Anti-Hipster Cities You Should Move To

Hipsters. In every generation of counter-culture, this demographic of young people are the most reviled for their fake sense of avant garde fashion, pretentious taste in obscure music, weird social hang-ups and style sensibilties, and their beliefs that every single thing they do is unique to them despite it being exactly like what the rest of their friends do in Williamsburg, Austin, Silver Lake, or Portland.

If you're tired of being surrounded by hipsters and their gross liberal-leanings and contributions to society, move to one of these 15 Anti-Hipster Neighborhoods. But try not to brag that you were there before the hipsters moved in ten years later, OK?

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Least hipster feature: Southern hospitality
Least hipster person: Azalea Trail Maids
Least hipster moment: Driving

Tie up your buggy and lock up your shotgun; you're home. Especially if you like humid, hipster-less Southern hospitality courtesy of 'Bama towns like Mobile. Hugging the Gulf, Mobile is close to Pensacola, but without those creamy white sands that bring stray babes from college towns and similar to New Orleans, but without the voodoo priestess jazz vibes that brings all the hepcats and criminals. No, Mobile is a Southern town with no hipster trappings. There's basically no vegan food or dive bars, the Walkscore is only 39, which means it's a car-dependent city that's also a manufacturing-based economy. With no major American college to round out the old people vibes that tend to drift through the Southern states, Mobile is a perfect place for the aging hipster to lay down his laurels and immerse himself in the diverse French, Creole, and Spanish heritage that has made Mobile an epicenter for parades and mysticism. Not the new-fangled drunken party tarot card reading kind, but the full-frontal spiritualism kind that would make any hipster atheist blush.

Least hipster feature: Mat Hoffman Action Sports Park
Least hipster person: Rick Bayless
Least hipster moment: Football culture

Since most hipsters are functioning alcoholics, they'll be going through their blue period if they move to the right-wing enclave that is Oklahoma City. Like many cities along the Bible Belt, Oklahoma City follows the Blue Law which basically puts laws on alcohol (and, inexplicably, car) purchases that would make a hipster's liver tingle with rage. Part of being in the counterculture is subconscious acceptance, and Oklahoma City has another detractor from the indulgent self-pity of the hipster by being considered one of the least liked cities in the country. But with top notch universities, a basketball team with cool name (Thunder!), and a bustling economy, we think Oklahoma City is OK. Just not for hipsters who have something to prove.

Least hipster feature: Threat of nuclear warfare
Least hipster person: Duane Chapman a.k.a. Dog the Bounty Hunter
Least hipster moment: Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman

Are you a lover or a fighter? If you have plans to move to Colorado Springs, you'll have to decide whether being in a city majorly supported by the country's defense industries upsets you. Sure, like the rest of Colorado, Colorado Springs can be a beautiful tourist attraction. It's got gorgeous expanses of mountainsides, moderate weather, and is referred to as "The Springs," thanks to plenty of natural resources. But Colorado Springs is home to NORAD, Air Force Space Command, United States Air Force Academy, Fort Carson, and some Army and Air Force bases. There's also the Olympic training center and ultra-conservative groups like Focus on the Family and New Life Church based out of Colorado Springs, which are all the antithesis of the hyper-intellectual, super-liberal, rebellious, pro-choice ethos of the typical hipster. But, if you're into white water rafting, hardcore hiking, decent median home prices of just under $200,000, hot uniformed military folk, and fresh air, send your non-violent beliefs packing and sit flossy in your open-concept family home near the Rocky Mountains.

Least hipster feature: Violent crime
Least hipster person: Juicy J
Least hipster moment: March of Ducks

It ain't Nashville. Memphis might have the neon-lit buzz of Beale Street and its history as a music city, including Elvis Presley and Graceland, blues greats like B.B. King and Howlin' Wolf, Johnny Cash, and, ummm, Three Six Mafia, but Memphis doesn't have the same cool kid reputation as its highly-lauded neighbor to the right. Cool modern blues rock hipsters like Jack White and Dan Auerbach don't live in Memphis. They live in Nashville. Then there's the whole issue that Memphis was once at the center of many historical civil rights movements, but now capitalizes more on its BBQ and bar scens, which doesn't appeal to the straight-edge hipster demographic at all. Supported by tourism and a meaningful track record, out of all the cool cities in the South, Memphis is floating by on its charm, but not really its good looks. The city was voted both one of the dirtiest in the country and the absolute ugliest in terms of its anti-hipster denizens. Despite looking like they haven't showered in ten plus days, everyone knows that hipsters are just yuppies in the making and non-beautiful things don't appeal to them. Reference: every musician who gives up his dream and becomes a successful graphic designer in his 30s.

