The 10 Best Strip Clubs and Brothels in Video Games

There are few things better than an evening out with the guys at your local strip joint—or, if you prefer, an evening spent at home in your favorite virtual one.

Games have become increasingly…mature over the past decade. If you consider digital boobies in your face mature, that is.

Of course, over-sexualization of women is a problem, but as long as ya'll keep buyin'em, they're going to keep making them. And as long as they keep making them, we're going to keep writing lists about them.

Is there a virtual burlesque that we neglected to mention? let us know in the comments or on Twitter.

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The Garden of Eden (also known as the Cat House) in Mafia 2 is unrivaled when it comes to pure class. The rich and powerful underworld kingpins frequent the place almost as much as Vito and Joe (at our behest as player, of course).

There may not be much actual stripping, but the authenticity to the period—as with the rest of Mafia 2—gives it points in our book.

Silent Hill might not have much in the way of entertainment (unless you count running from a deranged, metal-headed mongoloid who wants to do bad things to you), but it does have the spookiest strip joint this side of Hell. And the other side, as well.

One of the scariest things about Heaven's Night is that there aren't even any strippers there (though it's implied that Maria is one, you never actually get to witness that), meaning you literally just paid a $25 cover for nothing.

Chataya's place in King's Landing is reserved for the very rich and the very indebted, and the girls there are top-notch. The game's protagonists, Mors and Alester, have their own reasons for not plucking Chataya's fruits, but that doesn't mean they can't take in the sights when they're in town.

Just make sure you don't mess with Chataya, or Littlefinger might come calling—with a dagger in your back.

The dancers at this unnamed bar at the beginning of Duke Nukem 3D didn't have it easy. As if having to strip down to boobie-tassles for the amusement of a misogynistic pig like the King wasn't bad enough, these poor girls hardly had any pixels to work with.

And yet they managed to pull it off and stir something deep in our adolescent loins anyway—until they inevitably got blown up by an alien invasion or arrested by the pigs, that is. Hey, at least they got good tips.

Brazil is not a kind place for poor old Max, who's spent most of his life ensconced in the grimy underworld of New York City. Okay, so NY wasn't much better for the guy, but at least this shit never happened to him.

All Max wanted was to take in a show, walk in on some strangers engaged in random sexual acts, and go home and cry himself to sleep. Instead, he found himself perpetrating yet another gory bloodbath. And for what?

Niko Bellic didn't get to take a lot of breaks on his decades-long quest for vengeance. Okay, that's totally a lie. He went out drinking and playing darts with his cousin almost as much as he committed the eponymous crime of grand theft auto and simply went for a murderous joyride.

It would be a hell of a missed opportunity if GTA IV was all work and no play with a city that detailed, just as it would be a shame if the game didn't include some sleazy place at which Niko could get his rocks off. A place like the Triangle Club. Of course, given GTA IV's generally hideous character models and animations, the club's private dances weren't really that enticing to anyone other than Niko, whose standards, admittedly, aren't very high.

In a galaxy as huge as Mass Effect's there are bound to be hundreds of places to get some cheap thrills, but no cheap thrills are classier than those found in Chora's Den on the Citadel.

It's no secret that the Asari are basically the sex goddesses of Mass Effect's universe, despite the well-known fact that they're technically hermaphrodites—they can have sex with literally anyone and anything, regardless of species or gender. Whatever—we're not down with discrimination anyway, and you'll realize none of that matters as soon as one of the blue-skinned beauties is gyrating in Commander Shepard's lap at Chora's.

As a mid-century open-world game set in Paris, The Saboteur may have been a little too ambitious for its own good. But if you're only in it for the "entertainment," then it's hard to beat the game's Parisian Burlesque House.

Provided you bought the game new (or were willing to pony up some extra dough), the game would get even more realistic—meaning the girls would take their tops off. There's not a single person in the world who experienced that and didn't feel just a little creepy, but that brief moment of regret was well worth the several minutes of enjoyment provided by their saucy dance.

The girls down at Desele's in Suran might not be the most talented dancers out there, and their textures might not be especially crisp. Hell, they're not very bright, either. But damned if that moon sugar doesn't get the Nerevarine fucked up good.

And we all know what happens in that locked room upstairs—the one dominated by the single bed and the moody red lantern.

Hideo Kojima's career didn't begin with Metal Gear Solid. No, in 1988—a decade before the release of the first MGS—he released his second game, Snatcher, and created in it one of the original video game strip clubs. More importantly, he designed one of the most luscious video game strippers to work there.

Outer Heaven later lent its name to several institutions in the Metal Gear Solid series, but we'll always remember the version in Snatcher most fondly. That has a lot to do with Isabella, the only cartoon redhead we've ever loved more than Jessica Rabbit. Just don't get too inquisitive with her, or the manager will give you the boot (making it one of the most realistic virtual strip clubs as well).