Proof That A Skynet Takeover Is Still A Ways Off: 25 Instances Of Terrible Video Game A.I.

To be honest with you, Mafia II’s cops are pretty good. Anytime you start a problem, they’re on you so fast that you would think that you’re wearing a belt made out of Boston Crème donuts. But, well, that doesn’t mean that they’ll definitely FIND you once they’re on your tail. Not when you can hide behind a bush…with your head sticking right out of it. Again, Mafia II's AI police officers? Pretty good. But behind a good bush…hmm, not so much.

Here’s another example of some decent AI with a hint of strangeness to it. The enemies attack you like hound dogs and will get you if you’re not careful. But then, companions and people nearby clump up together and jump off of bridges like Lemmings sometimes, or, in some strange cases, will just start dancing for no real reason whatsoever. Yeah, we get the sensation to dance, too, sometimes, but not in public for the whole world to see.

X-Men for the NES is a disaster, and mostly because your brain dead AI companion (though, you do have the ability to play with a second human player if you can find one) likes dying and lunging into walls. Why you’re forced to play with two players is beyond us, especially when the second player when controlled by the computer, is utterly incompetent. Hopefully, you’ll get them to die early.

Okay, now here’s an entry that’s possibly more naughty programmers rather than naughty AI. But in many light gun shooters, hostages will just stand up during gun fights and shout, “Don’t shoot me!” Even though, they would have no chance of getting shot if they’d just stay the hell down. AI, what the hell!

Remember when we said the cops in Mafia II were pretty good? Well, while they may not have the ability to actually peer into short bushes, at least they can pilot their own cars and don’t forget about the people that they’ve just arrested. Seriously, GTA, we love you and all, but your AI is pretty awful. Some gunfights can boil down to nothing but AI characters shooting at the air. And some missions can even be failed when you drive someone around, and suddenly, you collide with something else and your car explodes…with the person you were escorting still sitting inside of it. Um, yeah...

We love us some Fallout 3. It truly defines epic adventure. But also epic about it is its AI, which fails at times. It’s seldom, but sometimes, characters will run in circles (a common AI glitch, apparently), and some of your enemies will run at you shooting and then, stop and reload right in front of your scopes. Hmm…maybe the radiation was finally getting to them?

The Fifa games are fairly realistic, except when it comes to defending. Then, well, easy defensive positions seem to fall apart. At times, we’ve seen defenders run away from us when we were barreling down the field. We love saying, “Get outta mai way!” whenever playing, but we didn’t think that they’d actually do it.

Sometimes, the AI in Crysis 2 is TOO good, with enemies able to hit you in seconds on the harder difficulty settings. But other times, the AI is beyond awful, with you able to just spin around an enemy and shoot them to bits without them able to even able to do something. Hopefully, blowing up Terminators will be this easy in the future. Here’s hoping.

Left 4 Dead is all about cooperation. So much so, that if you should decide to off yourself from the stress, others will sometimes choose to follow you to your death. But not intentionally. That would just be eerie. Oh, no, look out, Coach!

While money plays (plays that you could do every play and get yardage) aren’t as frequent today as they were back in the olden days, they still exist, and they can still be exploited to the extreme. Madden’s former cheatin’ Raiders would be proud.

Here’s another example of making oneself dizzy by going in circles. The AI in this game wasn’t awful all the time, but we saw instances of soldiers twirling in circles, walking into walls and also having problems going up stairs at times. What happened?

You have no idea (unless you had to endure it yourself) how angry we got at how lazy Farrah is at defending herself on the elevator level of POP: The Sands of Time. But yeah, we were pretty angry. The AI would just stand there at times, calling for help while you tried to make it to the top. Is it any wonder why we weren’t too upset when she died at the end of the game? (Though, the Prince cancelling it all out in the end was kind of a cheat on the writers’ part).

The old Smackdown games had some really ridiculous AI in them, as your opponents would sometimes just stand there while you pummeled away at them, offering little resistance. But this new game, well, it’s kind of new and shouldn’t have problems like this anymore. But lo and behold, sometimes, if you position them just right, other wrestlers won’t be able to get into the ring…like they’re suddenly terrified of it. You could do this all day if you wanted to. And we won’t blame you if you do.

This may be another instance of the developers having a little fun with us, but why is Slippy always in danger? Even when he’s not being chased by the enemy, he’ll fly right in the way of your blasters. Falco’s right, he CAN be such a headache.

Words to live by—never let AI behind the wheel. Unless you want them repeatedly driving into a wall over and over again, that is. But that’s not all. The marines in the Halo series are just so damn brain dead, it’s pathetic. They’ll stand around and be shot at. What a joke.

Sure, they’re only bots, you say. But don’t you feel just the teensiest bad when you fire at them as they stand with their backs toward you and don’t even make an effort to start running when you’re killing their buddies left and right? No? Us, either. Die, thoughtless robots! Die!

Playing two players with a human in Army of Two can actually be pretty enjoyable. And playing with the computer can be, too, as long as you know that player 2 is going to take care of himself and himself alone. But isn’t the whole point of this game supposed to be about homoerotic brotherhood? How come our second playing robot seems to not want to help us out of a bind, and sometimes, even bring us even DEEPER into danger by not healing us and dragging us into gunfire? If you’re going to play this series, play with a buddy. Trust us. Just play with a buddy.

Everything about Daikatana was just painful upon release. And it’s still painful today, especially looking back at its jittery AI that would run all over the place and not get a damn thing done. Daikatana made us its bitch, alright. In every negative way possible, of course.

Rainbow Six Vegas 2 is so lopsided in its AI, it’s crazy. Some moments, you’ll think you could be standing on the complete opposite side of a building and STILL get hit by an enemy. And at other times, it’s as easy as waiting while guys repel themselves down a rope, and just watch the bodies pile up. Like we said before, crazy.

Why are the non-playable characters in Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion so out of control? When talking to them, they sometimes don’t like what you tell them and then start wigging out, running all over the place and asking similar questions only to spiral out of control again. And combat around them is scary, as they seem to one to run right into your attacks. All in a day a day’s work.

Dom is awesome. When he’s just standing around and looking cool (but not when he’s talking about his wife). But when he starts actually, you know, doing stuff, he’s not so cool. Jumping in and out of cover for no reason, firing at nothing, getting into trouble. Dom needs to learn to just stay STILL. God, it’s like he has ADD on the battlefield. He probably does.

Many people have cited that RE5 is unplayable due to Sheva’s inability to do anything rational. We’re not sure we totally agree (Chris was pretty useless, too), but the masses have spoken. Resident Evil 5 kind of sucked. And it was mostly because of the buddy system. Why do it if it’s not going to be done right?

Jeez, you would think Dead Rising was a Charles Bronson picture, as all of the survivors in this game have death wishes. Running toward zombies rather than away from them, Dead Rising has possibly the most intolerable AI characters on this list. And we’re not even done with it yet.

Is real military combat as bad as this? Please tell us no, because then we’ll have yet another thing to lose sleep over at night. Unless you specifically tell the AI what to do, they will stand out in the open and shoot blindly, NEEDING your commands or you’re dead shit. We know all about dehumization from movies like Full Metal Jacket, but this is ridiculous. Even helicopter pilots need their strict commands just to fly. Damn.

The gold standard when it comes to awful AI. We thought Tails was supposed to be a fox, not a cat. How does he have so many lives? He dies nearly every five seconds. And you couldn’t give a rat’s ass.