How to Hook Up With a Girl From Your Hometown Bar

Thanksgiving is the sacred day for overindulging in apple pie and candied yams with family and friends. It's also the biggest holiday for interacting with your old peers from high school during the requisite trip to the bar the night before.

Who's gonna be at the bar? Cuties you were too much of a coward to kick it to during high school. You have a three-day window to make those early fantasies a reality. Get to your local watering hole and make the right moves with our guide to hooking up with a girl from your hometown bar.

Written by Shanté Cosme (@ShanteCosme)

RELATED: The 10 Types of People You See at Your Hometown Bar on the Night Before Thanksgiving

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Have other questions dating, humping, and relationships? Email your stickiest (ayo!) debacles to [email protected], and get your answer in our next edition of our advice column, 99 Problems.

If you're trying to create a mood conducive to flirtation, leave out the sob stories about how you got your ass kicked by a senior for flirting with his girl (but you got suspended! WTF?!) and focus on the good times.

Sneaking tall boys into homecoming games and downing them underneath the bleachers, consuming questionable juice concoctions at parties and dry humping in the woods, the way Mr. Stock used to drool out the side of his mouth as he talked about America—wasn't high school weird? Reminiscing about the positives will keep you from the reality of your boring adult life, where you wake up at the same time each morning, eat practically, and make reasonable decisions that won't negatively impact your job.

Remind each other of a time when—in hindsight—there was less drudgery. WE'RE NOT DEAD YET, HURRAH! Now go have sex.

Here's a not-so-secret secret worth committing to memory: Women can sniff out a fronting male from miles away. You might be temped to fabricate a tale of unrequited love, or fess up to a "crazy crush" you had on her in the 10th grade just to seal the deal, but she'll see through your fibs. It's sleazy to get laid on a lie.

Instead, focus on delivering a specific compliment based on something you observed (and actually admired) about her in high school. Was she a gifted student? Did she kill it as Sandy when the school put on Grease? Was her style ahead of its time? Was she the fiercest field hockey player on the team? Give her a genuine compliment, and she'll be more receptive to the other things you have to say. The key word here is genuine.

We're not going to offer an explicit YOLO, as that acronym is as played out as Kwame's polka dots. Seriously though, if there's ever a time to make a no-regrets move, it's when you're home for the holidays. So, implied YOLO.

You were a coward in high school. There were many opportunities to clumsily woo girls that you squandered. But you don't need that kind of shame and regret in your life now. You're an adult. You think you're a competent lover. If you say, "Hey, let's get out of here" with complete confidence, it might work out. And if it doesn't, you'll never see this person again. No risk.

We were all lame in high school. Everyone's hair sucked. Few had game. All the clothes came from Structure.

The best way to capitalize on how uncool you were? Laugh about it. Adolescence is ripe for jokes. If you get too glory days on her, she won't listen to you—because you don't look or sound like Bruce Springsteen.

Add a little levity to the most awkward years of your lives, and you'll have an entertained woman on your hands. The road to hot sex is paved with belly laughs.

It can be tempting to verbally floss to impress the ladies at the town bar, especially when you've relocated from the town with the varnish factory to the big city. Oh, you've got a job as an assistant—with benefits? We all need to hear about your 401(k), and right this second.

Check your ego at the door. Everyone walks a different path out of high school, and assuming that folks will be interested in the price difference between a Bud bottle in DUMBO versus this Rolling Rock here is going to get your ass ignored (or kicked).

Real confidence comes from knowing you're charming enough to not rely on your credentials and cash flow as conversation pieces. Keep the embossed business card in your pants.

If the trip down memory lane turns out to be paved with awkward silences, switch it up. Shift into a more standard approach. Because picking up a girl at your hometown bar need not be different from picking up a girl at any other bar.

Act as if the two of you don't have a past. Get to know her now, in this moment, as this person—not whoever she was in 11th grade. Chances are, she doesn't have the kindest feelings about that person. Create chemistry based on where you two are now.

Your perceived notions about old hierarchy systems are played out, dude.

You might have been that awkward goth kid who didn't figure how his penis worked until college, but you're an adult now. You wear matching socks, and more importantly, you've evolved into a more self-aware human being. Instead of remembering the stereotypes about the social groups you two fit in years ago, and then acting on them, focus on your current steez (and hers). Forget marching band and the bad acne.

Yes, this means you can (and should) go for the girl you once considered out of your league. LEAGUES ARE ALL IN YOUR MIND. Mostly.

Sex with your ex is almost always a terrible idea. You know that. But after a few rounds of Jägerbombs "for old time's sake," boning your ex for the same reason suddenly transforms into a great idea.

She's at the bar with her old friends, and that familiar smug attitude that simultaneously aggravates you and attracts you to her is back. Her face is bright, and you're staring.

Our advice here? What the hell—go for it. But only if you're single and over her. We'd walk you through pulling this off, but you've had sex with this woman before, remember?