Image via Complex Original
Blockbuster, once a suburban mainstay, has announced plans to close its remaning 300 stores (whittled down from a once mighty 4000). With Redbox infiltrating local pharmacies and offering DVD rentals for the price of a mediocre cup of coffee, and Netflix giving us the ability to stream films without putting on pants, modern movie lovers have shunned the once beloved ritual of browsing the sprawling rental store. There will be no more DVDs encased in blue plastic and giant tubs of popcorn, or getting in the car at 11:52p.m. to shove an almost-late video in the store's return slot.
Despite its inconveniences, Blockbuster provided something Netflix will never muster—a memorable experience. It was a local movie store (albeit a chain) where the clerk knew your name and could sometimes waive your late fees and even reccomend a movie you might like. Blockbuster is an artifact, no doubt, but it's also a reminder of a simpler time. And, it our lack of appreciation for those tiny courtesies that have led to the chain's disbandment. It's our fault, because we've deemed human interaction unneccesary.
Because we can't save the quaint late fees and rental deals that come with a pack of Sour Patch Kids and Raisinets, we will offer a sacrafice to the strip mall gods. Please, take these lame stores instead and leave our local Blockbuster. We'll probably never go in, but we'd at least like to drive by and feel nostalgic. Give us that.
Bubba Gump's Shrimp Co.
A restaurant inspired by a scene in Forest Gump. Who asked for this? This is where appetites go to die.
Yankee Candle
Even your Grandma doesn't understand why this store is still open.
Kohl's
Kathy Ireland sells mattresses here. It makes you sad, doesn't it?
Supercuts
A $12 haircut is going to end in tears and regrets. There is no other way.
Hallmark
A whole store for cards and weird porcelain knick knacks? At every Duane Reade and CVS you can pick up toothpaste and your niece's communion card at the same damn time. Why would you go elsewhere?
Hard Rock Café
What type of person is lured into an establishment by the promise of seeing Bon Jovi's Fender Strat? How much shame do they feel upon entering? So many unanswered questions.
Claire's
Getting your ear pierced here is the fastest way to lose a 'lobe to infection. Stop the madness.
Build-A-Bear
At the risk of sounding dead inside, stuffing bears doesn't seem like a sustainable business model. It just doesn't.
Kay Jewelers
If you're buying her engagement ring from the middle of the mall, you've already lost.
Ray's Original Pizza
There is no Ray anymore. There's nothing original about this. You might as well go to Sbarro.
All of the struggle fro-yos that aren't Pinkberry.
Lite Choice. 16 Handles. YogurtLand. ChillBerrys. Rita's. Forty Carrots. Red Mango Sweet Frog. We see you, imposters.
Talbots
If you're wearing Talbots trousers, you've given up at life.
1-800-Flowers.com (the Store)
You're a flower delivery website. With a phone number in its name. And a brick-and-mortar store. Where do we start?
Abercrombie & Fitch
You can smell Abercrombie's cologne-drenched, overpriced T-shirts from blocks away. The scent of conformity is unmistakable.
Long John Silvers
At least Red Lobster has cheddar bay biscuits to offset their mediocre seafood. What 'chu working with, Long John Silvers?
Edible Arrangements
Because nothing says "Happy birthday" like a browning banana.
Papyrus
$9 for a blank card with plastic gemstones on it? FOH.
Hot Topic
If you want to participate in a counter-culture, shopping in a store that's in every mall in America isn't the place to do it.
Spencer's
Where else could you buy Cheech and Chong pint glasses and a whoopie cushion? And, a better question: why would you?
Swarovski
These are essentially faux crystals. Bringing her home some of these for Christmas isn't going to end well.
