10 Stages Your Ex Goes Through After You Dump Her

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The morning after you break up with her will be the worst, most excruciating moment in the painful onslaught of emotional bruising soon to follow. She will deal with the pain by applying a powerful antiseptic known as denial. No matter how clear you were in detailing why you no longer love her (and hopefully, for your sake, you were explicitly clear), she will find a tiny, nearly invisible loophole in your words which she will worm herself into.

Did he say break-up? He definitely meant a short break. Did he mention another woman? She's clearly just a rebound. He'll realize how awesome I am and be groveling for another chance in a week, max. 

At this point in the game, she will also listen to misled friends who are ardently convincing her you would be a fool to let her get away, and that you'll return when you come to your senses, even if they're just lying to her to avoid having her meltdown over margaritas in Chilis. For the third time. That night. The margaritas themselves are also crucial to her coping at this stage.

Roughly one week after you fail to return, she will slowly start to accept the truth. She might ask you for an explanation of why things ended, which she will call "closure." This is both an attempt to come to terms with the grim reality of the situation, and also a very convenient excuse to see/talk to you without appearing too desperate. 

After you tell her why it ended (again), she will begin intermittently sobbing for several weeks. She will tell her tale of love and loss to everyone from her friends and co-workers, to the guy at the bodega selling her ice cream (for the fifth night in a row), to strangers on the subway, until even she is sick of hearing herself. 

If she finds her supply of tears has dwindled, she'll start listening to Alicia Keys and obsessively stalking your Facebook to prod her nearly dry tear ducts into producing more moisture.

Every amazing memory you've made during your relationship will play on an endless loop in her mind for at least two weeks. She'll try to resist their allure, but your past will shimmer like a pool of water in a desert and she'll be drawn to helplessly drink. 

She'll recall every inside joke and heart-to-heart you've had in the rosiest possible light, and she'll mentally relive each moment you spent together, including the sex. Especially the sex. She'll probably fantasize about you for a minimum of three weeks after the break up before telling herself bursting into tears when she orgasms isn't healthy for her. We're mostly kidding with that last part. Mostly.

The road to recovery is paved with gin and tonics. An inevitable side street on this well-lubricated road is tipsy telephone calls at 3 a.m. telling you how much she misses you and subtly hinting at make-up sex. She will wake-up and cringe at her attempts to get you back (in bed), and swiftly resolve to never make such a call again.

Depending on the degree of her self-control and pride, she will resist her iPhone's allure for a maximum of three days, at which point her friends will automatically begin taking her phone from her after two drinks (one if it's tequila).

At some point, she'll realize it's necessary to go all Eminem on her walk-in closet. She'll then purge every trace of you from her abode, including but not limited to every love letter you ever wrote her, small, meaningless mementos she's accumulated over the years (or, uh, months), everything you've left at her apartment, and anything that even vaguely reminds her of you. 

Depending on how much rage she has, she may or may not light these things on fire. She might just pull the standard tearing-them-up-while-cursing thing. Yes, she knows it's unnecessary because it's just going in the garbage anyway, but damn, it feels good.

She will remind herself she deserves a lot better, although she won't be entirely convinced of it (despite the insistence of her friends, who will be using this time to voice their long held negative opinions of you). This step towards clarity will be aided by making a long, descriptive list of your faults, and enumerating your many flaws to her friends until she gets to the point where she actually believes it.

If you were a good boyfriend who just fell out of love, this will be difficult. If you were a crappy boyfriend, it will be much easier, and she will definitely have an epiphany moment where she sees things for what they are. This will be immensely satisfying for her.

After a couple weeks of unabated wallowing, she will look in the mirror and realize she's a hot mess minus the hot. At this point, she'll remind herself (probably aloud) that she needs to snap the hell out of it. She is crazy/sexy/cool and if you don't see it, you're insane. She will go into Transformer mode with a speed that rivals even the craftiest Decepticon.

She will go shopping and spend money she doesn't have on a new outfit that makes her feel irresistible. She will exercise like a maniac (preferably boxing classes, so she can pretend the bag is your sweet, adorable—NO, MANGLED—face).

Working out will not work quickly enough, so she will also dye her hair or cut a massive amount of it off and maybe even get a tattoo or piercing. This is less to shock you (though, that's part of it), and more to signify her resurrection as a newly single woman, with her past self with you behind her. A few chops and a splash of peroxide, and she's got a blond bob and a new lease on life. Yes, it can be that easy.

She's definitely not going to sit in the house with that sleek new bob (and bod) in her new dress. And, even if she wanted to, her friends would never allow it. They'll be calling her practically every day to save her slipping sanity, force her to get out of the house and remind her that, no, pajamas don't count as legitimate clothing.

She'll initially hesitate, but once she actually showers, she will realize, "Hey, this break-up actually looks pretty good on me." Then she'll be eager to take her post break-up makeover for a test drive. She'll dance her smaller ass off, and she'll definitely make out with the first cute, adoring face that sets his sights in her general direction. Her friends will undoubtedly encourage this behavior, labeling it as "moving on."

She may even allow that cute face to take her out a few times, and they might even have sex, but she'll be thinking of you the whole time, and hating herself for it. Hating herself for every second she lets your cute dumb face enter into her mind uninvited. And that poor schmuck? He will have absolutely no clue what's he's getting himself into.

As she transitions through the various stages of recovery, she will take pains to appear she has escaped from your break-up entirely unscathed, in spite of the unease she's undoubtedly feeling. Everything she does will attempt to communicate unparallelled confidence and emotional health, and announce, "Look at me. I'm enjoying life without...what's your name again?"

This will include remarkably composed status updates/tweets that range from overt false optimism ("Nothing like the present. Looking forward to this wonderful new day!") to blatant jealousy fishing by checking into sleek restaurants with her new dude. And, of course, the "What, I just broke up with someone?" status update, in which she'll post mundane, nonchalant observations as if you never existed. Like, ever. That latter is the hardest to pull off, and she'll feel incredibly smug when she does.

The time period on this one is hard to pinpoint, as it's unique to each woman, but she will gradually come to a point where the sting of rejection fades to a subtle, barely discernible scar. You'll be able to tell she's reached this point when she stops mean grilling you when she sees you with a new girl, and instead says, "I'm happy you're doing well" and actually means it. 

Yes, she'll still think of you occasionally, but over time, she'll have reached her own conclusion of not only why things didn't work out, but also why they were never meant to. Sometimes this realization comes from a series of small, strewn together epiphanies, sometimes its a conclusion she's forced to adopt as a means of survival, but more often than not, it's the result of finding someone new.

And yes, there will always be a few tiny triggers that remind her of you that will refuse to fade no matter how hard she tries to scrub them out of her memory. That song. That restaurant. That one time...

She'll never tell you about those moments, but trust, they exist.