Caught on Tape: 5 White People Cinco de Mayo Fails

On May 5, 1862, the Mexican army won a decisive battle against the French in the Mexican state of Puebla. The victory was a momentary morale booster that petered out when, soon after, the French captured Mexico City and placed Emperor Maximilian I in charge of the country. However, his rule did not last long, a mere three years.

Another vantage on the history of these events: despite placing Maximilian in charge, the French could not maintain a strong grip on Mexico and thus could not impact the U.S. Civil War, though they wanted to. Their plan was to aid the Confederacy via Mexico, thereby contributing further to the strife fissuring the U.S. But this, like so many other things in the course of human events, was not successful. In this way, the battle of May, 1862 has bearing on the course of U.S. history.

Stepping outside of junior high school history class for a second, let's maturely consider the complex nature of history. Leo Tolstoy, in War and Peace, writes, "History is the life of nations and of humanity. To seize and put into words, to describe directly the life of humanity or even of a single nation, appears impossible."

This is the author of some of the greatest novels in the history of the form and he's admitting that describing history, putting history into words, making sense of history "appears impossible." As in, not possible. A failure. And so we have Cinco de Mayo, this holiday based ostensibly on a historically significant battle. And we have these YouTube videos of white people, in earnest, offering advice on how to celebrate this holiday. What appears impossible in these particular moments is the idea of sense. Meaning the opposite of nonsense. There is no sense to be found among these gringo stars, only degrees of offensiveness and obliviousness. Here are the 5 White People Cinco de Mayo Fails.

There is no better visual metaphor for the typical white American celebration of Cinco de Mayo than the transition between :08 and :10 seconds in this video. A still photograph of two Chicano children in traditional garb that becomes suddenly blotted out by a crudely drawn cartoon burrito is Cinco de Mayo. Even after the burrito shrinks down, the boy's face remains obscured. A cartoon margarita swoops in next to complete the lesson. What have we learned? The whole of Mexican culture is a superficial backdrop for whatever gastronomic and alcoholic excesses we want to enact upon it.

Would it be that surprising if, in the video's next sequence, "Mexican people" appeared on the list so that during our party, in between shots of tequila, we could achieve better verisimilitude by being able to look through drunk and squinted eyes at some honest-to-goodness Mexicans swelling the scene? Yay, us!

First things first, Ryan Segovich: you never say "me llamo es..." It's always "me llamo" and then your name. So, in your case, "me llamo gringo."

Getting off the grammar tip, let's jump to 1:20; Segovich tells the viewer he's going to retrieve something no party would be complete without. Then, instead of emerging with a gun so that Segovich can turn the cameraman's life into a party of freedom where he, the cameraman, no longer has to videotape this turkey, Segovich reveals a dinky pinata. Windy City Novelties offers 40 pinatas and it's a shame that none of them are the Segovich piñata. Because after watching him pull a remote from the brim of his hat immediately following a "cute" maracas dance, all you will want to do is beat him with a wooden stick.

Mind you, this is all before Segovich brings out the "great" light-up items, necessary because this "fiesta" will go all night. The guests, he tells the viewer, will entertain themselves with light-up margarita glasses. Imagine a Ryan Segovich Cinco de Mayo party. Imagine the guests sitting in a dark room flicking the glasses on and off across the table to each other. They're using LED margarita glasses to flash the same message in morse code. Can you guess what that message is? Hint: it's the opposite of "don't kill yourself."

At the 2:30 mark, a man wearing a costume that makes it look like he's simultaneously penetrating/living inside a boneless donkey appears, scampering through what may or may not be a mall food court. He wears a serape and a sombrero hangs from his neck. He's bald, Caucasian. Music that should soundtrack a Speedy Gonzales cartoon plays. We're asking you: is there a difference between this and minstrelsy?

(Neat fact: this video proves there's no such thing as justice in the world! Don't believe me? Jump to 4:00. If justice was real, life would find a way to explode that grill in his face. But nothing happens. And so the human tequila bottle, presumably, goes on to enjoy his delicious food and everyday the world gets a little worse.)

These two clowns are almost there. They've almost stumbled, or danced, their way into satire. But it doesn't quite reach anything recognizable as such; instead it lurks at the fringes of self-aware shenanigans. Oh, wrap yourself in irony, fellas; cut to the lady in the crowd with the unsmiling face like a dried riverbed and let that stand in place of you two having to either definitively poke fun at stereotyping by taking it to a ridiculous level or just participate winkingly. Either you're hipsters or you're Joseph Heller.

Heller never wore pants that tiny. Just saying.