The Least Offensive Bathrooms at SXSW

No two South by Southwest experiences are the same, but free (or slightly-cheaper-than-you’re-used-to) booze is universal. With this great boon comes both the inevitable need for tacos, and the near-constant necessity to empty your bladder and bowels. The bars on 6th Street in Austin are usually very sleepy. Unfortunately the urbanites that take over the city during the festival turn most public bathrooms into disaster areas, leaving show-goers in dire straights when it comes to finding an acceptable toilet. To help alleviate your symptoms, an Austin local and SXSW veteran has collected a list of the best places to conduct your business in comfort. Print out this list and keep it in your pocket—you're going to need it. Send your photos of heinous bathrooms at SXSW to [email protected].

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Location: 1308 E 6th St.
Website: riorita.net
Why it's your best bet: Fast lines and free Internet

Enjoy a legendary Bloody Mary and take care of business at this essential East Austin bar. These restrooms emphasize function over form, but you're likely not going to have to wait in line, and if you do the fast, free wi-fi will keep you company while you wait.

Location: 709 E 6th St.
Website: www.easytigeraustin.com
Why it's your best bet: Cleanliness presented with cupcakes

Beer, baked goods and bathrooms that will keep you coming back again and again. Easy Tiger offers dual tribute to the German heritage of central Texas and the art of porcelain maintenance.

Location: 602 E 7th St.
Website: thesidebaraustin.com
Why it's your best bet: Strong drinks that will lower your standards

Blindingly strong drinks will prepare you for the authentic grime of these bathroom stalls. It's not far from the action, but your visit might come at the cost of a few brain cells. I'm including this one because it has character.

Location: 900 Red River St.
Website: cheerupcharlies.com
Why it's your best bet: Shiny and new

This newly relocated treasure not only features some of the best parties at SXSW, but also plenty of bathroom options. Leave things as nice as you found them, if not nicer, and treat yourself to one of their house cocktails.

Location: 301 Lavaca St.
Website: gingermanpub.com
Why it's your best bet: No stranger to day drinking

Like its NYC counterpart, this place is no stranger to craft beer, high alcohol content day drinking. That means that the janitorial staff is able to handle the SXSW hordes with a poise and grace that will inspire awe and respect as you eat your upscale bar food and contemplate your next move.

Location: Right next to you, wherever you happen to be
Website: chipotle.com / starbucks.com
Why it's your best bet: They are everywhere

If you want a preview of this experience, visit one of these establishments in your hometown. It'll be just like that.

Location: 713 Congress Ave.
Website: austintheatre.org
Why it's your best bet: Historical swankiness

One of the most iconic movie palaces in Texas is also home to one of the swankiest public restrooms around. If you have a film badge, you can waltz in here for a historic moment of your own.

Location: 407 E 7th St.
Website: mugshotsaustin.com
Why it's your best bet: Hit up the photo booth after the bathroom

This place is home to some of the cheapest drinks downtown, so their restrooms are no stranger to high-frequency, high-volume use. There's also a photo booth, because SXSW parties don't have any of those, ever. (Be sure to capture your post-bathroom relief with photos to send home to your mom.)

Location: 1412 E 6th St.
Website: thebrixtonaustin.com
Why it's your best bet: Friendly bartenders

The bartenders here are really nice, which is important when you're asking the question, "Where is the bathroom?" They also have frozen Kool-Aid cubes, instead of traditional plain old water ice cubes, because sugar is awesome.

Location: 621 E 7th St.
Website: koriente.com
Why it's your best bet: Clean and worth your time

Bibimbap and religiously cleaned bathrooms make this cozy spot a necessary stop for the hungover denizen with a full bladder. You shouldn't eat all your meals at SXSW standing up, anyway.

Location: 2200 Manor Rd.
Website: thunderbirdcoffee.com
Why it's your best bet: Inoffensive

A little out of the way, but worth the trek if you are looking for free wi-fi and inoffensive coffee house-style bathrooms. Sit on the deck and catch some rays over a pitcher and an iced coffee, simultaneously.

Sometimes this is the only option, but it’s not really an option. It’s probably unclear why this porta potty is here, anyway. It’s been filthy since day two of the event and now it just needs to be burned.

As much as Austin cops would love to introduce you to some new friends in the drunk tank, you don’t have to give them an easy win. Hold it until you find somewhere better.

The bouncer won’t let you in for free and they’ll examine your out-of-state ID like it's an international treaty.

Just don’t.