Least hipster feature: Good schools
Least hipster person: All the police
Least hipster moment: "Little House on the Prairie"

Basically situated on a desert wasteland flanked by sun-soaked mountains and lots of Native American history, ultra-conservative Simi Valley is the antithesis of the hippie-loving beach vibes that many would equate to California's crunchy surf-babe hipsters. Posh trailer park living is a common thing in Simi Valley, but it's also common knowledge that many of the LAPD's finest reside in some blingin' tract house in Simi. Home to the Ronald Reagan Presidential Library, many Simi Valley residents are white, Republican, truck-driving family people. And, despite being in an area deemed "uncool" by most Los Angeles hipsters, Simi Valley actually has a great school system, lots of cool places to hike, and super-cheap living situations (for California) while still being relatively close to one of the biggest cities in the country. Bonus points: It was found to be one of the happiest places in the United States by University of Vermont researchers.

Least hipster feature: IRL Bears
Least hipster person: Literally everyone
Least hipster moment: Aurora Borealis

Alaska isn't all Inuits, igloos, and death-defying mountain men. The American state that we all love to not remember (thanks to Sarah Palin) has great anti-hipster places like Anchorage to rest your weary coonskin cap in. But if you want health-conscious cuisine, places to catch music, or the ability to walk, ever, exceedingly cold Anchorage is not the place for it. You'll just get beautiful, panoramic views of wildlife, thrilling active volcanoes, and the ability to claim you lived someplace as exotic as Alaska.

Least hipster feature: Near Juarez
Least hipster person: Pancho Villa
Least hipster moment: Texas oilboom

On the border of Texas and Mexico and flanked by Juarez, a city rife with rape and murder, El Paso isn't exactly as dreary as the reports make it out to be, but it's definitely appealing to the common hipster. While some can argue that there is a slight hipster contingent in El Paso, even those people are viewed as outsiders in a fairly conservative and Mexican Catholic community and a huge military presence thanks to Fort Bliss, the DEA, and more. The truth is, in El Paso, hipsters are considered "weak" by the other contingencies like leather-donning rodeo daddies, crusty hardcore punks, and down low cholos. There's no room for the hipster when something more dark and deliberate is happening not behind closed doors, but in the depths of the desert. Like the Neon Desert Music Festival, which is like Coachella only not remotely as hip and obnoxious. El Paso doesn't need pretense; it has street cred.

Least hipster feature: Organized crime
Least hipster person: William H. Calbreath, Cream of Wheat guy
Least hipster moment: Car bombings

Almost smack dab in between Chicago and New York City, Youngstown is not like either of those hipster meccas. Close to the Pennsylvania border, Youngstown was a steel town that graduated into a multi-ethnic, factory-fed community, one so working class that it was name-dropped in a Bruce Springsteen song. Where there are working class people, there are mafioso trying to control the humble citizens. And, after several tragic car bombings during the mid-century, Youngstown was dubbed Murdertown, USA. These gang activities are being quelled by the government, but for many hipsters, this kind of action is the total opposite of how they view an awesome night out on the town. Blood is pricier than Bud and, strangely, it's the latter that goes down smoother in this situation.

Least hipster feature: A street named after Korn
Least hipster person: Korn
Least hipster moment: Local worship of Korn

One thing that doesn't bide well with hipsters is mellow, nondescript monotony, which is basically the modus operandi of Bakersfield. This moderately-populated California city can act as a stand-in for hundreds of cities just like it throughout America. Hipsters flock to meccas of entertainment, but the denizens of Bakersfield are predominantly working class folks who deal in oil, energy, and agriculture. Although once a Native American settlement, there is nothing touristy to draw any outsiders to Bakersfield, even though it is one of the fastest growing cities in California due to its employment opportunities and extremely low median home prices. Although country musicians like Merle Haggard called Bakersfield home and even titled their twangy country style as the "Bakersfield sound," the hot-as-shit city didn't attract many musicians other than nu-metal mainstreamers Korn, who probably got off on the fact that Bakersfield has the worst air in the United States. Possible skin cancer and crappy air hurts the precious, supple, weakling lungs of hipsters, but for those who want to have a chill, normal working-class life, Bakersfield is the place to be.

Least hipster feature: Real life cowboys
Least hipster person: Wild Bill
Least hipster moment: Everything

Where you going, Cowboy? Have an unironic penchant for long sips of spiked coffee in the chill breeze perched in silent isolation on top of your trusty steed? Come to Cheyenne, the land that a beatnik like Jack Kerouac managed to idealize in his works without actually inspiring any of those "angel-headed hipsters" to bring their greasy bearded bongo-playing selves to. Despite rules of commerce, Cheyenne is still as wild, wild west as a city can be with places like the Cowboy Dinner Show and the Butch Cassidy's Outlaw Trail being some of the main forms of entertainment. Well, that and the gorgeous scenery that is unsullied by the wayward drunken hipster who thinks graffiti is art. Kerouac, who was the godfather of hipsters which therefore made him too cool to be an actual hipster, understood that the latent appeal of Wyoming was that it's too wild, free, and ultimately, singular to be a beacon of culture for the trend-loving hipster residents of big cities.

