my zero percent odds above, saying "We couldn't have animations that looked overly violent or caused injury to [a] player." The fact that they're able to make an intelligible product with restrictions like that is nothing short of a miracle.