25 Easy Ways to Piss Off Your Bartender

If you've ever stood at a packed bar trying to grab a bartender's attention, you know that securing a drink can be ruthless bloodsport. But if you'd ever like to see that gin and tonic, it's important to remember that an actual human is making said G&T, and how you act will determine how fast you get it.

It's not all fun and games back there with the bottles. Bartending can be a difficult task, particularly when you're dealing with inebriated customers with no sense of etiquette or common decency. Don't be one of those people who goes on a power trip just because they have a fancy swizzle in their hand.

If you'd like to remain thirsty and be ignored all night, try this: 25 Easy Ways to Piss Off Your Bartender.

RELATED: The 10 Worst Things You Can Do to a Waiter
RELATED: The 10 Worst Things You Can Do to a Bartender
RELATED: 25 Reasons We Hate Dining Out, in GIFS
RELATED: First We Feast - Kitchen Slang 101: How to Talk Like a Line Cook

House cocktails exist because someone working for the house made a drink that was so delicious it was printed on the menu. Like restaurants, menu items should not be altered to a point where they are no long recognizable.

Should you decide to change a specialty cocktail in a dramatic way, please do not complain about the outcome. At this point, you not liking the drink is your own fault, so keep your opinion to yourself. Stick with the menu as is, or only change base spirits, otherwise, taste cannot be guaranteed.

Of all the wrongs that you could commit at a bar, this one ranks as the worst transgression of all: Never touch your bartender. The fact that you are physically impeded by a large block of material (be it wood, marble, or bronze) should speak to how unequivocally unacceptable it is to touch them.

Touch your bartender and find your arse on the curb, or worse, given a lesson on inappropriate touching courtesy of one of the barkeeps. Groping—be it to get someone's attention or for less savory reasons—is also major violation, and may win you a pair of pretty silver bracelets, free of charge.

Napkins and coasters are not meant to be played with, straws are not meant for you to chew on, and olive pits are not made for decorating the bar. No bartender wants to pick up the mess that you have made with all of your fun, make-shift toys. They're your bartender, not your mother.

If you're old enough to consume alcohol, you should have enough self-control to not tear a coaster into a thousand pieces. No bartender wants to touch nasty olive pits you spit on the bar or handle a mangled straw you chewed on for the last hour. It's common sense, people.

A sure fire way to piss off your bartender is to order each drink for your party one by one. Similar to the way a chef would work, bartenders have 20 orders or more to juggle, so it's helpful to put your entire order in at once so that they're able to properly multi-task.

If you come up to the bar to order a drink, let the bartender know what everyone in the group wants. Placing orders one drink at a time will make the process slower for everyone, including you. Having to take the same bottle of prosecco out of the fridge four times because you couldn't get it together will surely sour your bartender.

Being nice to your bartender goes a long way. Adknowledge that their job is just as difficult as any other job, if not more so, because most of the people they deal with on a daily basis are intoxicated.

With this in mind, try not to be a dick. Take a breath, don't argue and exercise patience. If tequila steals your soul and makes you evil, don't drink it. Do that shit at home when no other humans have to deal with you.

If you ask for a comp you will never get one. Ever. Yes, buy backs are awesome. They are an amazing part of bar culture that makes everyone involved happy. That being said, pushing for a comp is not cool.

If a bartender wants to give you a free drink, they will. If you're a regular, or you're throwing them back at a highly commendable pace, or you're just an awesome customer, it will happen. But ask and you shall never receive. Telling a bartender that you deserve free booze just makes you look like an asshole.

When ambitious bar programs and informed clientele come together, some interesting conversations can take place. Talking about booze with your bartender is awesome, and a good bartender will appreciate learning something new as well as much as they enjoy doing the schooling.

What they won't enjoy is being asked questions just to be one-upped. If you already know the varietals used in a wine or the origins of Punt e Mes, congratulations. Tell your date or even the guys beside you, if you're so inclined. But flossing your knowledge just to beat the bartender to the punch is annoying. Why does the bar breed this sort of competition in certain folks? It is truly weird and uncomfortable for everyone involved.

