10 Ways Katie Holmes Can Get Her Swag Back

Katie Holmes was once America's uncontested sweetheart. As the intimidatingly verbose Joey Potter, Holmes seized the nation's hearts and groins with her tomboyish charms on The WB teen drama Dawson's Creek. She even managed to hold our attention as she waded through misled movie roles, from the one-note thriller Disturbing Behavior, to a lackluster role in 2000'sThe Gift (save for a brief moment of nudity), to a forgettable appearance alongside Aaron Eckhart in the otherwise decent film Thank You for Smoking. How then, has our side-smirking natural beauty fallen so far from grace?

Her slow-motion descent from wholesome darling to supposed diva began the moment she admitted her childhood dream of marrying Tom Cruise in a 2004 interview with Seventeen. Her seemingly offhand remark is likely what prompted Cruise to swoop down on the doe-eyed ingenue in 2005, effectively sweeping her off her feet in a whirlwind wooing spectacular which culminated with a proposal at the top of Paris' Eiffel Tower less than six months later and what may be television's first couch serenade.

With that, Cruise effectively replaced the nation's collective crush on Holmes with several over-sized question marks. Katie Holmes, gangly and girlishly innocent object of our infatuation was now the wife of the a prominent Scientologist who made his mark on pop culture dancing in his tighty whities, wearing a pink oxford nonetheless. Risky Business, indeed.

After five years of marriage to Cruise and a full-scale indoctrination into The Church of Scientology, and with quality movie roles scant and shaky performances a-plenty, it's safe to Katie Holmes has officially lost her swagger. Blame it on our tenacious nostalgia, or blind optimism, but we still maintain hope that Katie can reclaim her former place in our hearts. All she needs to do is finalize her recent headline-monopolizing divorce, and take our well-meaning advice: 10 Ways Katie Holmes Can Get Her Swag Back.

Written by Shanté Cosme (@ShanteCosme)

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At 33-years-old, Katie Holmes is youthful, even by Hollywood standards. Why then, is she holed up in her Chelsea apartment in New York City, rarely seen save for an occasional red carpet appearance or run to grab a pint of milk at Whole Foods? We get it, she's a mother, but it rings as strange that she's never had even a semblance of a social life. (Seriously, google "Katie Holmes partying." Nothing comes up.)

Now that Katie has been unshackled, we'd like to see her out with some women her own age, acting her own age. We're not saying go all Lindsay Lo-Ho circa 2007, but amidst claims she might actually be a robot, she needs to remind us she's actually lively and vivacious.

We understand. She married Tom at a very-ripe 27-years-old and lost some of the best years of her life. The GPS tracking device Tom implanted in her left butt cheek while she were sleeping that one night made it difficult to do anything but buy groceries and stare vacantly out her apartment window. Now, start making up for lost time!

Hire a babysitter for the night (with those hefty child support payments, we know she can afford it!) and have an "I'm free, bitches!" celebration with some fun-loving singletons like Mila Kunis or Cameron Diaz. Be photographed with a cocktail in hand. Maybe even look a little drunk. If she's anything but perfect and stifled she'll restore our faith in her essential humanity.

Katie needs to take some notes from her thrice-Oscar nominated former co-star Michelle Williams and start taking on more challenging, unexpected roles in order to to be considered an award-caliber actress. Katie has garnered some acclaim for her part in the drug-oriented ensemble piece Go and her brief-but-potent screen time in 2000's Wonder Boys (pictured above, with Michael Douglas), but her critically lauded role in the poignantly offbeat indie comedy Pieces of April is her most successful foray in film to date.

Rather than attempting another go at a commercially-driven blockbuster like Batman Begins (for which she snagged a Razzie nom for worst supporting actress, her second time being bestowed with the honor), Katie should reinforce our belief in her acting chops in a small, explosive role in an indie with a stellar script. She should leave the earnest, girl-next-door bit behind in favor of a more offbeat role as an angry lesbian whose heart gets broken, or former junkie turned ballerina. The stranger and less Katie-like, the better.

