10 Movie Musicals That Don't Suck

The thing that sucks about musicals: They're musicals. More often than not, telling a story through song and dance is distracting, especially when the actors breaking into song in the middle of climactic scenes launch into tepid numbers that you would never listen to independently.

On rare occasions, though, musicals avoid laming out by forgoing the schmaltz of stage productions and employing songs that work on their own. This Christmas, when everybody should be packing theaters to see Django Unchained, the latest of auteur Quentin Tarantino's eminently quotable films, a bunch of saps will pay to see Les Misérables, the film adaptation of the stage musical based on French writer Victor Hugo's 1862 novel. If you're going to do that, we suggest you just stay in and watch one of these 10 Movie Musicals That Don't Suck.

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Written by Rich Knight (@Riknight36)

Director: Tim Burton
Writer: John Logan
Composer: Stephen Sondheim
Stars: Johnny Depp, Helena Bonham Carter, Alan Rickman, Timothy Spall, Jayne Wisener, Sacha Baron Cohen, Jamie Campbell Bower, Laura Michelle Kelly, Ed Sanders

This movie scared us from getting our beards cut at the barber for weeks after we saw Johnny Depp slitting throats. But it's the little things that make this classic musical, based on Stephen Sondheim and Hugh Wheeler's 1979 Tony Award winner, about revenge shine as a modern day movie.

Let's talk about Johnny Depp singing to his razors. The song has always been in the production, but there's something intrinsically wonderful about creepy Johnny Depp doing the singing this time. We also love Timothy Spall singing to Alan Rickman (who will always be Die Hard Christmas terrorist Hans Gruber to us) about how "Women, my lord, are weeeeak."

There's just so much to love here that we can't hate on Tim Burton's adaptation of Sweeney Todd. We just can't. And Helena Bonham Carter is easy on the eyes, too.

Director: Ron Clements, John Musker
Writer: Ron Clements, John Musker, Ted Elliott, Terry Rossio
Composer: Alan Menken
Stars: Scott Weinger, Jonathan Freeman, Robin Williams, Linda Larkin, Frank Welker, Gilbert Gottfried, Douglas Seale

Yes, we know, we know. Total cop out, right? Disney musicals should be strictly forbidden from this list since they tend to be lame fodder for young women to dress up as Disney Princesses and act like their shit doesn't stink. But Aladdin was one of the few musicals that we as kids didn't really even consider a musical back in the day, and that's saying something.

There were people with swords chasing a young thief in the dusty streets. This was a story about hustling! But amongst all that escape from dangerous caves on a magic carpet and the sword swinging, there were also pretty memorable tunes, most notably "A Whole New World," and "Prince Ali" (Marvelous he!). Seriously, Aladdin was—and still is—the shit. Recognize the Genie.

Director: Frank Oz
Writer: Howard Ashman
Composer: Miles Goodman
Stars: Rick Moranis, Ellen Greene, Vincent Gardenia, Steve Martin, Levi Stubbs

"Feed me, Seymour!" We've been terrified of Venus Flytraps ever since a giant, extraterrestrial, flesh-eating plant spoke those words to Rick Moranis' character in 1986. The killer, Audrey II (voiced by Levi Stubbs), is simultaneously vicious and lovable, and this darkly comedic sci-fi musical, which was based on an off-Broadway musical that Roger Corman's 1960 comedy The Little Shop of Horrors inspired, is one of Moranis' and Steve Martin's best movies. Anyone hating can end up plant food.

Director: Lloyd Kaufman
Writer: Gabriel Friedman, Daniel Bova, Lloyd Kaufman
Composer: Duggie Banas
Stars: Jason Yachanin, Kate Graham, Robin Watkins, Allyson Sereboff

Poultrygeist: Night of the Chicken Dead, from Troma Entertainment, the same company that gave us B-movie gems The Toxic Avenger and Surf Nazis Must Die, is as ridiculous as it sounds, and we love every gory minute of it. We don't only love the ludicrous bloodshed, though. We also love that it's a musical with a very sweet score and some surprisingly goofy, but heartfelt lyrics like: "My meat in your buns makes such special sauce." You can't lose with lines like that!

Unlike most musicals, which are all about the songs, this movie adds humor, horror, and a message about fast food consumption to the mix like only Troma can, so expect lots of breasts (of the female and chicken variety), lots of blood, and lots of jokes in poor taste. We wouldn't have it any other way.

Director: James Bobin
Writer: Jason Segel, Nicholas Stoller
Composer: Christophe Beck
Stars: Jason Segel, Amy Adams, Chris Cooper, Rashida Jones, Jack Black, The Muppets

In truth, we could have picked any of the Muppet movies; we're going with the most recent one since it's fresh in our heads and we love Amy Adams to pieces. Jason Segel made a bold move in attempting to revive the Muppets, but he came through in a big way, capturing all the goodness of the beloved puppets and nostalgia while also telling a great story about growing up.

