Breaker Breaker 1-9: This Week's Most Ratchet Crimes in America

The word "ratchet" may be played out, but until the Internet agrees upon a more accurate description for these crimes, it will have to do. These stories are sad, imaginative, and they inspire us to have conversations about race, class and the American dream.

This week's roundup includes weed brownies, watching porn in public, and a mystery pooper. Each crime is rated on our Ratchet Meter, a base-10 logarithmic scale modeled after a similar system developed by Charles Richter—except that the Ratchet Meter has nothing to do with science because it's not actually a real thing. Read on for the best of the worst ratchet crimes in America.

Proceed with caution, stay safe, don't try this at home, and send your tips to [email protected].

RELATED: Breaker Breaker 1-9: This Week's Most Ratchet Crimes in America
RELATED: Breaker Breaker 1-9: This Week's Most Ratchet Crimes in America
RELATED: Breaker Breaker 1-9: This Week's Most Ratchet Crimes in America

Date: 4/4/14
Location: Corvalis, Ore.
Crime: Driving Under the Influence
Ratchet Meter: 7

A man from Corvalis, Ore. was arrested for DUI on last weekend while wearing a t-shirt that read "Drunk As Shit." The shirt was prophecy, obviously. According to The Smoking Gun, Ross McMakin, 21, was arrested on Sunday night after driving his vehicle onto the sidewalk, striking a parked car, then striking his girlfriend when she tried to take the keys from him. Police say McMakin was only behind the wheel because his girlfriend didn't know how to drive a stick shift, though McMakin didn't clearly didn't fare better. McMakin also faces reckless endangerment, strangulation, and harassment charges in addition to the DUI charge.

Date: 4/4/14
Location: Salt Lake City, Utah
Crime: Child Abuse
Ratchet Meter: 8

A pair of idiots in Utah ran afoul of the law when they decided to tie one of the men's son to a tree so they could smoke marijuana. Huffington Post reports that Richard Marsh (first image), 29, and Paul Rapp (second image), 35, were allegedly seen dragging Marsh's 4-year-old son across the street by his backpack harness in Salt Lake City, Utah on Sunday.

A witness also told police they watched Rapp continue to drag the boy, even after he tripped and fell. When they finally came to a stop, they tied the child to a tree and began smoking weed. Disgusted witnesses finally called the police, and Marsh and Rapp tried to dispose of the pipe they used to smoke when officers arrived. Marsh and Rapp were arrested and charged with child abuse.

Date: 4/4/14
Location: Los Angeles
Crime: Assault
Ratchet Meter: 9

A dispute over a man allegedly escalated to the point of a group of women dumping a box of rats into a rival's home in Philadelphia. According to Huffington Post, Philadelphia police say a woman in her 20s broke a window at her adversary's home, then liberated a swarm of white rats inside of it with the help of her mother and at least eight other women.

Authorities also claim the mob punched the 30-year-old victim in the face and stole her purse, all over a man. One of the victim's family members had to be hospitalized because the incident stirred up heart troubles. Police are still searching for the suspects. Pouring a box of rats in someone's crib? That's a step below some actual mob shit. Also, there's a joke about rats and their actions to be made here. It won't be stated explicitly, but everyone knows what it is.

Date: 4/9/14
Location: New York City
Crime: Sexual Assault
Ratchet Meter: 6

Police are still searching for a man suspected of groping a 13-year-old girl on a Bronx-bound subway train last month, reports NBC New York. The incident, which took place March 26, happened on the 4 train between 125th Street Station in Harlem and 161st Street Station in the Concourse Village neighborhood. The man was last seen as he exited the station. Police ask anyone with information on the man (pictured above) to call Crime Stoppers at 1-800-577-TIPS.

