Image via Complex Original
Portland, OR is different from other major American cities. Indeed, the city's residents pride themselves on this, and will go to considerable lengths to maintain the rep. But "Keep Portland Weird!," a rallying cry lifted from Austin, TX, goes beyond crunchy, twee culture.
Fact: Portland has the most strip clubs per capita of any U.S. city. Fact: Portland has a vegan strip club. Fact: Portland has earned its weird stripes.
Peruse Yelp for a few hours and you'll uncover significant strangeness amid the strip club reviews. It's like peeling a rotten, laughing orange. Why is it laughing? Because Portland is fucking weird.
Enjoy the Funniest Strip Club Reviews on Yelp: Portland Edition.
Baked Goods
Strip Club: Casa Diablo Vegan Strip Club
Address: 2839 NW Saint Helens Rd.
Website: casadiablo.com
One dancer falling on her head (we'll pray for her) aside, the most fascinating moment of this train wreck comes during the pot brownie interlude, where a stripper apologizes for being soft but still finds it in her limbs to push her vulva into a man's face. Signs and wonders.
Namaste
Strip Club: Acropolis
Address: 8325 SE McLoughlin Blvd.
Website: acropolispdx.com
You know how Ernest Hemingway has that micro-story that carries with it tremendous meaning and pain despite only being six words long? ("For sale: baby shoes, never worn.") Chris D. summarized an entire city in just 19. He's not going to write For Whom the Bell Tolls, but we're still happy for him.
A Strip Club by David Lynch
Strip Club: Acropolis
Address: 8325 SE McLoughlin Blvd.
Website: acropolispdx.com
And so three sentences in the full experience is likened to a David Lynch film. We can stop there, as this trip to the strip club could potentially include a lost ear. Or nitrous oxide. Or rape. Or a shotgun to the face. Or Richard Farnsworth on a tractor. Stop us when you realize that you don't want a lap dance scripted by Lynch.
Flexing on 'Em
Strip Club: Acropolis
Address: 8325 SE McLoughlin Blvd.
Website: acropolispdx.com
First the dancer is likened to Mike Tyson, who famously, and in earnest, told a stranger "I'll fuck you till you love me." Then the Tyson-esque dancer is said to have launched into a pecs-flexing routine. But Corey G. wasn't "feeling" it. So, there's that. And the whole thing ends with a sad-face emoticon. This is human suffering.
Fantastic Toilets
Strip Club: Acropolis
Address: 8325 SE McLoughlin Blvd.
Website: acropolispdx.com
Hey, guys—don't worry. The toilets here are fantastic! Two-ply sheets! His full colon was not mad! Hell is other people shitting.
Garlic
Strip Club: Lucky Devil Lounge
Address: 633 SE Powell Blvd.
Website: luckydevillounge.com
Real talk: Where is the garlic? Is it in the grilled cheese or the hummus? Or is there hummus on the grilled cheese? HOW CAN WE KNOW WHICH STRIP CLUBS TO EAT AT IF YOU CAN'T WRITE ENGLISH?
Where is the Rap?
Strip Club: Union Jack's
Address: 938 East Burnside St.
Website: unionjacksclub.com
As far as the first paragraph goes, we understand. A strip club without rap is like a cat without an owner willing to pay for its leukemia treatment. But that second paragraph, the one with the belt? It's just hilarious. Did his pants fall down while her boobs were smashing?! That would be, like, so funny.
The Gotti Boys
Strip Club: Union Jack's
Address: 938 East Burnside St.
Website: unionjacksclub.com
The Gottis would never appreciate glowing female genitalia because they aren't aliens. Geez, Dana. They're just assholes. There's a difference.
At Half-Mast
Strip Club: Mary's Club
Address: 129 SW Broadway
Website: marysclub.com
Failure to achieve half-mast when you're young makes your dad's life so immediate and trill. We highly recommend it.
We All Sparkle
Strip Club: Devil's Point
Address: 5305 SE Foster Rd.
Website: devilspoint.net
"Then you motorboated me and told me you loved my sparkles" is our generation's "love is never having to say you're sorry."
Closer
Strip Club: Devil's Point
Address: 5305 SE Foster Rd.
Website: devilspoint.net
In the Humble Brag Olympics, Daniel K. gets three atomic wedgies. Hope he's cool with that.
Enthusiasm
Strip Club: Club 205
Address: 9939 SE Stark St.
Website: club205live.com
How many Ms can one fit into a gross, enthusiastic "yum" that comes near the tail-end of a small essay about eating at a strip club that will make you want to swear off food in favor of a nutrient rich mush rather than eat anything that could possibly connect you in a human way to the scribe of said essay? The answer is: 5.
Breast Milk
Strip Club: Casa Diablo Vegan Strip Club
Address: 2839 NW Saint Helens Rd.
Website: casadiablo.com
Is breast milk vegan? We're asking for a friend.
Great Advice
Strip Club: Devil's Point
Address: 5305 SE Foster Rd.
Website: devilspoint.net
Please see the note. Got it? Valentine wanted us to pass this around. We haven't been able to walk right for days, all because we ignored the note. So, just don't slap her on the ass while singing "Baby Got Back," okay?
The Salad Bar Rapist
Strip Club: Acropolis
Address: 8325 SE McLoughlin Blvd.
Website: acropolispdx.com
Real sentence written by a human: "No five star rating only because I'm a salad bar rapist." Again, this is in relation to a trip to a strip club.