If you want to send a bartender straight through the roof, act like a coward and audibly complain about everything to everyone except the bartender.

Rather than bitching about the drinks, the space, or the vibe, to the people around you, speak up. Rather than being a passive-aggressive douche, directly address the bartender with your concerns. They'd be happy to help you alleviate the situation, rather than listening to you talk shit under your breath.

Technology is a super awesome. It's great that you can bring your iPad to a bar without a TV and watch the game, but it's not quite as great for your bartender. If you're watching with the volume off, it's not an issue, but it becomes a situation when you sit down and immediately pop in headphones.

Until you can telepathically transmit your drink order, this is not appropriate bar behavior. Don't make your bartender shout "Would you like another beer?" as you fail to look up from your device. Being a cell phone at a restaurant is rude, but being on your iPad at a bar is phone but worse. Plug them in, and prepare to be ignored.

This should be common knowledge by now, but in the case it isn't, we'll say it again: Talking on the phone while trying to order is a major no no.If you're chatting away while trying to order a drink, expect to wait a long time for your drink, if you even get it at all.

Bars are communal spaces. They are small, and often cramped, and not a single person in the room cares about the what you are cooking for dinner or what shoes you want for your birthday. Be considerate: speak quietly or hang up when you reach the bar, or be prepared to be at the receiving end of your bartender's glare.

A bar is not your living room. Putting your phone, your hat, your purse, and every other item you find in your pocket on the bar is rude to the bartender, as well as the people sitting around you.

Just because you pay money for a drink doesn't mean you can lay claim to half of the bar. You only get one stool for yourself, and if you're able to move down to make room for another person, you should. Stop acting like your playing Monopoly and you own the bar's real estate. You don't.

A good bartender will never be upset when a patron orders a drink he/she has never made. If they can find the drink in a Mr. Boston book behind the bar, or you can find the ingredients on your phone, any bartender worth their salt will be happy to oblige you.

But sometimes the scenario does not play out this way. Telling your bartender about a drink you've had elsewhere is fine, expecting them to be able to make it when you've described it as "pink and tart" is not. They're a bartender, not a psychic. If you don't know what you want, it's impossible to expect them to.

Ordering a slew of muddled drinks, whether it be an Old Fashioned or a capirhana, is a sure fire way to make your bartender hate you.

We don't want to stop you from ordering what you want—all we ask is that you order one mojito, not ten. If you insist on downing fifteen drinks that require intensive labor, we'll be rolling our eyes behind your back. If your order begins with the phrase "I'm sorry to do this to you," it's probably because you know what you are doing is completely douchey. Three lemon drop martinis (which require sugar rims) and two mojitos will garner you little respect. Don't be that guy. And if you are that guy, tip well.

If you're drinking and spending money, by all means stay as long as you like. But if you haven't order a drink in an hour, and have since decided to start reading a book or catch up on emails, reconsider.

Unless there is no one else in the bar, be mindful that those around you are trying to turned up, and those behind the stick are trying to make a buck or two. If you feel like a bartender is trying to get rid of you, it's because they are. If you are not drinking and it's busy, be prepared to give up your seat for a paying customer. There are plenty of great cafes—the bar is not your couch.

If a bartender makes eye contact, he/she recognizes that you are waiting. If they are halfway decent at their job, they will be with you as soon as they can. Please don't snap your fingers, beckon, or do some weird head motion to get their attention.

If you decide to be obnoxious and treat a bartender like they're your personal servant, expect to be ignored, wait longer for your drinks, and absolutely not to see any sort of love (ie: free drinks) thrown your way.

It's one thing to be a pain in the ass customer, it's another to be a pain in the ass customer who doesn't tip well. Please, don't employ this double threat.

