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"Sparks," whether delivered in a bright orange can or on the big screen, usually tends to mean you're in for a long night. In this case, we aren't referring to Four Loko's tangy predecessor, which similarly can leave a bad taste in your mouth, but best-selling romance novelist Nicholas Sparks, the writer behind the source material for this weekend's sappy cinematic love story The Lucky One.
We don't know if "lucky ones" is exactly how we'd describe the groups of men that are certain to be guilted into attendance by their googly-eyed girlfriends and wives, cheated out of their previous brownie-housing holiday plans on 4/20. Yet another reason not to count your blessings? In The Notebook author's latest piece of "chick lit" come to life, Zac Efron stars as a Marine who becomes infatuated with a woman in a photo he's come to believe is his good luck charm and sets out to find her. Simply put, come this Friday, you're going to be made to look like a chump in front of your girl by Zac effing Efron. Talk about a buzzkill.
Ever since the seemingly harmless Message in a Bottle kick-started the Sparks movie movement in 1999, each subsequent cheesy release has managed to raise the romantic bar increasingly (and impossibly) high, resulting in ruined nights, damaged courtships, and enough eye-rolling to risk permanent damage. Will the social carnage caused by the well-meaning, church-going Nebraskan ever come to an end? For those wondering just why Sparks fails to make us feel the love, allow us to count the ways with our list of 10 Reasons Never To Watch Adaptations Of Nicholas Sparks Books.
Written by Lauren Otis (@LaurNado)
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10. There's always at least one tragic death.
Got a hot date with Nicholas Sparks' characters this weekend? For first-timers, the key is to approach his stories with a heart of stone. And choose your favorite character carefully, as the one you get most attached to will probably be six feet in the ground by the time the credits roll.
As if sweet, schmaltzy nothings whispered by the author's chiseled leads weren't enough to tug at audience's heartstrings, the impending doom of his key players, whether due to incurable disease (like Jamie Sullivan and her secret struggle with leukemia in A Walk to Remember) or natural disaster (like Paul Flanner, who gets taken out by a mudslide in Nights in Rodanthe) further ensures the characters' relationships are overly-romanticized to the umpteenth degree.
And, not to mention, that you'll emerge from the theater covered in snot and tears. Hopefully not your own.
9. The cheesy one-liners are heard endlessly.
"Our love is like the wind. I can't see it, but I can feel it."
Sure, A Walk to Remembermight have been set in the 1990s, but even in light of all the cheese that we embraced that embarrassing decade, it's hard to picture someone letting that kind of corny dialogue fly without cracking his or herself up, let alone its intended recipient.
The quote's utterer, Landon Carter (Shane West), is one of many Nicholas Sparks characters who should be thankful that their love story preceded the rise of Facebook, Gmail, and texting, when the last thing you want to do is unleash something like that with the possibility of creating a digital trail. Suddenly, it's not just dude's beloved, but all of her friends, and maybe even the rest of the Internet laughing at their expense.
In The Notebook, one of the flicks credited with putting Ryan Gosling on the map, the guy's lovestruck character is forced to declare, "If you're a bird, I'm a bird," and, in another instance, "The best love is the kind that awakens the soul and makes us reach for more, that plants a fire in our hearts and brings peace to our minds."
Can you imagine how long the outtake reel for that movie must be?
8. The softness is obviously countered by male soldier characters.
Channing Tatum, Ryan Gosling, and Zac Efron all do their part to serve our country in their respective Nicholas Sparks movies, and we can totally respect that. It's hard not to notice, though, that in Dear John, The Notebook, and especially The Lucky One, a pattern has emerged of trying to lend the smitten stars some extra testosterone by thrusting them into military gear.
Whether they're wrapping up a tour of duty or volunteering to head back into harm's way, it feels as though this has become Sparks' unsubtle tactic of choice when it comes to restoring his male characters some manhood, the masculinity that's lost within all the countless professions of love, schmoopie strolls, horse-rides on the beach, and, yes, the stalking
You know that if Zac Efron's character was a janitor or a Kinko's employee that opted to track down the blonde in that photo, The Lucky One would exist in a whole other genre, and would star Philip Seymour Hoffman or James Spader in Efron's place.
7. Vacation love isn't real love.
Couples from Nicholas Sparks flicks are always discovering true love while on some sort of break, be it spring or summer, or some put-upon woman taking off and "just doin' her." And why wouldn't they? Everything's always heightened when there's fresh scenery and an expiration date.
Think Paul (Richard Gere) and Adrienne (Diane Lane), from 2008's Nights in Rodanthe, would've been unloading all of their emotional baggage onto each other were they not two patrons stuck together at some romantic B&B on the beach? If they were in NYC, you know they'd have been ignoring each other, iPods and all.