Least hipster feature: Peace and quiet
Least hipster person: Madonna Buder
Least hipster moment: Friday night

Shrouded by the peaceful blanket of green that is the Pacific Northwest, Spokane is tucked almost against the Idaho border. But, Spokane is not the Washington state that people envision when they see chain-smoking, pink-haired grunge dudes in bad '90s movies wandering the rainy streets of Seattle. Once a fur trading post and the site of hunter-gatherers from 8,000 plus years ago, Spokane is lush and historical, with neighborhoods of Victorian country homes and buildings made by old railroad folk. So, why does such a quaint and active city rate low on our hipster meter? One of the major attributes of a hipster-friendly city is bicycle-friendliness and walkability. Spokane only got a 54 and is rated "somewhat walkable." Not only that, the town is low on the must-go-to list for rad bands on tour. A LA Weekly music writer even questioned why any touring band would ever want to play in Spokane. No new music? No hipsters to revel in being the first to know the band. It's science.

Least hipster feature: Tyson Fresh Meats
Least hipster person: Dear Abby
Least hipster moment: Lewis and Clark

Google "hipster" and Sioux City and you get an underwear article and some Yelper's attempt to describe a local pizza joint. But Sioux City lacks all of the public necessities to make it remotely hipster. There's bus lines, but no designated train system and a Walkscore of only 46 which makes it almost impossible for the eco-friendly hipster to navigate without a car, which is hard to afford in a city where the per capita income is less than $20,000. But, if you want to live on the cheap in a place where job growth is going up, cost of living is down, and small business are booming, Sioux City can make your entrepreneurial dreams come true, all while being surrounded by pretty parks and ancient Native American history. Yeah, you might have to give up fancy coffee and seeing local bands who will eventually break, but Sioux City makes up for that in golfing and some casinos.

Least hipster feature: Only one high-rise
Least hipster person: Danielle Fishel
Least hipster moment: Extensive inner-city travel

Like to golf? That's basically all you'll be doing in the mainstream desert enclave that is Mesa. Despite being in the Southwest, Mesa's top employers are Boeing, the schools, and places like Wal-Mart. Lack of opportunity for the creative hipster means that Mesa is a touch too normal for the average hipster. Other than a high Walkscore and lots of basic amenities, Mesa is just one of those many cities in the United States with nothing special to set it apart from the pack. Nothing special means no hipsters. What does that mean for you, hipster hater? It means that if you can stand scorching hot summers trapped in air-conditioned stucco houses watching nothing but Netflix, you've found your new paradise.

Least hipster feature: Non-ironic beards
Least hipster person: James Buchanan
Least hipster moment: Amish buggy rides

Although they may have swiped their fashion cues from this humble demographic, hipsters are nothing like the Amish. They whittle away their time at dive bars instead of whittling away a new crib for their child. They hardly work, which is in contrast to the Amish, whose whole lives revolve around hard work. And most hipsters don't adhere to any moral rules or laws that keep them wholesome, pure, and healthy. The Amish folk that reside around places like Lancaster in Pennsylvania, contributing to places like the Lancaster Quilts and Textile Museum, might not make up the majority of the population in Lancaster, but their presence is felt in everyday activity. And, while Pittsburgh is known for having centers of hipster-friendly culture and colleges that draw lots of young people, Lancaster is mostly a working class town where regular folks can live in a bipartisan, diverse community and raise their families amongst both history and an overall lack of mustachioed progressives trying to fake a culture.

Least hipster feature: LDS Missionary Training Center
Least hipster person: The Osmonds
Least hipster moment: America's Freedom Festival

Surrounded by snow-capped mountains in the winter and long expanses of wildflowers in the spring, Provo is undoubtedly beautiful, but the ultra-conservative town has little to offer the grungy, Pabst-swilling artists mostly because there is nothing ironic about Provo. This highly-religious city is built upon the principles of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. In fact, 98% of the population is LDS with the third-largest private university, Brigham Young University, requiring students to abstain from two of hipsters favorite activities: drinking and sex. Since most hipster cities are based on the privileged hedonism of the artistic middle-class and Provo’s median household income is about $20,000 less than that of most cities in Utah, it’s not like some Trustafarian kids are inspired to lay down their one-of-a-kind blown-glass bongs in Mormanland, either. Which is why the city might be perfect for a young, conservative entrepreneur looking to make money their way and raise a family. Forbes recently rated Utah second in on its list of Best Places For Businesses and Careers, and Provo is the third city in the United States to be getting the much-coveted Google Fiber roll-out. It was also voted one of the most optimistic areas in the United States. Have you ever met a happy hipster? We didn't think so.