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If you haven't seen any episodes of Louie yet, check them out; they're on Netflix. Trust, you'll be glad you did. Like Seinfeld, but slightly more crass, Louie has bits of Louis C.K.'s stand-up scattered throughout an episode of wonderfully crafted storylines. As writer, director, editor, producer, and star, Louis C.K. is being dubbed as the first real auteur of television. And, lucky you, you get to catch the newest season on FX on May 5, with 14 back-to-back episodes over the following seven weeks.
The show, loosely based on Louis C.K.'s own life, is peppered with the best stand-up comedians in New York City, insightful and deep dialogue, and serious laugh-out-loud comedy. And, in honor of that, we've made a list of some of the best lines from Louie to spread throughout your conversations. You won't regret it—you know, unless the penis jokes make your mom cry or something.
Written by Hope Schreiber (@HopeSchreiber)
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"Shit... there's not even enough time to jerk off." —Louie
Situation to use it in: When you wake up from your hangover and you're already 15 minutes late for your mom's birthday brunch.
"Kick a jesus in the face, this is delicious." —Pamela
Situation to use it in: When you need a nice compliment for your significant other's mother's cooking.
"Shit on my fathers balls!" —Louie
Situation to use it in: When the wifi keeps going out and every time you try to call your Internet provider they put you on hold for 46 minutes.
"This is the worst thing that's ever happened to me, and my dad hung himself in front of me, while masturbating." —Ben
Situation to use it in: When you stub your toe on the corner of the coffee table.
"My mom says any choice I make is okay because I love myself." —Never
Situation to use it in: When you're faced with a hard decision about your career path.
"You can't just drift through life and hope that love is going to float into you like plankton into a whale's fucking mouth." —Jeanie
Situation to use it in: When your best friend hasn't hooked up with a girl since his college girlfriend dumped him—three years ago.
"Now, have you ever had experience being funny?" —Dahl
Situation to use it in: When someone you know says that they're starting to do stand-up comedy and you could go to their three-drink-minimum, cover-charged show.
"I promise to give you a blowjob... I'm not asking for charity from you. I don't need your help. I'm just saying if you offer it, I'll suck your dick." —Dolores
Situation to use it in: When you have to be moved out of your apartment by the first of the month, you haven't packed anything, and your friend has a pick-up truck.
"I'm in love with you. Yeah, it's that bad. You're so beautiful to me. Shut up! Lemme tell you. Let me. Every time I look at your face or even remember it, it wrecks me—and the way you are with me, and you're just fun and you shit all over me and you make fun of me and you're real. I don't have enough time in any day to think about you enough. I feel like I'm going to live a thousand years 'cause that's how long it's gonna take me to have one thought about you which is that I'm crazy about you." —Louie
Situation to use it in: When your significant other asks you how you feel right before they're about to do an awesome sexual act.
"You know what your problem is? You're just a... pencil... penis... parade!" —Louie
Situation to use it in: When your boss is letting you go.
"The constant flow of penises into your asshole just tapered off?" —Louie
Situation to use it in: When your boss agrees to give you the weekend off.
"Are we supposed to feel sorry for white guys? What, is 10,000 years of unchecked prosperity, that's not enough for you?" —Louie
Situation to use it in: When white guys get pissed off about Black History Month and why there isn't a White History Month.
"Napoleon masturbated... Gandhi, uh, Joan Jett, Shakespeare..." —Louie
Situation to use it in: When your parents ask why you removed the parental blocks on the family PC when you were home for Easter break.
"Your sperms are dying inside my mouth right now." —Laurie
Situation to use it in: When you need something romantic to write on a Subway giftcard envelope.
"It's lubricant for masturbating... It's technically used for sex but I personally have never used it that way. I use it to masturbate with." —Louie
Situation to use it in: When your girlfriend/boyfriend finds all the empty bottles of lube underneath your bed when she/he was trying to be nice and help you clean up.
"I've never gotten laid 'cause of the way I look. I'm the guy that women see and they go, 'Eh?' And I'm like, 'I know, but let me just talk to you for a minute.'" —Louie
Situation to use it in: When you need to spice up/explain yourself on your dating profile.
"Listen. I wish I could tell you it gets better, but... it doesn't get better. You get better." —Joan Rivers
Situation to use it in: When your nephew really sucks at Super Smash Brothers and you refuse to let him win.
