Image via Complex Original
Sex can be confusing. There are a number of puzzle pieces to contend with, and you're left to cobble them all together in attempt to make something great in the dark. Sometimes it really works, and other times, it's just an awkward, sweaty smashing of bodies.
If you're experiencing the latter, Urban Dictionarymight be to blame. A perusal through the online resource reveals some people are confused about how sex works. What goes where, and when, and WHAT IS THAT APPENDAGE CALLED? If you consult Urban DIctionary, you may never know. Leave your carnal knowledge at the door: this is Sex, According to Urban DIctionary.
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"Horny Phrases"
Orgasmic=capable of orgasm. You=incapable of using the English language.
A Present?
Yes...but no.
Close But No Cigar
Maybe you shouldn't be taking sexual geography lessons from "AIDS Man." Just saying...
Do Not Try At Home
That weird tingly stuff your mom used to rub on you chest as a kid? Yeah...it's not for your penis.
I Got Five On It
That's four too many.
On the Juice
It's a reproductive organ, not a citrus fruit.
Hibernation
This is some weird Freudian shit about your messed up childhood we don't understand, and don't want to.
This One Time, At Band Camp
Is that what your band leader said you were doing?
Stop: Hammer Time
No one is doing this. (Please, tell us no one is doing this).
Man or Myth?
DA FUQ?
Free with Purchase
If anyone ever did this to us, we'd slap the shit out of them.
Knight Me
Pretty sure no one has ever uttered this in real life. That being said, we may just start the trend.
So Lost
This sounds like a rich family on Gossip Girl. Also, ew.
Hot Pocket
The UD jury seems out on this one, so we'll make the call. Don't call her vagina a pocket. There are far less offensive and far sexier euphemisms.
Pronounced like quiche?
The fuck kind of onomatopoeia is this?
"Having So Much Pleasure"
"Shoveing" your penis into something does not pleasure make. Take your sad attempt at erotic lit elsewhere, homey.
A Kinky Portmanteau
Why the need to fuse the two?
Gut Check
If you refer to sex this way, your dick will never see the light of day. Trust.
So Sweet
Some clueless kid is going to call his Rice Crispy Treat by the wrong name, and end up in the principal's office.
Like an Umbrella
Comparing a butthole to an umbrella is an unforgivable metaphor. Also, WTF is a vaginal organ?
TMI
This isn't your therapist's couch, bruh.
So Complex
Guy, you're making this way too complicated.
Oral Pregnancy
Just no.
Get Dirty While Getting Clean
Who knew this was a thing? Also, if you'd like to advertise your devotion to the hobby on your A.M. cup of joe, mugs are available. Just so you know.
