Watching the Throne: The Lannister Wedding Crashers Edition (A "Game of Thrones" Recap)

Good morrow to all you Westerosians, Westerosites, Westeronis, whatever you all call yourselves. Allow me to introduce myself. Brenden Gallagher here, filling in for your boy Matthew of House Barone while he is off in Sin City. It is our sincerest hope that Matthew Barone-theon's time in Vegas resembles Tyrion’s wedding night very little and Gendry’s night with everyone’s favorite crazy naked priestess Melisandre even less. Matt, if you are reading this, heed my words: If you meet a lady in Vegas and she asks you to “Come fight death” with her, get out of that suite, even if she has lovely red locks flowing down to her pale bare booty and wants to get nasty on a novelty size Risk board.

With only two episodes left in the season after last night, you probably know how this goes by now. We are going to hand out crowns to those Lannisters and Starks (mostly Lannisters, but you expected that by now) that made power moves in Episode 8. If anyone made Theon Greyjoy look smart this week, no crown for them. Before we jump into our crown-based power rankings, let’s round-up the non-power players on this week’s show.

The action this week, in the episode title "Second Sons," was unusually focused, limited to three plot lines book-ended by some quick scenes to move story along. Arya thought better of busting up the Hound’s already busted face, while Sam and his girl picked out baby names / partook in some zombie killing. The rest of the action featured two of our favorite naked mystical gals, Daenerys and Melisandre, and one young lady who we’re really glad wasn’t forced to get naked because things are already bad enough for her already, your girl Sansa Stark. As per usual, Sansa was made all the more miserable by Lannisters and Tyrells, though she found an unlikely ally in Tyrion, who was kind enough not to force himself on her. Okay, so that's not exactly ideal chivalry, but in King's Landing, you have to take what you can get.

Remember,Game of Thrones takes next weekend off so you can watch Matt Damon and Michael Douglas in the Liberace biopic, Behind the Candelabra. There will be no need to Watch the Throne for that one because your boy Liberace has that shit sewn up from the first minute. Heavy is the head that wears the sequins crown.

Without further ado, let’s dole out some crowns as we Watch the Throne.

RELATED: Everything You Need to Know to Watch Season 3 of Game of Thrones, in GIFs

Written by Brenden Gallagher (@muddycreekU)

It is pretty clear who wears the pants in the Stannis / Melisandre relationship. Have you noticed how Melisandre conveniently works sex into pretty much every "ritual" she gets involved with? "Oh no, honey, I have to tear his clothes off and hit it before I put the leeches on or it won't work." "Okay honey, I trust you." Damn. We don't blame Stannis for lacking the stones to stand up to Melisandre. If a lady says shit like, "I've slaughtered many lambs and none have seen the blade," we're likely to respond with a "Okay honey, well, I'll be in the den watching the game if you need anything. Have fun."

Stannis reaches whole new levels of weak when he goes down to the dungeon to seek solace from Davos while the Onion Knight is trying to learn how to read. Stannis is all "I'm sorry about your son," and "So, I'm debating whether or not to kill my nephew." In short order, they are two Bud Lights shy of a commercial about how sometimes you just have to have some male bonding time. Then Davos ruins the bromance with a classic Davos moment when he quips, "You could have freed me yesterday or tomorrow. But you came to me know before this boy is put to the knife because you knew I'd counsel restraint." Real talk.

It's hard to imagine Stannis being king of anything.

One rule of thumb we have here at Watch the Throne is if you try for a rape joke, no crown for you. As if Sansa's wedding night isn't already bad enough with a drunken, miserable Tyrion at her side, Joffrey sidles up next to her and says, "I suppose it doesn't matter what Lannister puts the baby into you." Every week, we think we couldn't hate him any more and every week he puts on a clinic in douchbaggery that the cast of The Jersey Shore would envy.

As per usual, this is just one of the terrible things that Joffrey does this week. His stealing Tyrion's stool is a stunt straight out of the Little Rascals eye-in-the-tail-pipe playbook, except without the aww shucks charm. Then he tries to come at Tyrion again at the banquet and gets owned even though the Imp is so drunk he can't avoid running into tables.

