The Most Improbable Hookups on "Scandal"

Considering a gay dude serves as Chief of Staff for a Republican president and the former Black woman who used to work for his campaign is actually likeable, you don’t need to convince most Scandal viewers that the political drama doesn’t offer the most realistic depiction of Washington’s political elite.

Still, when it comes to one of the biggest draws—sex—farcicality gets pushed to the brink. To that end, here’s a breakdown of the most improbable hookups on Scandal—so far.

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Written by Michael Arceneaux (@youngsinick)

When: "Happy Birthday, Mr. President" (Episode 8, Season 2)

President Fitz forces the Secret Service to bring his cherished sidepiece to Camp David, where he tells her to “shut up” while throwing hunting boots on her. He continues to fuss at her for how she runs her business before ultimately pinning her against a tree for some boning. Right in front of his armed guards. Be still my heart.

When: "A Criminal, a Whore, an Idiot and a Liar" (Episode 11, Season 2)

In a flashback scene, Olivia and Fitz managed to have sex on the damn campaign trail. Where was his wife? Not to mention, who knew Republicans had this much sex? Straight ones, anyway.

Side note: Olivia must use the best birth control ever. It’s nice to know someone really took Left Eye’s lessons about condom use to heart.

When: "A Woman Scorned" (Episode 20, Season 2)

How is the leader of the most powerful nation on the planet always able to make an appearance at a D.C. apartment building without being spotted and put on full blast? After you solve that riddle, try solving the biggest mystery about white collar Joseline and Stevie J’s steamy shower hookup: Where was that Black woman’s shower cap?

When: "Sweet Baby" (Episode 1, Season 1)

The premiere episode of Scandal concluded with viewers discovering that President Grant and Olivia Pope are having an affair. Grant wouldn’t be the first president to cheat on his spouse, but pushing Olivia against the wall of the Oval Office to get out of sight from security cameras? Then being caught by his chief of staff. Really? Does that sound plausible to you? Oh shut up, former President Clinton, no one asked you.

When: "The Trail" (Episode 6, Season 1)

What do President Fitz, Kim Kardashian, and allegedly Bobby Valentino have in common? They all record their sexual romps. I can believe the “cheating on your mistress with your girlfriend” angle, but I can’t see the leader of the free word freely boning on camera – or better yet, I refuse to.

When: "Whiskey Tango Foxtrot" (Episode 14, Season 2)

As two men celebrate the baptism of their baby, the president snatches his on again, off again mistress into this neon-lit closet. She smacks him, then succumbs to her desires—again, in an electrical closet. ‘Cause you know, that’s the way love goes.

When: "Whiskey Tango Foxtrot" (Episode 14, Season 2)

Technically, this wasn’t a hookup, considering when First Lady Mellie Grant offered her services to President Grant in the shower, he declined her offer. But, well, isn’t that what makes it so improbable? Who turns down head?

To quote the great Nicki Minaj: “Fuck I look like/Turning down some head? I mean, that’s sorta like a bird/Turning down some bread.”

When: Season 1 and 2

Technically, this isn’t a hookup—which is exactly what makes it so improbable. All of the other gladiators have had sex on the show, even socially awkward, PTSD-addled Huck. When is Harrison going to get to smash somebody, Shonda? It’s not like Columbus Short isn’t used to banging co-workers.

Oh, hey, Britney Spears!