The 10 Sneakerhead Commandments

Modern Interpretation: So you know how it works. There's those sneakers you always wanted — the Grails, if you were — then the ones you wouldn't buy if they were 150 percent off, and others that you're just totally indifferent about. But there's a fourth category as well. You're scrolling through the blogs or your Twitter feed, you see a pair of sneakers, and all of a sudden you need them more than anything in the world. Just slow down for a minute, will you? If you didn't know about them at all yesterday, you don't need to have them by tomorrow.

Modern Interpretation: Short version? Don't fuck things up for everyone else. If you're first on line, don't gloat. If you wake up late and get there too late to grab a bracelet or a ticket or whatever else is being used to keep track of who gets to buy and who doesn't, don't make a scene. Respect the store, respect your fellow buyers, and most of all, respect yourself. There will always be a next time.

Modern Interpretation: There's always that one dude who has whatever the hot sneaker of the moment is, no matter how hard they are to get. Don't mess up his day (and yours) by immediately hitting him up for his source. Number one, he's probably been asked a zillion times already. Number two, the way you KEEP a good connect is by not telling everyone about it. Number three, if you play it right and don't get all crazy stalkerish, maybe he'll tell you eventually on his own. As with the previous commandments, patience is a virtue.

Modern Interpretation: Re-selling is a tricky — and somewhat morally ambiguous — subject. Picking up a few extra pairs of a limited release to finance your own purchase, OK. In some cases, you may even be providing a valuable service to those who either missed out on release day or live somewhere where they had no access to a regional drop. In that case, your surcharge is well earned. But buying entire size runs of a mass-produced retro and turning your local Foot Locker into your personal Jordan wholesaler? Seek forgiveness, for you have sinned.

Modern Interpretation: Everyone makes mistakes sometimes. And maybe you got that one pair of Jordans at a once-in-a-lifetime price and didn't look at them too carefully before you decided to floss. Only the next day you took a closer look and discovered some, well, differences. Maybe the Jumpman put on weight, or the carbon plate looked more like cardboard. Either way, you realized that they were fake. You got got. Well, take the L, young man. And maybe in the future avoid those sites that sell Air Jordan XIIIs with Air Max 360 soles for $64.99. It might just be a scam.

Modern Interpretation: Hey. You. Yeah, you. Put the sneakers down for a minute, log off NikeTalk and look around. See those other shapes that look sort of like you? Those are other people. You should consider talking to them sometime, and not just to ask for the car keys and a lawn chair so you can go sleep in front of Foot Action again. Also, if it's reached the point where you're stacking your boxes to look like furniture because you don't actually have any, it's time to re-prioritize before you get disowned/divorced/set on fire.

Modern Interpretation: Sneakers are a man's pride and identity, worn proudly and in touch with the ground. Stepping on them — or running them over while walking your bike — is a direct repudiation of all he stands for. In short, do unto other people's sneakers what you would have them do to yours.

Modern Interpretation: You were new once too, you know. And when you couldn't shut up about the "South Beach" LeBron 8s, there was an older guy who grew up copping Air Jordans on clearance who rolled his eyes at the thought of spending $500 on a gaudy pair of basketball sneakers that weren't even a gameday colorway. But you know what? He didn't judge. Not that you know of, anyway. So embrace the next generation, no matter how odd their tastes may seem to you. And pass on what you've learned.