A Completely Un-Creepy Guide to Meeting Strangers at Bars

Hey, my eyes are up here. I know I might have some great assets, which—if you play your cards right—you might just get to enjoy when I decide, but until that time comes, a little respect can go a long way.

Listen, everyone loves a free drink. Your prospective new love interest will be happy, their friends will be happy, you will be happy. We get it, you can afford (at least for the moment) to show off a little for the sake of the greater good, but know when to stop. At some point your personality, not your credit card, has to put in work.

You're not Justin Bieber, you don't get to call me "Baby." It's not cute, and you probably call everyone that.

Don't feel the need to literally act out that "Next" song we all danced to in junior high. That "little poke coming through" is a sure fire way to get you smacked, not smooched. Can we just put the days of "expressing yourself" behind us?

Does this ever work outside of an L.A. nightclub? No, I don't care about your iPad Serato software, and no, I don't want you to photograph me in a "tasteful nude."

We've all been there, and trust me, it's usually better to duck behind the scenes than to go up to someone and say "Hey, slutty_taco6969!! I've seen YOU before!"

We all have them. We all know their next move. We all know those Jagerbombs won't end well. Even if you're not creepy, your friend is, and he'll ruin any chance you had of meeting anyone.

Within the first 30 seconds of speaking to you, your boo-to-be has already decided if you're someone worth going home with, let alone enjoying a drink with. Begging is pathetic, and nobody wants to date a pathetic man child. Take rejection with grace; there are plenty of other girls with pink hair in Williamsburg.

There are a handful of bars scattered throughout this city that allow you to imbibe with your best four-legged friend. Seriously, who doesn't love dogs? Horrible, miserable people, that's who. On the other hand, bringing your kid to the bar is probably one of those things that make you a horrible, miserable person. So please, for the sake of everyone that is trying to enjoy a beer without a child wailing in the distance, leave Amos and his Baby Bjorn with your ex.

Approaching someone seated next to you is way less-threatening than an ambush. Wait until a seat opens up next to the person you're trying to talk to. It will allow you to do something like nonchalantly mix up your drinks so you can seem sheepishly bashful as you offer to buy them another, thus engaging in harmless conversation. It will also let you listen in on what he or she is talking about, so maybe you can gauge a good starting point for communication. It's also just generally way less creepy to be seated than to be looming in a dark corner of the bar.

No matter what VH1 tells you, there is not one lady in the world who says to themselves "That guy in the trench coat and furry hat is coming home with me tonight." Not one. So please, burn your Venusian Arts Handbook and forget what you've learned about "Peacocking" and just be yourself. I'm sure it's a better version of what some bootleg Chris Angel skid mark told you to be.

Hanging out by the bathrooms typically means one thing. Need I say more?

This should be a no-brainer, but you know and I both know we are all guilty of failing this one with flying colors. Yeah, once in a while it's fun(ny) to talk to a stranger that might be equally as inebriated as you are, but it's fair to say that the "Blonde Dress" entry you saved in your phone is not going to be your girlfriend anytime soon. Pace yourself. If you're really going out with the intentions of possibly meeting someone, you're going to want to be able to both keep your eyes open and form coherent sentences, otherwise you're just going to become that creepy drunk guy/girl.

You know what's cool? Flirty banter. Not cool? Back-handed complements or teasing (commonly referred to by the Reddit/Men's Rights Activist ilk as "negging"). This is where the use of bar games and activities can make or break your interaction. It's okay to poke fun at how cute his face looked while he struggled to figure out the puzzle on the back of that Lonestar cap, but it is not okay to drunkenly shout how you kicked her ass at that game of Big Buck Hunter. Games are a totally non-threatening way to engage in conversation and also generally have enough stimulation to keep the momentum going, just don't ruin it by being a drunk idiot. Tip: If you're using this as a way to initiate conversation, keep it to something short and sweet; nobody wants to get locked into a game of Scrabble with a stranger.

Learning to read when someone is uncomfortable is probably the most valuable social tool you can have when trying to meet a new person, and-surprise!-most of you blow it. Maybe it's because you've downed four too many of those PBR/Old Overholt combos. Maybe it's because your parents never made you take Cotillion. Hell, maybe you just don't pay attention to the person who you're trying to spit game at, (in which case, please, hold your spit).

The bartender is a gatekeeper to what can either be your inebriated demise or composed entryway onto the battlefield of romance. Let's be honest; you look a hell of a lot cooler when that drink you just ordered for the person you've been eyeing across the bar is gifted "from my friend over there" versus "from some random dude who just ran to the bathroom."