Intro
It's here, the moment you've all been waiting for. Steven Seagal: Lawman, the A&E series in which the formerly ponytailed action star is deputized to ride around enforcing the law, is back. Your boy caught a case (more on that later) that halted production, but in early 2011 thirsty Phoenix Sheriff Joe Arpaio extended an invitation to Steven Seagal to bring his brand of justice from Jefferson Parish, La. to his county. Within no time Seagal's involvement in Phoenix law enforcement elicited more lawsuits and headlines.
With the show airing tonight at 10:30 p.m., we thought we'd do our civic duty with a countdown of 10 Reasons Phoenix May Regret Hosting Steven Seagal: Lawman.
Written by Frazier Tharpe (@The_SummerMan)
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Tank
10. He rides around in a tank.
The Seag has apparently been watching too much Breaking Bad. A cable education on how real shit can get in that area of the country is the only way to explain his latest exercise in overkill. The most controversial (and that's saying something) occurrence during filming for the upcoming Lawman season involved dude rolling up on a suspect's house in a SWAT tank. The suspect's alleged crime: cockfighting. So what does he bring when he's riding on you know, real felons? An RPG?
Harem
9. He allegedly has a harem.
That is, if you believe his disgruntled ex-assisstant (and former model) Kayden Nguyen. In her lawsuit against Seagal, she's claiming that Seagal wanted her to give him naked massages and join an elite team of women that are employed to make sure his "sexual needs are met 'round the clock." Somehwere there's a Phoenix girl rewatching Under Siege for the 20th time who's in danger of unwittingly filling Kayden's vacancy.
Musician
8. He fancies himself a musician.
No one should have to endure such a bizarre experience as listening to a song from Seagal's album, Songs From The Crystal Cave. Phoenix commerce and tourism is about to take a major hit when footage of this guy "crooning" in their bars hits the airwaves.
True Justice
7. It could lead to more True Justice.
Before Machete, Seagal hadn't graced a screen in nearly a decade. But last year he produced and starred in his own TV show, True Justice. Never heard of it? Good for you. The U.S. has gracefully been shielded from it so far, but Poland, Spain, and the U.K. were not so lucky.
Jefferson Parrish, Lawman's first home, got wise to the game. But Phoenix is only enabling the problems that come from televising Seagal's police escapades. Namely, more experience on the force may inspire the man to—gasp—produce a second season. And with added clout this one may find a broadcast at home in the States. The horror!
Seagal Enterprises
6. An influx of Seagal Enterprises products is assured.
You host the man, then you host his business, too. Seagal Enterprises boasts several branded products, because who wouldn't want to be just like Steven Seagal? Thankfully we haven't seen products like the aftershave "Scent of Action" or the elixir of Seagal, known as "Lighting Bolt" energy drink, anywhere near our local stores but can the Maricopa County mom-and-pop stores say the same? We wouldn't be surprised if the "lawman" is using the badge to hock his stuff in the greater Phoenix area.
Buddhism
5. He mumbles Buddhism at suspects.
Previous Lawman eps saw Seagal spouting zen quotes from his Buddhist teachings to suspects as he rounded them up, in the classic Steven Seagal gibberish slur voice no less. Citizens of a red state like Arizona are going to get fed up with that real quick.
Pets
4. He doesn't give a f*ck about your pet.
Despite his past work with PETA, it would seem that animal safety plays second fiddle to justice. The raid on the extremely deadly cockfighting HQ, which warranted him riding in a tank, led to 100 chickens being euthanized and—it gets worse—allegedly a puppy got shot in the melee. These are the costs of keeping the streets safe when Seagal's balancing the books of justice.
Immigration
3. He's not likely to calm the heated immigration debate.
Arizona is extremely anti-illegal immigrants, and Seagal's host sherriff Joe Arpaio is a big enforcer of that. Can you imagine the type of insensitive racial incident a guy linked to puppy deaths might stir up in that environment?
Joe Arpaio
Movies
1. Law enforcement is keeping Seagal from his true calling.
Between Grindhouse and Machete, Rob Rodriguez is owning this whole meta-so-bad-it's-good lane. And as his turn in Machete proved, Seagal's horrific acting skills make him a prime member of the troupe. He could be facing his Hollywod revival with similar roles, but laying down the law doesn't leave much time for frivolities like acting. Actually, better yet, thank you, Phoenix. Keep him away as long as you can.