Date: 4/10/14
Location: Longwood, Fla.
Crime: Traveling to Meet a Child For Sex, Transmitting Obscene Material to a Minor
Ratchet Meter: 8

Authorities say a Kansas man who drove 18 hours to have sex with a teenager he met online was so overzealous that he didn't stop once, using a cup as a urinal during his journey. The New York Daily News reports that 40-year-old Christopher Lanning was arrested at a gas station near Longwood, Fla. Tuesday after embarking on a journey to meet the 14-year-old girl he thought he had arranged to sleep with over the Internet. Upon arrival, Lanning who traveled all the way from Kansas City, had actually been speaking with an undercover cop since March. Lanning was reportedly so eager to get to Florida that he never stopped during the drive, turning his car into a makeshift bathroom.

Kevin Tuck, spokesman for the Longwood Police Department, described the odor inside of Lanning's vehicle as "pretty bad," and that's probably modest commentary. Lanning—who police say reached out to them—currently faces several charges including traveling to meet a child for sex and transmitting obscene material to a minor. A judge has since stripped him of his Internet privileges.

Date: 4/10/14
Location: Yuba City, Calif.
Crime: Employing a Minor to Sell Marijuana
Ratchet Meter: 8

Prom season is rapidly approaching, forcing many teens into a frenzy of preparation for the school year's apex--aside from graduation, of course. One California teen crossed the line and now faces deportation for selling brownies laced with marijuana to pay for her prom dress. Sara Munoz of Yuba City, Calif. badly wanted to attend to River Valley High School's prom, but didn't have the money for a dress. With resources scarce, she elected to hold a bake sale and recruited another student to peddle her pot brownies. However, a student was hospitalized after unknowingly consuming the edibles, exposing Munoz's operation.

Munoz, who was 18 at the time, was charged with employing a minor to sell marijuana. A judge sentenced her to nine days in jail on Monday, but she was given credit for time served. She'll also spend the next four years on probation, but that's the least of her concerns. The crime revealed that the Mexican native came to the U.S. in 2000 with just temporary permission. Her felony may result in her deportation, which makes not having the cash for a prom dress completely irrelevant in the grand scheme of things.

Date: 4/10/14
Location: Culpepper, Va.
Crime: Misdemeanor Assault
Ratchet Meter: 9

A man who added urine to a co-worker's coffee has been ordered to pay $5,001 in damages, with that last dollar being a huge middle finger in his face. In March 2009, James Carroll Butler decided to spite co-worker Michael Utz by pouring urine that he had collected from a toilet using a soda can into Utz's coffee pot at the Culpepper, Va. water treatment plant where they worked. Utz was in the process of making coffee when he noticed the tell-tale odor of urine, as well as a foreign liquid inside of the pot.

After informing a supervisor who suggested the liquid be tested, it was revealed that it contained both urine and feces. Bulter's guilty conscience got the best of him and he confessed. According to court documents that the Daily Progress got its hands on, Butler will have to pay $5,000 in punitive damages, while the $1 is for compensatory damages. Utz was originally seeking $728,000, but he's not too mad about the cash he's getting for his grievance. As for Butler, well, he was obviously fired and sentenced to a year in jail and a year of unsupervised probation, though 11 months of that jail sentence were suspended. Lesson: Don't taint anyone's beverage with waste. It'll cost you time and money.

Date: 4/8/14
Location: Lufkin, Texas
Crime: Possession of Drug Paraphernalia
Ratchet Meter: 9

For whatever reason, a woman in East Texas called police to complain about the quality of the marijuana she had recently purchased. According to Huffington Post, police in Lufkin, Texas ventured to 37-year-old Evelyn Hamilton's home after she placed a distress call about disappointing weed and a dealer who refused to refund her. Lufkin Sgt. David Casper told Huffington Post that Hamilton fell for the okie-doke when a cop asked if she still had the weed, removing it from her bra and placing it on the table. Cops must really love seeing if they can get away with that. Hamilton, who was arrested on Friday and charged with possession of drug paraphernalia, paid $40 for what she described as "seeds and residue." That's a valid reason for being pissed off, but the police aren't the ones to call when your weed man lets you down. That's when you get a new dealer and, hopefully, stay out of jail. Hamilton didn't do that.