The one thing Holmes has working in her favor? Despite the questionable judgement she showed in marrying Cruise (a misstep she is working on amending) she appears to be a very devoted mother, and her apparent parenting skills are currently doing wonders for her public persona.

Recent photos, like the one above of Suri and Katie in an East Village ice cream shop, reinforce this positive trait, and keep us rooting for Katie's stand against Scientology putting its creepy mitts on her adorable 6-year-old daughter.

As long as Katie remains committed to winning the custody battle and to her daughter's well being, we'll remain convinced that the girl-next-door essence remains unscathed somewhere inside her, and be rooting for its full-scale return.

Since Katie announced her plans to divorce Tom Cruise, the world has collectively descended into a state of shock. No one is the least bit surprised by Katie's motives for the split, we're just shocked she actually had the spunk to pull it off.

Blame it on her stink-faced, half-smile (which sometimes reads as a condescending smirk), but Katie Holmes and "likeable" aren't two things you ordinarily equate with one another. There's something a little hollow about her, something stifled, a hint of dull residue she needs to wipe away with a shot of Windex and a little attitude.

If Lana Del Rey and Kristen Stewart haven't already made it painfully clear, the media isn't exactly keen on Negative Nancys. Nor are they fans of Cranky Cindys and Boring Belindas, which is why Holmes would greatly benefit from a bubbly run on a few late night talk shows. If she can make us not regret tuning in to the Craig Ferguson by showing off her newly-single sheen and a little unexpected charisma, we promise, we might just forgive her many years of carefully curated apathy.

Katie's sub-par supporting role as Adam Sandler's wife inJack and Jill made for painful viewing, not only because it was entirely implausible that Sandler would ever land someone who looks like Holmes, but also because the script was godawful. Yes, Katie, we're blaming it on the script. You can thank us later.

Sandler's storytelling shortcomings aside, we also have a strong suspicion that Holmes is taking herself too seriously. Her next comedic role should focus on more darkly comic material—her personal life.

Considering James Van Der Beek is in the midst of a quasi-comeback thanks to taking cracks at Dawson's undeniable douchiness on Don't Trust the B---- in Apartment 23, Katie should follow suit by taking a swing at her unfolding Scientology saga on Saturday Night Live. SNL has long been the preferred comeback vehicle among fallen stars (see: Lindsay Lohan), and we bet that if Katie could tossed some well-timed snark in her own direction, people everywhere would once again find themselves fawning over her.

If we had to pinpoint the very moment where Katie's swag was effectively obliterated, we would look no further than Tom Cruise's infamous couch-trampolining moment on Oprah. It was then that we solidified our long-held suspicion that Cruise was drunk on the Scientology juice and had incurred some brain damage during his more than 20-year-bender. It was also then that we lost respect for Holmes and questioned her ability to make sane, rational choices.

Yes, when we heard news of the split, part of us proclaimed, "She's come to her senses!" but the cynical part of us also suspects Katie's synapses might still be firing incorrectly. We won't be convinced all is well in her pretty little cranium until she makes some sensible dating decisions, namely hooking up with an equally attractive, non-cult member roughly around the same age as her.

Dating is difficult, we know, so allow us to play matchmaker and offer a few acceptable choices for when she's ready to get back out there. Remember back in the day when she dated the irritatingly wholesome Chris Klein? A modern day equivalent would be Bradley Cooper. Want to stick to quirkier breed of dude a la Mr. Cruise? Go for unpredictable intellectual James Franco. Even a few dates with Chase Crawford, her co-star in the upcoming Responsible Adults, would make a fine argument that her aptitude for choosing a suitable partner has improved drastically.

See, Katie doesn't have to date an old man to find a talented equal! Some of her peers, despite not having been in Top Gun, have done some admirable work.

Remember Katie Holmes' appearance on Punk'd back in 2005? Ashton set her up by staging a meeting between her and a producer at his apartment, where she witnessed the producer making out with his mistress. When Katie was confronted by the producer's girlfriend, who demanded that Katie reveal what she knows about his affair, she became adorably flustered, nearly bursting into tears during the interrogation.

