A Gentleman's Guide to Breakups

There comes a moment when it clicks—it's over. She doesn't look the same to you, her cute tics now scan as grating neuroses, and none of it can be taken back. You know it's time to split.

Breaking up is damn difficult to do. You did love her once. And assuming she hasn't cheated on you or did something similarly detestable, you still care about her, and thinking about tearing her heart out her chest brings you little to no pleasure.

Fortunately, we're here to talk you through dropping the bomb without feeling like a total douche. Yes, it's possible, and yes, you can do it! Don't wait another minute, this is Complex's comprehensive guide to cutting her loose: A Gentleman's Guide to Breakups.

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Don't think too deeply about when—the right time is when you know it's over. Do it then; don't wait. Don't wait until the summer just to keep a warm body in your bed, or until a holiday passes, or any other arbitrary mark on the calendar.

Sometimes the worst times are actually the best times, in retrospect. For instance: Breaking up with someone after arriving home from a trip from Vegas might seem like the worst possible time (oh, the implications!) but it can actually prove to be the best (your things are already packed!).

Yet another example: Right before Valentine's Day seems like a bad idea, (who willingly becomes single then?) but it gives you the opportunity to drop a great one-liner like, "I'm giving you up for lent" (which was the following week). Yes, these things happen.

The point here is that when you know you don't love someone anymore, there is no right time to tell them. However, there is a wrong time. And that wrong time is weeks or months after you've already made the decision.

Carrying on the charade of affection is hard work, not to mention cruel. You're not being kind to wait for "the right time," you're just prolonging the inevitable. Stop procrastinating.

So, you've decided to cut her loose, and you're not going to wait until after her birthday/Bastille Day/winter. Kudos, sir; you've done the right thing. However, it is worth noting that you're not completely unmoored, and you are not yet entitled to guilt-free sex with other people.

Sure, give yourself a little space in the days leading up to dropping the B-bomb (like the L-bomb, only with sad tears, not happy tears), but don't take respite in another girl's vagina just yet. That's the quickest way to guarantee an emotionally sloppy breakup. And although it does clearly say "I'm no longer interested in our relationship," there are better ways to communicate this, ways that make you look less like an asshole, and more like the gentleman you are.

If you loved someone at some point, ever, and you're a mildly compassionate human, you might be temped to deliver the softest blow possible via some variant of "it's not you, it's me". While you're probably shaking your head at the notion that you'd ever use such a lame line, chances are you've fallen back on some thinly-veiled version of that shtick before.

Pseudo-compassionate lines NOT to use include:

The most important aspect of an effective breakup is clarity, which is exactly what the above lines lack.

When you leave someone with a vaguely dishonest excuse as to why you're ending the relationship, you not only fail to give them any sense of closure (if such a thing is even possible), you also set yourself up for uncomfortable déjà vu scenarios down the line where you're forced to rehash your reasoning all over again.

Hell, this can even happen when you are clear (consider that stereotypical ex who, after any run-in or minor communication, assumes that a reunion is within reach). The point is, people tend to ruminate over the breakup conversation, searching for hope even when things are as obviously bleak as a Kubrick script. Thus, it is your job to eliminate false hope. Don't say things might change "in the future" or that you "need time" when you know there is no future and that the clock has run out.

It might be initially easier to cloak the conversation in ambiguities, but it's kinder (and more efficient) to just...

In theory, honesty would be the most humane way to end a relationship. But in reality, no one wants to hear an excruciatingly long explanation of why he or she has become unlovable. The idea here is to give an outline on why you want out, not a 10,000 word thesis. Explain enough to give a sense of closure; leave out enough to keep from being cruel.

A gentle outline looks like this: I don't think we're compatible enough to have a future together. We lack [major relationship issue] and we don't see eye to eye on [fundamental values that are different].

A brutal thesis looks like this: I could never marry you. You'd be a terrible mother. I hate the way you [a long list of little, arbitrary things she does that annoy you]. I think I can find someone better/more attractive/intelligent/sane/interesting/freaky in bed, followed by more needless details re: why she is inferior to the awesomeness that is you.

A breakup shouldn't feel like an attack on the other person's character. It should be an honest assessment of how and why your feelings have changed, without resorting to verbally assaulting the other person by enumerating their faults. That's not honesty; that's emotional terrorism.

After all is said and done, don't go and ruin your conscientious cast-off with sloppy social media gaffes. Writing about your relationship on the Internet is the verbal equivalent of standing on a tall platform in front of all of your mutual friends loudly shouting, "Sarah didn't cut it. I'm on the market again! Bring out the Champagne!"

A few rules of thumb regarding social media:

1. The high road is paved with silence. This means not tweeting, blogging or status-updating about the details of your relationship's demise, even cryptically. (See: Chris Brown, Ashton Kutcher, etc.) This also means refraining from discussing new love interests/one night stands online for a courtesy period of roughly 2-5 months. Talk to your friends about this stuff over a beer, like you did before the Internet existed.

2. Follow her lead when it comes to changing your relationship status. If she changes it to single, feel free to follow suit. If she doesn't, remove the relationship status entirely and delete the post denoting the change off your timeline. She doesn't need to see dozens of your friends commenting on it, whether it's with enthusiasm or sadness.

3. Discuss de-friending one another to avoid painful complications like the ones described above. I say discuss, because that's better than just doing it, especially if you worked in the "let's stay friends" line (because you know you did). Ultimately, this is the fastest way to healing (for her) and moving on (for you).

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Good luck dropping the bomb. Hopefully the whole relationship-deactivation thing goes smoothly. And remember, when in doubt, don't blog about it.