Date: 4/8/14
Location: Brooklyn, N.Y.
Crime: Driving While Intoxicated
Ratchet Meter: 8

An NYPD officer was arrested for leading fellow officers on a drunken chase in Brooklyn Sunday night, authorities say. The New York Daily News reports that 30-year-old Shieed Haniff was seen driving recklessly, striking a car before busting a u-turn and hitting another, leaving people in both vehicles injured. Haniff, a seven-year veteran of the police force, also drove straight through a stop-sign, forcing other cops to dive out of the way to safety. Haniff was arrested just before just midnight after finally coming to a stop in East New York. He was charged with DWI, reckless driving, leaving the scene of an accident and refusal to take a breath test. He was released without bail, but not before his driving privileges were snatched away. This is not at all the kind of behavior Bill Bratton wants from his officers.

Date: 4/8/14
Location: New York City
Crime: Public Inconvenience, Annoyance, Alarm to the Public
Ratchet Meter: 9

A man who either couldn't wait for privacy or simply wanted to cause a spectacle was arrested for watching porn on a New York City stoop using a portable DVD player.The New York Daily News reports that 48-year-old Rudolph Campbell was seen watching Extreme Asses #18 with no regard for the children around in Harlem. What's more, it wasn't even his stoop. According to Officer William Butler, the images displayed on the portable DVD player (who uses them other than the dudes selling bootleg DVDs in the barbershop?) were "[obstructing] vehicular and pedestrian traffic."

During his appearance in Manhattan Criminal Court yesterday, Campbell was asked by Judge Bruna DiBiase if he was watching porn to "cause public inconvenience, annoyance, alarm to the public." He answered yes, and what else could he really say? The Daily News notes that Campbell has upwards of 30 arrests for incidents ranging from drug possession to trespassing, and served two stints in state prison. This recent case does nothing for his image.

Date: 4/7/14
Location: Somerset County, Penn.
Crime: Sexual
Ratchet Meter: 6

After pleading guilty to sexually assaulting a 10-year-old in 1989, James Wade Barclay went on the lam. But after sitting on the New Jersey state "most wanted" list for 25 years, police have finally caught their man in Pennsylvania. Barclay failed to show up to court for his sentencing in September 1991. Since he slipped custody a quarter-century ago, he has lived under the alias James C. Toryone and worked driving tractor-trailers. Barclay is currently being held on $5 million bail in Somerset County, Penn. while he awaits extradition back to New Jersey.

Date: 4/6/14
Location: Ypsilanti, Mich.
Crime: Health Safety Nuisance Injurious to Health
Ratchet Meter: 10

Frustrated police in Michigan are searching for whoever keeps defecating on the slides at a popular children's park. The New York Daily News reports that this menace, known as the "Mystery Pooper," has been tainting Prospect Park in Ypsilanti, Mich. with their waste for the past six months. Authorities worry that the renegade pooping—and accompanying smell—will only get worse as the weather gets warmer. Police in Ypsilanti prayed the cold would deter the fecal bandit from leaving solids on the park, but the frigid temperatures did nothing to stop the onslaught. They're considering installing security cameras, which might be a better option than asking residents to keep an eye out for someone taking a dump on the slides as the weather warms up.

Date: 4/5/14
Location: Belle Glade, Fla.
Crime: Arson, Battery and Cruelty Toward a Child
Ratchet Meter: 7

A Florida man set his girlfriend's closet on fire following an argument over a tablet device. The New York Daily News reports that Junior Richmond, 23, and the victim began arguing over the device at her Belle Glade, Fla. apartment when he started punching her in the head. He then took a cigarette lighter and set all of the clothes in her closet on fire. As the fire grew, Richmond fled, leaving the woman and her four children. The fire spread to five other apartments, but everyone managed to escape and responding firefighters extinguished the blaze. Richmond was arrested and charged with arson, batter, and cruelty toward a child.