We love everything about this movie, from the Oscar winning song, "Man or Muppet" ("Are you a Muppet or a Man?!"), to its Rashida Jones and Jack Black appearances. We can't get enough of hearing Kermit and Miss Piggy sing. Oh, and Chris Cooper can rap! Sort of. *Maniacal laugh*

Director: John Carney
Writer: John Carney
Composer: Glen Hansard
Stars: Glen Hansard, Marketa Irglová

Unlike most musicals, which launch into songs in a way that is distracting from the story, Once, which follows two musicians (real-life players Hansgard and Irglová) who meet on the streets of Dublin and bond creatively and romantically, introduces great songs organically. The tunes, which the characters have written about their personal experiences, flow naturally as Hansgard's "Guy" busks for shoppers, records a demo, or teaches Irglová's "Girl" one of his songs in an instrument shop.

The music is so solid that Hansard and Irglová won the 2007 Academy Award for Best Original Song with "Falling Slowly," and the Grammy Awards nominated the soundtrack as a whole. Made for a mere $160,000, Once feels much richer—and way more listenable—than musical movies with budgets 100 times that.

Director: Sidney Lumet
Writer: Joel Schumacher
Composer: Charlie Smalls, Nickolas Ashford, Valerie Simpson, Anthony Jackson, Luther Vandross, Quincy Jones
Stars: Diana Ross, Michael Jackson, Nipsey Russell, Ted Ross, Mabel King, Theresa Merritt, Thelma Carpenter, Lena Horne, Richard Pryor

Best known as the movie where Michael Jackson plays a scarecrow, The Wiz is so much more than an "urban" version of The Wizard of Oz, though it certainly is also that. Most notably, though, The Wiz is a fanciful retelling of an American classic, featuring some of the biggest black stars of the time. It's also a whole lot of fun.

Whether it's the upbeat "Ease on Down the Road," which, we're not afraid to say, we prefer to "Follow the Yellow Brick Road," or the choice selection of Richard Pryor as the Wizard, The Wiz is a film you have to see at least once, if only to hear Diana Ross' Dorothy sing "Can I Go On?" No question, The Wiz is a certified classic.

Director: Jim Sharman
Writer: Richard O'Brien, Jim Sharman
Composer: Richard O'Brien, Richard Hartley
Stars: Tim Curry, Susan Sarandon, Barry Bostwick, Richard O'Brien, Patricia Quinn, Nell Campbell, Jonathan Adams, Peter Hinwood, Meat Loaf, Charles Gray

The Rocky Horror Picture Show, based on Richard O'Brien's musical comedy horror stage play, is arguably the most beloved midnight show and cult film of all time. Sometimes it doesn't even feel like a musical, though it's definitely that. There's so much going on that you might not even realize you're singing in the aisles of a theater dressed like a transvestite.

Tim Curry steals the show as Dr. Frank-N-Furter, what with that fishnet get-up and makeup, and young Susan Sarandon is as hot as can be. All of the characters are quirky and delightful, but our favorite is Meat Loaf's Eddie, who enters the movie on a motorcycle, singing like a bat out of hell. The sets, the humor, and the brilliant music bring everything together into an orgasmic counter-cultural stew.

Director: Albert Magnoli
Writer: Albert Magnoli, William Blinn
Composer: Prince
Stars: Prince, Apollonia Kotero, Morris Day, Clarence Williams III, Olga Karlatos

You knew Purple Rain had to make this list. You don't get better cinema than Prince and the Revolution vs. Morris Day and the Time. You also don't get better music than they produced. The soundtrack to this beast of a movie is widely considered to be one of the greatest albums of all time. And we're not just talkin' greatest musical soundtracks, we're talking greatest albums, period.

And how could you not? When you have "When Doves Cry" and "Let's Go Crazy" on your soundtrack, you've got a fine, velvety stew of excellence on your hands. And let's not forget the magnificent title track! You just don't get rock masterpieces like this anymore.

Director: Trey Parker
Writer: Trey Parker, Matt Stone, Pam Brady
Composer: Marc Shaiman
Stars: Trey Parker, Matt Stone, Mary Kay Bergman, Isaac Hayes, George Clooney, Minnie Driver, Dave Foley, Eric Idle, Mike Judge

When the president of the MPAA regrets that he didn't give your movie an NC-17 rating, you know that you have a movie musical that definitely doesn't suck. Taking all of the best elements from the hit Comedy Central show and stretching it out to an 81-minute movie, South Park: Bigger, Longer, and Uncut lived up to its title and then some.

Matt Stone and Trey Parker could have just stuck with giving you a conventional story about the U.S. going to war with Canada because of a Terrance and Phillip movie with too many swear words in it (You know, a typical South Park episode.). But oh no, the comedic geniuses decided they had to satirize Disney and make it a musical to boot.

It doesn't hurt that the musical features extremely singable songs, like the Grammy-nominated number "Blame Canada," and the always charming "Uncle Fucka." Oh, and did we mention that the Satan and Saddam Hussein also star in the movie, and that they are gay lovers? This shit ain't The Phantom of the Opera, that's for sure. It's way better.