The 10 Worst TV Shows Of 2012 (So Far)

Just because the 10 worst movies of 2012 (so far) have been properly eviscerated, that doesn’t mean the world is now cleansed and freed from their awfulness. Give it a few months before any one of those films starts airing nonstop on Showtime, HBO, Starz, or whichever other cable TV network that’s not discerning enough to ignore them. The point being, the year’s worst movies will remain in the public consciousness, in however limited a scope.

But the most inferior television programs? Save for a couple that have sadly received new series renewals, the bulk of the inclusions on our list of The 10 Worst TV Shows Of 2012 (So Far) will quickly disappear from the pop culture lexicon thanks to justifiable cancellations. Think about it, if it weren’t for us mentioning them here, would anyone remember forgotten flops from 2011 like How to be a Gentleman, Man Up!, or Free Agents? Of course not.

Written by Matt Barone (@MBarone) and Tanya Ghahremani (@tanyaghahremani)

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Stars: Sarah Jones, Jorge Garcia, Sam Neill, Parminder Nagra, Jonny Coyne, Robert Forster

There was a great show lurking somewhere within the confined walls of Alcatraz, one that could have wowed viewers with a combined force of Lost’s puzzling mythology and Fringe’s lean, mean character work. Unfortunately, and unlike those other two J.J. Abrams-produced shows, Alcatraz went up to bat with an 0-2 count—the strikes being Sarah Jones’ unconvincing San Francisco detective character and Lost alum Jorge Garcia’s stereotypically nerdy Comic-Con regular of a doctor.

With their two weakly written leads, series creators Elizabeth Sarnoff, Steven Lilien, and Bryan Wynbrandt never stood a chance at drawing us into their admittedly intriguing world of time travel, supernatural mysteries, and cryptic history lessons.

The basic set-up, that of the infamous jail’s prisoners turning up one by one after disappearing in 1963, baited Alcatraz’s writers into spending too much time delivering a case-of-the-week program, foolishly parceling out reveals and information as a way to construct a series that’d need three or four seasons to truly congeal. The show’s cancellation, after only 13 episodes, burdened viewers with just as many questions as complaints.

Stars: Don Cheadle, Kristen Bell, Ben Schwartz, Josh Lawson, Dawn Olivieri, Glynn Turman

Entering the year, Showtime’s House of Lies had all the potential in the world. Its cast, which includes Don Cheadle, Kristen Bell, and Parks and Recreation breakout Ben Schwartz, is top-shelf, and the subject matter, concerning a group of cutthroat management consultants, promised tons of R-rated, cable television promiscuity.

Playing a wholly shallow antihero, Cheadle fully commits, yet, only being human, is unable to generate much compassion, and that’s the overall problem with House of Lies: On top of its dull comedy, and in lieu of the strong actors behind them, the show’s inherently unfeeling characters leave us cold. How the show’s writers manage to freeze a hottie like Kristen Bell in that way is negatively impressive.

Stars: Mirielle Enos, Joel Kinnaman, Billy Campbell, Brent Sexton, Michelle Forbes, Eric Ladin, Kristen Lehman, Jamie Anne Allman

Yes, The Killing’s creator, Veena Sud, and her colleagues provided the answer to the question (“Who killed Rosie Larsen?”) that went unattended to during last year’s much reviled season finale. The problem is, though, that, even if the murdered turned out to be that SyFy channel staple Megashark (and who doesn’t love that monster?), intelligent viewers would’ve still lambasted The Killing for its ham-fisted, ultimately unsatisfying second season, especially since the show’s latest 13-episode run was at times excellent.

Every one of those “excellent” times, of course, should be credited to stars Mirielle Enos and Joel Kinnaman, who, as detectives Linden and Holder, respectively, both gave Emmy-nomination-worthy performances. Which is why a series cancellation would be the best thing to happen to them—Enos and Kinnaman deserve so much better.

They’re deserving of a project that doesn’t insert random, unjustified character motivations (see: Aunt Terry’s involvement in the crime) and incriminating evidence (that damn key card) at its own convenience. What killed The Killing? Collective laziness in the writers’ room.

Was there ever a reality show more scripted than Kourtney and Kim Take New York? Other than Jersey Shore? Yeah, that's what we thought. Kourtney and Kim was one of the twenty million (OK, four) spin-offs spawned from E!'s flagship series, Keeping Up With the Kardashians, and it featured the two sisters as they "took" New York by opening a D-A-S-H location in Soho. They're accompanied by their respective hubbies at the time, Scott Disick and Kris Humphries, and the series often featured guest appearances from other Kardashians like Kris Jenner and Khloe.

Though the series was supposed to be about the so-called drama and so-called work that the two sisters were putting in to opening a new location of their "family run" store in NYC, much of the drama from this past season ended up being derived from the strained new marriage between Kim and Kris, who ended up divorcing by the end of the season.

Not only did the showcasing of their so-called "marital problems" seem ridiculously set-up. One example of a fight: After telling Kourtney that she wants to stop taking her birth control because she "finished her birth control today, and I think that's a sign I should stop taking it," Kim gets into a fight with Kris about her fame, things that probably should have been discussed before the gigantic televised wedding.

Plotlines like Scott purchasing a piano and teaching himself how to play "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star" filled up the rest of the allotted episode times. Oh well, they tried.

