How to Hook Up at SXSW

Everyone at SXSW wants to make sure they get into the hottest shows, and once you are in, you feel like you've passed some kind of test. Congratulations, you are cooler than everyone else. You know what would make you even cooler? Offering to buy a drink for the beautiful lady standing next to you. (You're cheap? Lucky you. Most drinks at SXSW are free.) Bonding over live music is always a great way to begin a casual fling.

Alcoholics love enablers, so if you're just in it for the free booze, don't be shy. Let it all out, homeboy. Chances are you'll find someone who is equally interested in getting shamelessly drunk in front of thousands of strangers. The two of you will paint the town red and get sloppy together in bed. It will be just like college, except now you're better at coming up with excuses for your bad behavior.

Fact: the quickest way to a girl's heart is to buy her tacos. The good thing about tacos is, like women, they come in many different varieties. There are vegan tacos, gluten-free tacos, fish tacos, vegetarian tacos and on and on. If you see a woman who looks like she shops on Etsy.com, offer to buy her a vegan taco. If you see a woman wearing one of those flower headbands, offer to buy her a vegetarian taco (but only if she promises to remove the flower headband. This isn't Woodstock.)

The folks over at the social media start-up Down are doing their best to corner the hook-up market at SXSW. They built an app called Bang With SXSW. Its purpose? You guessed it. It helps the lazy festival goer hook up with strangers. Do you already have too many apps on your phone? Then use Tinder or OKCupid. If that doesn't work out, you could post a status update on your Facebook wall asking for escort service recommendations. Still no luck? Try tweeting #havetacoswilltravel.

Oh buddy, I'm sorry it has come to this. You had one too many free drinks and ended up taking a massive spill on the corner of 6th St. and Congress Ave. You're in the hospital and down for the count. Bummer. Use this recovery period to subtly hit on your nurse. If the idea of hitting on a health care professional makes you uncomfortable, take the opportunity to find a female patient who is also injured because, like you, she decided to go ham at SXSW14.

Do you read David Carr's media column in the New York Times? Is your entire SXSW schedule conveniently saved in an app? If so, you sound like the kind of person who wants to learn something. Good on you, but smart people need to get laid. Your best bet is to find someone during one of the many panel discussions you'll be attending. After one of these panels, go up to that special someone and ask her what she thinks about Julian Assange, Edward Snowden and the Time Warner-Comcast merger. If she doesn't run, you're in good shape.

Why waste time? If you're on a flight to Austin from JFK, chances are you're surrounded by other New Yorkers who are ready to wreak havoc on the only town in Texas they're not ashamed to visit. If you see someone on your aircraft, don't blow it. Once you're on the ground surrounded by the critical mass, it's going to be much more difficult to spot the right person. If you have no luck on your flight to Austin or during the festival, the flight back is your last chance. Send a Bloody Mary to seat 18A with a flirtatious note and see what happens.

Waiting at SXSW is inevitable. While in line, you can either be an impatient asshole and curse the ground you walk on, or take a minute to scope out the scene and find a hook up. If you're smart, you'll have an extra bottle of water in your sexy man bag. Offer it to the beautiful honey who is standing directly behind you.

Getting around in Austin during SXSW is a nightmare. There are pedicabs, but they are limited. Use this to your advantage. If you happen to score one at the end of the night and see a fine lady who is looking to go somewhere, don't just scoff. Offer to take her home. Once she's on and the wheels are in motion, ask her if she wants to go to your hotel room instead. Bravo if she doesn't punch you.

You heard the after-after party was going to be at your friend's AirBnB pad. You make it there and the party is raging. Local Texas babes are partying and ready to show you some southern hospitality. Sure, this sounds like a frat party, but it's late and your standards are much lower than they were in the morning. So, go for it because this is the last stop. If you can't find a casual hook up at the after-after party where everyone is drunk out of their mind, well then I'm afraid you're a lost cause.