Channing Tatum's chaarcter in Dear John, too, might not have been held in the same high esteem were he some dude from around the office or a loud music-playing neighbor instead of a shirtless heartthrob kicking it on the beach before departing for battle.
6. The dudes never have real jobs.
Taking the vacation theme one step further, it's not surprising that the male cast members have all the time in the world to roll around in the sand (and the sack, tastefully, of course) with their soul mates—not a one of them is ever tasked with balancing their chick with a 14-hour gig, or even a 9 to 5 for that matter.
Don't get us wrong, serving in the Army is as real a job as any, but you'll notice that Sparks' stories ever so conveniently manage to work around their actual service, just as the Nights in Rodanthecouple are fortunate enough to hook up while homie's taken a leave from his surgery practice.
The remainder of the dudes? Ambiguously employed. Do we ever see Ryan Gosling's character working other than that initial stint at the lumber yard? Or how about volunteering with animals (Zac Efron's The Lucky One character gets involved at his woman's family-run kennel, while The Last Song's resident lady-killer, Will Blakelee, puts in time at the aquarium). It's easy to look good when work is never competing for your attention. Just puppies.
5. The moves that get the girl would never work off-screen.
Dangling from ferris wheels in efforts to get girls to go on a date. Randomly showing up at the doorsteps of attractive strangers. Heart-filled confessions of what could be interpreted by some as involuntary manslaughter. These are things that might result in someone living happily ever after when executed to perfection by Nicholas Sparks' idealistic protagonists, but try them in real life and you're not only likely to scare the object of your affection into hiding, but those nights in Rodanthe will more likely be nights in Rikers.
4. The hardest rating is PG-13.
If a fella's going to be subjected to a romance flick, they should at least be able to reap some of the benefits, right? Some skin, perhaps? A little hot sex on a platter?
Unfortunately, despite the subject matter at hand, the only hardcore lovin' you'll be witnessing in Saint Nick's wholesome series is hardcore face sucking. In place of sex, there's lovemaking (if any). We wouldn't advise holding your breath for any sets of twins making a cameo, either (though for that, we have a whole other list). The only bone the production crew tends to throw in that department is some collarbone.
3. Characters' leaps of faith are way over the top.
Come on, are we really supposed to believe that, in addition to setting out on a crazy trip to meet some unfamiliar dame from a crusty photograph, The Lucky One's Logan Thibault (Zac Efron) wouldn't at the very least have taken measures to confirm that she was single? And that the photo was even recent?
After all, he was able to stalk down her identity—you'd think that he'd have considered doing a little detective work on Facebook before heading to her place for the real deal. For all he knew, Beth (Taylor Schilling) could've aged 20 years or really let herself go since the photo was taken—or been cozied up with another guy.
Furthermore, Ryan Gosling takes the "If you build it, they will come" mantra to intense new extremes as The Notebook's Noah Calhoun, whose determination to win his girl back from a worthy opponent leads him to build the house of her dreams out of a decrepit old plantation the two spent time in in the past. Believing it will woo her back to him, he nails every detail she'd described to him in previous years, from blue shutters to a wrap-around porch for her to paint. Seeing the place in the paper, Allie Hamilton (Rachel McAdams) is indeed moved and returns to him, kick-starting the relationship all over again.
We wouldn't be so quick to bust out the hammer and nails in real life, though. That's a shit ton of work if your woman decides she doesn't want you back. And then you're just the fool stuck sitting around a house that's destined to remind you of your failed relationship 24/7.
2. The stories almost always take place in North Carolina.
Not to hate on the great state of North Carolina, but it might be time to conquer some new territory, Mr. Sparks. With five of the author's seven movie adaptations taking place in the Tar Heel State (it'd six were it not for The Last Song's last-minute switch over to Georgia), Sparks is clearly a firm believer in the old adage that you should write about what you know.
But what about us Northerners? Are we so incapable of love? We've got beaches too, you know. The guy's literary inclinations are slong overdue for some big city hustles.
1. You're going to look romantically inferior by comparison.
So, you coughed up the cash for tickets to that movie your lady's been dying to see. Or maybe you organized an elaborate surprise party, hitting up all her friends and family. Unfortunately for you, one viewing of a gushy Nicholas Sparks flick and you might as well have been on a Groupon date at Red Lobster.
What's a picnic in the park compared to a romantic evening spent caring for helpless sea turtles? Or slow-dancing together in the middle of an abandoned street? Or finding creative ways to help a chick accomplish everything on her bucket list? Better check those flowers and chocolates at the door, because your game's looking pale and generic next to the guy that's contacting the star registry to have one officially named for his girlfriend.
Sparks, corny as he is, is a crazy mastermind when it comes to concocting unconventional outings. And raising female expectations sky-high. Sorry, lazy daters.