Tip and tip well, particularly if cocktails were made well and made quickly, and the service was good. A dollar or two on a couple of beers is appreciated, and a round of mixed drinks warrants a standard twenty percent. Keep in mind that the hourly rate of the service industry is often well below regular minimum wage. Tips are how bartenders make their money, and while lip service is nice, only money really talks.

Choosing to sit at a bar and chat up a barkeep is usually a pretty wise power move. Those who opt to sit at a bar, particularly at a restaurant, tend to be a pretty rad crowd. But choose your time to chat wisely.

Whether you're a regular or a friend of the guy behind the bar, expecting your bartender to maintain constant conversation in a crowded bar is not cool. Again, remember that bartending is a job, not a hobby. While it looks really fun (and it often is), it's also stressful and fast-paced. Don't be a needy customer who expects your bartender to be hanging on your every word when there's fifty other humans shouting their drink orders.

The mantra that the customer is always right does not apply to the bar. The bartender is always right because they have the booze. If you want access to the booze, you have to speak nicely to the bartender.

That being said, arguing with them is a bad idea. This is a sure fire way to piss them off and/or get yourself booted from the bar. Also, please stop complaining when we ask your I.D. Quit bitching, hand it over, and take it as a compliment. If they tell you to move down a stool, do so. Say yes, be nice, and don't talk back. You are not in charge and no one wants a fight at a bar, least of all the bartender.

Bars are so much fun! There are so many bottles with fun droppers, and twirly spoons, and containers full of pretty things, yes. But they are not for you to touch or taste.

Do not touch a bartenders tools, tinctures, or garnishes without asking. They are not sitting in front of patrons to serve as a fruit buffet. They are there so the bartender can quickly access them. Touching fresh cut fruit is a health department violation. It is also just down right rude.

If you need to put this into perspective, imagine a person walking into your office and playing with things on your desk. There is nothing wrong with being inquisitive, but ask before you touch. In a perfect world, patrons who put their fingers in the garnish would get their hands smacked.

"Oh you're cocktail menu looks great, will you just make something up for me? Whatever you want." What we want is for you to choose. We're not here to make your life decisions, we're here to make your drinks.

The trick to judging whether a request like this is appropriate, consider your venue. Bartenders working at a bar with an ambitious cocktail program will welcome a chance to get creative, while a bartender at primarily beer-dominated bar will likely be irritated. Understand the bar you are at, and proceed accordingly.

A good rule of thumb: If the bartender doesn't encourage you to do so, don't. In general, it's a super obnoxious request.

Bartenders hate stupid questions. If you have a menu in your hand, use it. The same goes for drafts and bottles displayed on the wall or taps that are clearly labeled. Look with your eyes and not with your mouth. Questions like "what beers do you have" or "what's your gin selection" can be maddening when all the information is readily available.

You have been provided with a guide (you know, that thing called a menu) for a reason; it's to make both the bartender's life and yours easier. If your respond to a bartender telling you they don't have something with "Seriously?" you should probably just walk out. Go get your bud light elsewhere.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with asking for a taste of something you are curious about. Maybe it's a new beer you've never tried, or a whisky outside of your usual label allegiance. A good bartender will happily acquiesce.

Not into the first pour? No problem. Want to try something else? Sure thing. Do it two more times? Now you're being crazy obnoxious. Whether you're seeking out something new, or are confused by a bar's offerings, trying more than three things without success is pushing the limit. Chances are the bartender has already gone out of his/her way by letting you taste, so try to act grateful. If you can't choose after two to three tries, go with an old standby, and stop being a high-maintenance pain in the ass.

Image Attribution: Image via nj.com

Once you actually get a barkeep's attention and order a drink, try not to promptly disappear into the foray of bodies. It's absolutely infuriating for a bartender to remember your order, make your drinks, only to have you dissappear.

Why would you see your drinks being made and still decide to walk away? Stick around and be visible, rather than angering your bartender and receiving water-downed drinks that have been left to die while the bartender attempts to find you. Saying, "I'll be right over there" does not make walking away acceptable. Go get your own drinks so he/she can help the next person.