Where has that down-to-earth girl gone? Damn if we know, but we do know how she can convince the world she still lies somewhere in the hardened rubble that is Katie's soul: reality television.

Don't get us wrong, reality is a deplorable career move for anyone not named Kardashian, but in Katie's case, it would be a wonderful way to give the world a much needed glimpse into her true self (if unscripted). And, after years of plastic smiles and alarmingly affectionate poses on the red carpet with Tom, we understandably need a little convincing that there is still a real person in there.

Considering that Katie recently made a soon-to-be-aired appearance on Project Runway: All Stars, we suggest she do a single season stint on her own reality show focusing on the evolution of her clothing line, Holmes & Yang. It would be called Katie Does Couture and it would focus on Katie's efforts to launch her line from obscurity to the stuff of fashion obsession. Suddenly we'd see Katie as what we hope she really is—ambitious, talented, independent, and most importantly, human.

Rumor has it that Katie was all about a Dawson's Creek reunion until Tom forbid her from ever assuming the role of Joey Potter again, or even having subconscious reveries about anything resembling her doe-eyed alter ego. Yes, he even monitors her daydreams.

Now that Tom's input carries no weight, Katie should immediately give the Creek kids a ring and see if they'd be down for an impromptu reunion. I mean, what are they really doing anyway? Joshua Jackson will likely fall off the radar after the upcoming final season of Fringe this fall, Dawson is doing a second-rate impression of himself on ABC's Don't Trust The B---- in Apt 23, and Michelle Williams—well, she may be tougher to convince. (That's so Jen Lindley of her, being the diffucult one, isn't it?)

Once she's gathered up the ol' gang, she should discuss the possibility of a Dawson's Creek full-length feature. Sure, it would be corny, but it would be awesome nostalgia porn, and there are plenty of people who are into that kind of thing. Like us. Plus, don't front and act like you don't occasionally find yourself wondering whether Joey would have ended up with Pacey or Dawson. Now you'll finally put an end to that nagging inquiry.

Anyone who has any doubts that Katie has what it takes to launch a full-fledged comeback clearly hasn't seen her upcoming cover for the August issue of Elle. Even Katie's most ardent detractors can't deny it: Holmes is undeniably hot!

With Caribbean blue eyes, cheekbones angular enough to inspire the envy of models, and a perpetually lithe physique, Holmes easily stands her ground among Hollywood's most stunning women. The only thing that took away from that was the Dianetics-drunk quasi-midget perpetually hanging on her arm.

Now that's she's ditched the inferior accessory, she needs to capitalize on those good looks and share her previously well-hidden goodies with the world. Putting them to work in a scantily-clad magazine spread (we humbly offer our services!) would silence the rumors that Tom has been starving her while simultaneously inspiring the long-dormant desires of men everywhere.

Seriously, every XY chromosome from 12-32 had less than G-rated fantasies of Joey Potter climbing into their bedroom window instead of that mopey schmuck Dawson's. Reawaken those reveries!

If Katie Holmes had the moxie to single-handedly expose The Church of Scientology, she would undoubtedly get widespread props. Many speculate that a confidentiality clause in her marriage would legally restrict her from attempting this, so if she were able to pull it off, risks and all, it would be that much more impressive a feat.

The fact that Katie was even able to serve Tom with divorce papers has many assuming that Scientology's grasp on her has been considerably weakened since several key members of the church have already spoke out against its unorthodox methods. There have also been persistent claims that Katie's impetus for divorcing Cruise is protecting Suri from the church's controversial practice of "sec checking," which requires children from ages 6-12 years old to be hooked up to an e-meter device while being morally interrogated with ambiguous questions like, "Have you ever gotten yourself dirty on purpose?"

Katie needn't orchestrate the collapse of Scientology, but at some point, she should address her experiences (and, hopefully, reservations) frankly in order to separate herself from her soon-to-be ex-husband's bizarre belief system. We're not suggesting she suddenly revert to her former Catholic school girl ways (even Jesus would find that improbably miraculous) but distinctly distancing herself from the ideology by sharing what she knows about the assumed cult would go a long way for her image.