Watching the Throne: And You Thought Ned Stark's Death Was Traumatic (A "Game of Thrones" Recap)

Still need a minute to recuperate from last night's Game of Thrones episode? Sheesh, we sure as hell do. The only GoT who aren't currently suffering from PTSD are those who've read George R. R. Martin's A Song of Fire and Ice novels and knew all about the infamous "Red Wedding" long before plopping down on their couches to watch "The Rains of Castamere," the third season's realest, rawest, and most rugged hour yet—and we're pretty sure next week's season finale won't change its standing.

For anyone who hasn't read Martin's books, however, "The Rains of Castamere" basically took the first season's Ned-Stark-gets-decapitated gut-puncher of an episode, "Baelor," and ups the emotional trauma tenfold. It's an R.I.P. affair for three of Game of Thrones' prominent players, none of whom we'll name here in this intro space, just in case there are any casual readers out there who've yet to watch the episode. If that describes you, here's some advice: Sign off the Internet and on-demand that shit, pronto. Also, stay away from Twitter, Facebook, and any other website that's Google accessible, frankly—experience the final 10 minutes of "The Rains of Castamere" for yourselves, freshly and devoid of any prior knowledge.

What can be said here, though, is that, including the aforementioned "Red Wedding" business, the season's ninth installment was heavy on the action and light on the happiness. On the Jon Snow front, his time spent within the Wildlings camp comes to an end, thanks to his inability to kill an innocent horse breeder in front of them, and, you know, the fact that he murders Orell (confirming his suspicions that Jon's not really trying to be down, saying, "You were right the whole time," before terminating Orell). Bran, meanwhile discovers his ability to mentally control animals, getting two direwolves (including Jon's own) to attack the Wildlings and prevent he and his traveling companions from being found. Arya stops The Hound from butchering an old wagon-pushing man and tells Sir Hound that one day she's going to ram a sword through his eye while they're en route to Walder Frey's home to drop in on her Uncle Edmure's wedding with one of Frey's seeds.

As for the rest of the episode's highlights, let's get right into all of the nitty, gritty, death-riddled details with this week's edition of Watching the Throne, focusing on Daenerys and Robb (Tyrion, Jaime, Cersei, and Tywin are nowhere to be seen in "The Rains of Castamere"). One of whom, unfortunately, won't ever make it to the Iron Throne.

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Written by Matt Barone (@MBarone)

"The Rains of Castamere" will forever be remembered and revered for its bleakness and body count. Aside from Daenerys, nobody leaves the episode unscathed in some way. Jon Snow flees from his redheaded cut-buddy Ygritte after nearly being pecked to death by Orell's pissed-off eagle; Bran has to send his little brother, Rickon, off with Wildling turned Bran's protector Osha; and Arya loses damn near all of her family.

But is anyone really all that surprised to see Dany's season 3 winning streak continue? As our fresh GIF gallery confirms, she's the show's resident badass at the moment, having the most success here on Watching the Throne—she's been given a crown after every one of her featured episodes this year.

In "The Rains of Castamere," Daenerys doesn't even have to get off her sexy ass to run shit. She leaves the heavy lifting to her new enforcer, pretty-boy warrior Daario, Ser Jorah, and the Unsullied leader Grey Worm. Ready to help his new commander (and potential sex partner, if he plays his cards right) overtake the city of Yunkai, Daario explains the city's weakness to Dany: There's a back gate through which he and a couple fellow sword-carriers can sneak into, kill a few guards, and open the front gate for Dany to walk in and claim Yunkai as her new property. He also cleverly impresses Dany by stating his feelings toward slaves: "I have no interest in slaves—a man cannot make love to a property." You can practically see Dany's heart melting.

Just as you can see the fumes radiating from Ser Jorah's jealous head. He doesn't hate Daario for long, though. Inside Yunkai, Daario justifies his place within Dany's team by cutting down several guards and armed combatants. Under his new colleague's lead, Ser Jorah serves Daenerys well, ultimately capturing Yunkai for her, though—based on how she asks about Daario's condition after Ser Jorah and Grey Worm return to her chambers all bloody and battered, but at least alive and with news of their success—she's much too smitten by her newest underling to acknowledge Jorah's accomplishment. A Daario-vs-Jorah smackdown seems imminent. Probably after a Daenerys and Daario smack backs.

Robb Stark just wanted to make his father proud. Unfortunately for him, Robb's story played out much too similarly to Poppa Ned's.

It's the scene that Game of Thrones creators David Benioff and D.B. Weiss alluded to before season 3 began, stating in interviews that it'll leave viewers floored with an even greater force than what happened when Ned got beheaded midway through the first season. And they weren't kidding.

At first, though, things aren't so bad for Robb, Catelyn, and Talisa, all of whom are at Walder Frey's castle, the Twins, to watch Edmure marry one of Frey's daughters—which, of course, Robb was originally supposed to do, before he basically defecated on the deal made between Walder and Catelyn, one that would've brought a king into the Frey fold. Now, though, Walder will only have a king's uncle. As for Edmure, he's none too pleased to see that all of Walder's daughters and granddaughters are, well…Let's just say, in the spirit of not sounding like superficial pigs, a smidge on the unattractive side.

