Why You Should Retire From Sneakers

What was that? You're just getting started? You're still having fun? You still haven't scored a pair of whatever last month's hot sneaker was and next month this one pair you've always been looking for is finally coming back and... Look, just stop. We get it. We've seen all of this before. And hey, look, we're not gonna force you to do anything you don't want to. Keep chasing the dragon. But if you're just looking for a reason to stop, here's Why You Should Retire From Sneakers.

Look, it's not like sneakers take up a lot of space in the grand scheme of things. Heck, people collect cars. Thing is, those people are generally guys like Jerry Seinfeld and Jay Leno who could collect goddamn planets if they wanted to. When they run out of garage space, they just buy another building or block or small town or whatever. And they have people who take care of them (the cars, that is). Maybe you should get into something more manageable, like watches. Or stamps.

When you got your first job, you had to make a choice. Sneakers or rent? Sneakers or a car? Yeah, like either of those were a choice. So now you have an amazing collection, but you ride the bus to work and your mom is looking at you funny when you come down to breakfast. Maybe it's time to look at those choices again.

We love them too, but really, how many do you need?

Remember that pair of shoe you swore you'd get no matter what? How you searched for a pair for years on eBay and Flight Club and every single sneaker forum? Remember when you got them? How'd you feel? Bet you were full of a sense of accomplishment and pride - for about 24 hours. You can keep chasing that ever-elusive high, or you can quit cold turkey. Your choice.

A big part of the fun when it comes to signature shoes is buying the same pair your favorite player is wearing on-court. It lets you have a little piece of what they have - and even if it's all illusory (you're not gonna really be like Mike, stop it), it's a comfortable illusion. But what happens when your guy retires? You don't need to be wearing the same sneakers Shaq and Chuck wear on Inside the NBA. Face it, your heroes moved on to better things. Shouldn't you?

It happens to all of us - we become horribly, tragically unstylish when we get older. You go from laughing at the kids to the kids laughing at you. It's the Circle of Life that the Lion King forgot to tell you about. Just do yourself a favor and give up now. Embrace the inevitable.

OK, fine, you still play basketball in your basketball sneakers. Congratulations. Here's the thing, though. NBA All-Stars need their shoes to get better every year just to keep up with the competition. You? May as well wear the same sneakers you had in high school, since that's probably the last time your game evolved anyway.

Say no to drugs! OK, maybe it's not as bad as drugs or alcohol but please, use some moderation. Perhaps, invest in tacos instead.

Here's the thing about sneakers - they're fragile. Not right away, but give it a couple of years and those pristine white midsoles will be sticky, yellowing dust. Then what? Sure, you could keep them just to say you have them, but it's a losing battle. Time always wins. Get out while you can.

OK, so you finally have that carefully curated 500-pair collection and... now what? You can either convince your dad to give up the garage, convince your significant other that you need another room, or start paying rent on a storage unit that you will keep either forever or until Barry Weiss buys it. Enjoy paying for your collection twice.

All those kicks are going to end up a burden for your kid that doesn't wear the same size as you or in the trash. What's it gonna be?

Even MJ has to deal with falling short of something.