Image via Complex Original
Certain places are inappropriate and clearly not conducive to meeting a woman: at a funeral, in line at the free clinic, in a courtroom, at a family reunion.
However, there are many other locations that, though just as bad, seem like great places for meeting wifey. It's a trap! Think before unfolding game at any of the 10 worst places to pick up a woman. Unless, of course, you're looking for a good self-deprecating story.
By Shanté Cosme (@ShanteCosme)
Send your anonymous sex and dating questions to [email protected], and we'll answer them in our new advice column, 99 Problems.
At the Pharmacy
She just stocked her cart with supplies that could read like an abridged, but slightly embarrassing autobiography: tampons, chocolate, Metamucil, dandruff shampoo, and some KY warming lubricant. You come creeping up, eyeing her cart for an easy conversation starter. You know, something to bond over. You come up with: “I get dandruff sometimes, too.” She gives you a startled look, abandons her cart, and sprints out of the Duane Reade. Good job, weirdo. Maybe next time you’ll keep some things sacred.
The Laundromat
She’s wearing a bizarre combo of nail polish-stained sweatpants and a T-shirt she’s had since middle school. The bag of laundry she drags is larger than her, and while shoving dirty clothes into the tiny machine, something lacy and complicated hits the floor. You exchange a look. Could this be a connection?
Remember: No one wants to be here. Everything smells like detergent and sweat. The people hanging out, looking carefree aren’t wearing shoes—because they don’t own any. Getting the idea yet? There’s no passion here. Recognize that, whether or not she takes the time to verbally scold you for staring too long at her undies.
On a Plane
As a general rule of thumb, scenarios where a woman is trapped with you for hours at length is a bad place to make your move. She’ll muster up a few one-word answers to your prying questions about where she’s going. She may even feign interest, and nod knowingly when you explain that you’ve chosen What to Expect When You’re Expecting as your in-flight reading because you think it’s important to relate to women’s unique struggles.
But recognize: It isn't because she finds you attractive, or because you’re a skilled conversationalist, it’s because she literally has NO WAY TO ESCAPE. Let her bond with her neck pillow. If you can't pass her up, chat with her while you're both waiting for luggage. You know, somewhere with visible exits she can use if she chooses.
Gym
There’s a girl in your yoga class who wears those Lululemon pants with the fold-over waist like the Almighty cast them himself for her nimble frame. As she performs downward dog, you can’t concentrate on your breathing, even though that’s all you’re supposed to be doing. After a month of catching glimpses of her in class, you notice her on the elliptical. But something’s changed. She’s glistening with beauty. No, fucktard, she’s sweating and spent. She just ran for 45 minutes and she stinks and doesn’t want to talk to you. She’s working. Instead of stammering something about how impressed you are with her poise, keep your ideas to yourself.
The only exception to this rule is the woman in full makeup, including mascara, slow-strutting on the treadmill like it’s her own tiny runway. She definitely wants you to speak with someone.
At Work
If you’re crushing on the woman two cubicles down who smiles at you each morning (she doesn’t get paid to do that, you think) check yourself. Even if things work for a while, chances are they’ll turn sour, and when the holiday party rolls around, she’ll be drunk and all those little things you don’t want your co-workers to know about your problems with “returning the favor” will be the talk of the office.
At a Women's Apparel Store
If a woman catches you inside an Anthropologie or Madewell, she’ll assume you’re there shopping for a family member, possibly a girlfriend. In a glance: you scrunch your face as you deliberate between a skirt with a knife pleat and a dress with a box pleat. What are these things? What do these words mean? You use your lack of sartorial know-how to segue into a conversation with the well-dressed shopper two racks away. To convince her you’re not cheating, you’ll have to spin the long yarn about shopping for your mom or sister, and unless you make a stunning case for your familial compassion, this battle is already lost.
And if you’re in a lingerie store, asking someone who doesn’t work there to explain the difference between a thong and a g-string, expect to be escorted out by security.
Waiting in line for the Unisex Bathroom
Why does this keep happening? You may think breaking the ice around the displeasure of standing in a 15-person-deep line for the lavatory is the start of the greatest romance of your life. But you’re wrong. She’s doing kegels so she doesn’t pee her dress, and you’re breaking her concentration. Even if she has bladder control on lock, this is a strange move. You’re all going to use the bathroom shortly, right?
Waiting Inside the Little ATM Room
Are you inspecting her cleavage, or trying to scam on her PIN number? Is that a gun in your pocket, a raging boner, or your iPhone? All options point to a terrified woman giving a swift kick to your gonads before alerting the proper authorities. This is just daft, man.
On the Street
How many friends of yours have met their significant other after shouting, “Ay girl, what that mouth do?” at her as she walked past on the street. Exactly. The way to a woman’s heart is not through harassment. Plus, pause for a minute and ask yourself a serious question: What do you expect to happen here? Is the quick compliment you launch as she rushes by on her way to work going to trigger a meaningful exchange? Would you even want to date a woman who forked over her information to a guy who just uttered a few kind words to her as she waited for the walk sign?
On the Subway
Picking up a woman on the subway is not impossible, but it is really fucking difficult. It’s not you, it’s just the general discomfort of the situation. Strangers are mere centimeters away (or less, during peak hours); there’s accidental skin-on-skin contact. Chances are, she’s either on her way to work, or on her way home: rushing or exhausted—nothing conducive to having good conversation. You may think you’re all Michael Fassbender’s character in Shame, ice-grilling her tight-clad legs, but you’re not suave and you don’t look like Fassbender. She has a sneaking suspicion you’re actually a serial killer/rapist. Maybe both. That’s real life, bros.
