25 Ways You're Screwing Up Your New Job

These days, companies ride armies of interns, churning debt-crippled recent graduates like Bingo balls in a roll cage of free labor. Take advantage of America’s new Serfdom economy by acquiring an unpaid workhorse to get you coffee and donuts. Also, when you mess something up, interns are invaluable scapegoats. You’re welcome.

If you want to be taken seriously in a corporate environment, then you need to take style cues from Best Buy employees and country club dads on the golf course. Those guys have the perfect balance of swaggerless shill and unassuming bozo, mostly because their uniforms are mandated by swaggerless corporate shills and unassuming bozos. Before leaving the crib, ask yourself, “Is this LinkedIn appropriate?” If not, then it’s back to the drawing board.

When you start using phrases like "moving the needle," "knowledge acquisition," and "concrete measurable," then you’re gone forever. It's too late to save you, man, and you’re annoying everyone at the meeting. Unless you’re half cyborg, there’s no reason to talk like this.

The office is a place where bathrooms, kitchens, and circulating air are shared with reckless disregard. So, don’t stroll into work with a deadly strain of mad cow disease. Going to work is painful enough without the added burden of acquiring a virus.

This sounds basic, but it bears repeating: Don't stab anyone in the back and don't dog a co-worker to the boss. If everyone got along this way, the office would be a much nicer place to hang out at for nine hours a day. The CC snitch is someone who smears you in an email and, rather despicably, copies your boss in on the communication. You don’t be that guy.

The fastest way to lose the favor of cubicle row is to crank the Billboard Top 100 Spotify list from your company issued computer speakers. After playing three consecutive Taylor Swift joints, a dude from the marketing department will invade your cubicle and beat you into a coma with a keyboard. Keep the noise down and stay safe.

Trying to get through the rat race sober is like using free airport WiFi on a deadline. Meaning, you’re bound to go insane and hurt innocent people. Do the responsible thing and keep a bottle of whiskey stashed in an inconspicuous desk drawer. Besides taking the Monday morning edge off, it’s a great way to make friends.

The combined job-approval rating for this group is 9%—maybe. There’s no love for those who blow charging calls, exaggerate snowstorms, or cut Medicare. We all have bad days at the office, but no one gets roasted on YouTube, Twitter and the front page of the New York Times like these guys.

When co-workers don’t like you, it’s either because you blast Katy Perry at your desk all day, or because they’re saddled with doing your work. Being a ham-fisted idiot has its price, and it typically involves people copying your manager on every email.

No one asks a guy who just hit a home run if he’s new to baseball, or Paul McCartney if it’s his first concert. To be asked if it’s “your first day” is to be reminded that you have absolutely no idea what you’re doing.

If your presence turns your boss into Donald Trump after a 24-ounce Four Loko, chances are that he or she is not real hyped about your work. You should probably stay late this week and volunteer for next Saturday’s charity event.

Acts that elicit laps from your high school football coach will be universally frowned upon by HR, and that includes snapping a buddy’s bare ass with a twisted towel. Locker room hijinks are not welcome at the 9-5, and neither is being late.

If no one’s asking you to do stuff, it’s because they think you’ll mess it up. If you’re locked into a contract, then enjoy your two-hour lunch breaks and Angry Birds. But, if you’re living in an at-will employment state and your dad’s not the company CEO, then get ready to pack up your personal belongings and hit the bricks.

The social principles of the junior high lunchroom stay with you for life. You might not get shoved into a locker or have your pants pulled down in the hallway at work, but there’s definitely a societal hierarchy that some won’t be able to climb. If you’re not getting invited to meetings, it’s either because you’re incompetent or not cool enough. You can address the “coolness” thing by riding a road bike to work and popping a wheelie in the parking lot. Wearing wraparound sunglasses indoors is also a cool look. Good luck!

There’s a cost to having health insurance and it’s called being humiliated. You’ll have to deal with enraged clients and irritable managers, but being an adult is all about getting back up when you hit the floor. Or, if you’re a weak person, then huffing keyboard cleaner in the office supply closet is another great way to deal with the stress.

If you wanted sunshine, then you should’ve kept that hourly gig selling slushies at the miniature golf course, you fucking slacker. This is the real world and—if you want a 6% company match on your 401k and dental insurance—then you need to shut your trap and hunker down in that cubicle. You’re lucky to have a job in this economy.

Working in an office means adopting another language, one in which you speak in corporate jargon and engage in vapid small talk about “the weekend". The extent of your weekend plans might be “smoking a bowl and watching Shark Tank,” but you have to make something up about “trying that new sushi restaurant” or “running a 5k.” Don’t get caught looking like a loser.

Talking about your buddy’s bachelor party at the workplace is like discussing a crime without an attorney present. In other words: Everything you say will be used against you. Don’t get too comfortable because that story about butt chugging in the Four Seasons penthouse will result in a very uncomfortable visit to the HR department and two month’s worth of unpaid leave.

Typically, people who ask to “speak to a manager,” do so to snitch on bungling subordinates. If it’s a lady wearing a fur coat with a Yorkshire terrier in her Louis Vuitton bag, then she’s going to blitz your job like a trust-fund dependent linebacker. There’s nothing you can do to save yourself.

It’s 2014, which means all of your questionable life choices are fodder for the Internet. If you tweet some slander about your company or post a distasteful Halloween costume to Instagram, you’ll eventually retweet your way into America's already staggering unemployment pool.

Being a hard worker is cool and all, but to be a good employee, you just need people to think that you’re a good employee. Bully weaker co-workers during boardroom meetings by responding to all of their points with, “My only concern is…” followed by something not at all concerning. Also, mark half of your outgoing emails as “urgent” and always keep an application open on your computer. Follow these simple steps and you’ll have a corner office and stock options by October.

A real job with, like, a 401K and an email signature isn’t just a way to supplement your marijuana habit—it’s a lifestyle. Principally, it’s a lifestyle that requires you to wake up at 6:30 a.m.—every damn day—for the next four decades. If you’re mowing down noobs and screaming obscenities into a headset every night, then you’re not going to be ready for “urgent” emails and staff meetings. Grow up and get serious about life, son.

The quickest way to get burned out by a job is by moonlighting as a novelist or a screen writer. You’ll think you have a shot of escaping your lifetime sentence to a cubicle and—eventually—you’ll resent everything about the workplace. Then, you’ll probably get drunk at an office happy hour and start some beef with your manager. Now that you’re unemployed and have no way of paying your cell phone bill, you’ll realize that this whole screenplay thing was a bad idea from the jump. It’s called "the circle of life."

The office fridge is the corporate America equivalent to Vatican City. And, if you defy the sanctity of communal food storage, then you’re liable to have your hands cut off. Don’t use condiments that aren’t yours or leave expired yogurt in the crisper, unless you want someone from accounting to hurricane kick the teeth out of your skull.

Your business is wholeheartedly appreciated, but that dude in the corner office isn’t paying you to gawk at WorldStar knockout compilations. For every minute you spend scrolling a GIF gallery, devote 30 seconds to follow-up emails and spreadsheets. That's a healthy work-life balance.