None of them are nearly as stunningly beautiful as Talisa, and Walder let's Robb and everyone else in the room with them know it. He calls Talisa forward, so he can get a better, closer look at her, and he likes what he sees. The candid, disrespectful elder gent makes a string of unsubtle remarks about Talisa's healthy physique, saying how when she takes her dress off, nothing moves, drops, or sags, and calling Robb out directly, saying the king didn't diss him for "love," but, rather, "firm tits and a tight fit," adding, "When I was your age I would have broken 50 oaths to get into that without a second thought." The man's got spunk.

If Robb weren't trying to align himself with Walder's army, he'd surely slap the smugness right off of Mr. Frey's condescending face, but, alas, he has to play nice. As does Edmure, even though his reaction to Walder's comment about how none of his daughters rivals Talisa in the beauty department makes it crystal clear that he'd love to see what's under the king's lady's dress himself. Much to Edmure's delight, however, the daughter he ends up marrying, Roslin, is a legitimate cutie—apparently Walder kept her hidden earlier in the day. The wedding itself goes smoothly, leading into the traditional "bedding" ceremony, during which everyone carries the just-married bride and groom off to their sleeping quarters so that they can consummate the union. And, who knows, perhaps even produce a baby inside Rosalind, just like Robb did to Talisa.

Talisa tells Robb that she wants to name their child, if it's a boy, Eddard, after Ned. Robb's joy is evident, in a touching, heartfelt, and endearingly romantic moment that, unbeknownst to either party, is the beginning of the end. Little Eddard isn't going to see outside of Talisa's womb.

With Edmure and Rosalind gone, Walder's men close the wedding room's humongous doors, signaling funeral-procession-like music that tips Catelyn off to what's about to happen. Before Catelyn can properly warn her son, though, Walder's men give Robb and his loved a "wedding gift" for betraying his honor: One of Walder's minions walks up behind a seated Talisa and stabs her baby-housing belly with the verve of Jason Voorhees, other minions fire arrows into Robb and Catelyn from the balcony, and the rest of Robb's troops get brutally slaughtered.

Lesson learned: Never fuck with Lord Walder Frey. By betraying his promise to marry one of Frey's girls, Robb buried both himself and his army's chances at survival, let alone victory. The Freys, once considered Stark allies, now ride for Team Lannister, all because Robb fell in love with the equally doomed Talisa.

Knowing that he's about to die, Catelyn makes one final plea for Robb's life, saying that the Starks will forget any of this ever happened, that no grudges will be held. Per Frey, ""You already swore me one oath right here in this castle." Roose Bolton then drives the finalizing dagger into Robb's chest, right before a prolonged, knockout punch that's not dissimilar to the closing image from 2011's underrated Spanish home invasion shocker Kidnapped (rent that ASAP): Catelyn stands there, facing the camera, riddled with grief, when, just from outside of the frame, someone walks up, slices her neck clean open, and exits stage left. Then, the screen fades to black, and the lack of music accompanying the episode's closing credits heightens the morbid impact.

Worst of all, Arya is outside and aware of what's happening, just like she was nearby when daddy Ned got his head lopped off. Young Bran Stark better pray that Arya stays the hell away from him—she's the Stark family's inadvertent Grim Reaper.

Take a good look at the above picture of poor Robb Stark—that's the last we'll be seeing of it here on Watching the Throne. Will we miss him terribly? Not so much, mainly because actor Richard Madden never brought much to the character outside of a steely presence that, more often than not, registered as blandness. Still, Robb is (well, was) a major piece to the show's overall puzzle, and eliminating him will have drastic ramifications.

And you can blame (or credit) that on one devious, sadistic, and not-to-be-fucked-with man...

Does Walder Frey really deserve a crown here? After all, we're talking about the guy who just executed three of the show's key characters (in addition to countless other anonymous ones). The answer: absolutely. In his own sick and twisted way, Walder proved himself to be a man of honor, one who lives by a code, sticks to those morals, and has no time for compassion or forgiveness. Break an arrangement with him and pay with your life.

Robb, Catelyn, and Talisa were dead the second Robb decided to venture to the Twins. In the end, King Robb underestimated Walder's inner darkness, thinking a simple, "Sorry, sir," would remedy his betrayal. Not anticipating, sadly, that Walder is the kind of person who'll allow a wounded Catelyn to slit his wife's throat rather than let Robb live. As Walder puts it, about his better half's fate, "I'll find another."

If this is the last we've seen of Walder Frey on Game of Thrones this season, he's certainly left his mark. Perverted, crass, and proudly evil—he's basically Joffrey Baratheon in 70-or-so years. Except, you know, minus that insufferable sense of entitlement that makes you want to serve Joffrey's mug a backhand.

Physically, Tywin's M.I.A. throughout "The Rains of Castamere," but it's safe to say that he's the orchestrator of that nightmarish "Red Wedding." Well, if not the full-on orchestrator, he's at least involved enough to have Roose Bolton pepper Robb's final seconds breathing with, "The Lannisters send their regards."

As if there were any doubt beforehand, Tywin is the best tactical mastermind operating within the Seven Kingdoms, much more so than the strategically unfit Robb. Presumably, he was clever enough to swoop in and align himself with Walder Frey once word broke out about Robb's decision to marry Talisa, not one of Walder's offspring. As always, he was multiple steps ahead of the Stark leaders.

Another Lannister/Stark observation: Once Sansa finds out about her brother's demise, there won't be a chance in hell that she'll ever give Tyrion some marital loving. Instant deal-breaker.