Stars: Kat Dennings, Beth Behrs, Garrett Morris, Jonathan Kite, Matthew Moy, Jennifer Coolidge, Nick Zano, Brooke Lyons

Clearly we’re fans of Kat Dennings around here, which is why it pains us to chastise her new hit sitcom 2 Broke Girls, but sometimes one has to call a spade a spade. Or, in this case, a forced, obnoxious compendium of obvious sexual puns and racial jokes just that.

It’s no slight toward Dennings or her co-star, the comically gifted Beth Behrs—together, the show’s leading ladies justify our incessant need to watch every episode. They’re often able to sell the most insufferable of punch lines with goofy charm (Behrs) and sexy arrogance (Dennings), but the same can’t be said for their co-stars, or the writing staff responsible for repeatedly using the subject of rape as comedic fodder.

Stars: Laura Prepon, Jake McDorman, Lauren Lapkus, Chelsea Handler, Natasha Leggero, Lenny Clarke, Ali Wong, Mark Povinelli

Somebody needs to give Laura Prepon good material, because the former That '70s Show actress definitely has what it takes to hold down a headlining star role on a sitcom. But she’s not Wonder Woman, and Are You There, Chelsea?, NBC’s resounding disappointment from executive producer Chelsea Handler, just dragged Prepon down with it.

Based on Handler’s non-fiction book, Are You There, Vodka? It’s Me, Chelsea, the show followed a boozing waitress (Prepon) who favors random sex over advancing her life in any significant ways. Given such an unsympathetic character, Prepon came across as loathsome, not emphatic, and Are You There, Chelsea? never seemed interested in making viewers care about her. Add on to that the weekly barrage of abrasively mean-spirited one-liners and you had a sitcom even less likeable than Whitney. Ouch.

Stars: Katharine McPhee, Debra Messing, Anjelica Huston, Jack Davenport, Megan Hilty, Christian Borle, Raza Jaffrey, Jaime Cepero

Back in early February, when NBC premiered the highly anticipated Broadway musical drama series Smash, the critics were all hot and bothered—in the best way possible—about the pilot, lavishing it with praise. So curiosity was piqued, and, yes, the first episode was quite enjoyable, driven by a rousing climax and a potential star-is-born performance from Katharine McPhee.

So what the hell happened? Faster than the producers could say “We’re not a Glee rip-off,” Smash degenerated into an amalgamation of overly melodramatic acting, annoying characters, and conflicts transpiring with all the emotional resonance of an iCarly episode. Smash will return for a second season at the top of 2013, but will its viewership? Count those of us around these parts out.

It's no secret that the spell this show cast over the world in 2009 has been broken for some time now. As the drama and fights have gone stale over time, so have the ratings. Last season, the show's fifth, saw a significant decline in viewers of the series for the first time since it premiered. Though the numbers are still high, especially for a cable network, it's still never a good sign when people start changing the channel.

We can't blame them, though. While the fourth season was bad, the fifth season was just one entirely boring clusterfuck. Snooki seemed to have toned down her crazy in an effort to keep then-boyfriend and current-fiancé/babydaddy Jionni happy; Deena spent most of the time complaining about how she's the only single one in the house anymore and making weird noises like "merrr" to convey her grievances; Vinny took off for a few episodes to "recoupe" which really just means that the producers felt the episodes were getting a little too boring so they decided to inject some pointless drama into the mix even though it's obvious he's under contract; and The Situation was so obsessed with making everyone believe that Snooki had cheated on Jionni with him that we began to worry for his sanity.

Never thought we'd say this, but it all sort of made us miss the days of Angelina a little bit.

Stars: Jon Cryer, Ashton Kutcher, Angus T. Jones, Conchata Ferrell, Marin Hinkle, Holland Taylor, Sophie Winkleman, Judy Greer, Courtney Thorne-Smith

In its first two episodes, Charlie Sheen’s comeback series, on FX, Anger Management, looks and feels as if his Two and a Half Men character moved to a new city and began a career as a therapist. And, wouldn’t you know it, Sheen is the best thing about the show—he strains, admirably at that, to make the marginally humorous jokes work. It’s enough to leave us wishing he’d return to Two and a Half Men.

Especially since Ashton Kutcher, his replacement on the hit CBS sitcom, is mostly a bland straight man, exactly what Two and a Half Men didn’t need. There’s already Jon Cryer to fill that role, and, when paired with Sheen, Cryer’s Tony Randall to Sheen’s Jack Klugman gave their odd couple set-up ample room for a combustible chemistry. Cryer’s rapport with Kutcher, on the other hand, is equivalent to two wet sticks trying to make fire.

Stars: Rob Schneider, Cheech Marin, Claudia Bassois, Diana Maria Riva, Eugenio Derbez, Lupe Ontiveros

Frankly, it’s a shock that Rob even lasted eight episodes—smart money would’ve been on a three-ep run, a la NBC’s similarly canned The Playboy Club. That’s nothing to be proud of, though; with nary a genuine laugh to give or any racially sensitive concerns, the perpetually unfunny Rob Schneider’s fish-out-of-water sitcom flopped around like a dying trout—or maybe that best describes the viewers’ reactions.

Keeping up his trademark buffoonery at the expense of every ethnic type in any given census report, Schneider targeted Mexicans in Rob, playing a tool with OCD who marries into a Mexican-American family, overseen by the shameless Cheech Marin. Cue the onslaught of stereotypes and obvious look-at-the-white-guy punch lines. And the ringing of Adam Sandler’s iPhone as Schneider calls him to beg for a role in the next Happy Madison production.