The only positive thing we can say for Joffrey is that the foppish malevolent sociopath didn't kill anyone this week. We maintain our standards here while watching the Throne: we don't give out crowns just for managing not to kill someone in cold blood.

Throwing shade was a full-time job for Cersei this week. All is not well in the uneasy Tyrell-Lannister alliance, and Cersei is not afraid to give a Tyrell a piece of her mind. From Cersei's first line of the week, "Radiant, why radiant?" we know that Cersei is in no mood to be trifled with. After Margaery tries to engage in a little sisterly bonding, she paints the Dutchess a poetic picture of social climbing families hanging from the gates of Casterly Rock. Just in case Marge had a little bit of music in her ears and didn't hear what Cersei was trying to communicate, she leaves her with, "You call me sister again, I'll have you strangled in your sleep."

Cersei proceeds to keep it in the family. Loras, the Tyrell batting for the other team, tries to share a moment with her at the wedding banquet and quickly regrets it. He struts up to her while she is looking out at the sea and brooding and says, "My father once told me ..." Cersei cuts him off with, "Nobody cares what your father once told you." Even the Knight's Watch north of the Wall would tell you that's cold. Winter is here, dawg.

One of the greatest pleasures of this season so far has been watching Cersei go from boss to pawn as Tywin has made his presence felt at King's Landing. Lena Heady's performance has been phenomenal week in and week out, even when she has very little to do. Her portrayal of Cersei as a newly caged lioness has been a joy to watch. She may be down, but this week she let us know that she is not out, and gets a crown for her troubles.

We've seen Daenerys handle herself capably. The girl can fight, negotiate, seduce, and even make some magic happen as needed. This week we found out that Dragon Mama can do nothing and still win. Things began for Dany the way they usually do these days: some macho jerk-off says crude things to her and we think to ourselves, "Damn dude, haven't you heard through the grapevine that you shouldn't say things like that?" This week's group of chauvinists marked for death are the leaders of the Second Sons, a group of badass mercenaries who split their time between killing people and slapping asses of slave girls without permission.

Here we are expecting ol' girl to release some dragons or send some Unsullied in there to get sullied. Instead, mi lady takes a bath. It turns out that a bath in the world's smallest tub is actually the right move (Seriously, the Mother of Dragons can't afford a bigger tub? It looks like it was left over from the hardware store on Deadwood). Daario Naharis, with the looks of a young Fabio and the gender politics of a Woman's Studies major, falls hard for Daenerys. He falls so hard that he beheads two of his cohorts and sneaks in to tell Daenerys while she's bathing.

Daenerys gives him a peek of some full-frontal and it looks like we might have a warrior to fill Khal Drogo's sizable equestrian loafers. The lady gets a crown and doesn't even have to do a damn thing to earn it.

How am I not going to crown a man on his own wedding night? Tyrion turns the most degrading moment of his life into a solid performance in this episode. Even though we doubt he is ever going to seduce Sansa Stark, he wins our hearts yet again when he muses early on, "You won't be my prisoner after today, you'll be my wife. I suppose that's a different kind of prison."

For a minute there, it looked like our boy might go crownless, after he suffered a ego bruise at his wedding ceremony. Somehow, he holds it together as the peanut gallery chortles at his difficulty with the old "put the cape on your wife's back" portion of the ceremony. As expected, he comes back to regain baller status at the wedding banquet, because you know our boy always shines at the after party. It was going to take a lot more than a wardrobe malfunction to dull the power of lines like, "I am the God of tits and wine. I shall build a shrine to myself." Tyrion follows that up by threatening to castrate Joffrey, so that "[he'll] be fucking [his] own bride with a wooden cock." He goes on to play up his drunkenness to avoid reprisal for calling out the King, getting away with his loose tongue free and clear.

For those of you who are not yet entertained, there was yet another dope moment from everyone's favorite Lannister. After Tyrion tells Sansa he will never force himself on her, she asks what will happen if she never wants a piece of the Imp. Ever the G, Tyrion sits down, kicks up his feet and says, "And so my watch begins."

Never in the history of marriage has a man not gotten laid on his wedding night and looked this good.