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Strip club crimes have given us headlines both ridiculous (Couple Mistakes Police Station For Strip Club) and tragic (Man Paralyzed By Crazy Horse Too Bouncers).
Somewhere in between lies an amusing mass of crimes you might not have read about, and can't even understand. Yes, urinal slaughters and assault by breast milk can happen. No, we can't explain.
The following stories are some of the most outrageous crimes that have ever occurred within five feet of a stripper pole, including one that was eventually adjudicated on the People's Court by Ed Koch.
Think before you touch: The 15 Stupidest Strip Club Crimes.
Written by Bubbles Burbujas (@StripperTweets), a career stripper who hopes her boss doesn't find out about her writing work.
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15. Urinal Fatally Shot
Date: October 22, 2010
21-year-old Jason Pietrzak fired a .45-caliber Beretta into a urinal at Whispers Gentleman's Club in Williston, ND. Perhaps it was coming right at him? Pietrzak was booked for vandalism and discharging a firearm within city limits, pled guilty and was fined $32, given a 30-day suspended sentence, and two years' probation.
14. The Only Crack We Have Here Is Butt
Date: February 12, 2012
On $10 dance night at XTC in Austin, Ricardo Luna received a lap dance, then tried to pay a dancer with crack cocaine. She declined the offer, and as Luna was being escorted from the premises, he kicked security guards. When deputies arrived to arrest Luna, they had to bind his legs with a tarp before putting him in their patrol vehicle.
13. Tax Evasion Via Tackle Box
Date: July 17, 2011
A federal investigation into the finances of a Queens strip club owner led to the discovery of cash throughout Gallaghers 2000, hidden in places including a broken refrigerator, tackle boxes, and in the club's rafters. Owner Robert Potenza said that despite this—and his habit of keeping cash deposits just under the five-figure amount that would trigger federal reporting—he was honest and the feds just “didn't seem like they knew much about my business.”
12. Illegal Tender
Date: October 24, 2012
Johnny Zukle, owner of Portland's vegan strip club Casa Diablo, had the brilliant idea to dye $2 bills red as advertisement for his club. Dancers were unamused when their banks refused to deposit or exchange the defaced currency, and the Federal Reserve felt similarly. The Secret Service began investigating Zukle and was preparing to file criminal charges last fall. Zukle's defense was that defacing the bills was protected free speech.
11. Topless Latte
Date: July 30, 2003
David Buhler, a customer at Michigan strip club The Schoolhouse, claimed a dancer intentionally squirted him in the face with breast milk and complained to the local police department. The dancer responded by filing sexual assault charges against him, telling police he grabbed her breast during a lapdance, whereupon breast milk dripped from her nipple. Either way, a value-added experience.
10. No Refunds When You Use Your Black Card, Either
Date: October 22, 2003
Savvis CEO Robert McCormick was sued by American Express for refusing to pay a tab from Scores, claiming it was grossly inflated. It was pretty big—six figures big. But, as Elisabeth Eaves pointed out, “A reasonably priced lap dance is not a right.”
9. Cleavage and Whiplash
Date: June 1998
Physical therapist Paul Shimkonis sued a Clearwater, FL strip club, claiming that feature dancer Tawny Peaks gave him whiplash by motorboating him with her 69HH implants. The case was eventually adjudicated in Peaks' favor by Ed Koch on the People's Court.
8. “Twerk Doctor” Is Not A Medical Degree
Date: July 12, 2012
Kimberly Smedley gave illegal buttocks enhancement injections to strippers all across the East Coast, banking over a million dollars, in $500 to $600 increments. Dancers paid Smedley to inject them with non-medical grade silicone and Smedley would close injection sites with Super Glue. But when one of her “patients” fell ill and led investigators to Smedley, she was arrested and later sentenced to three years in prison.
7. Hot Irony
Date: May 31, 2011
There's nothing funny about what Louisville's Laura Diprimo and Thomas Lee did. The couple went to the local Deja Vu, leaving their infant in the parking lot alone inside a hot car. EMS workers found the child was ultimately unharmed. To add insult to almost-injury, while being driven to the police station, Lee complained about the heat in the back of the patrol car.
6. No Refunds On Making It Rain
Date: February 19, 2007
Then-Tennessee Titans cornerback Pacman Jones had a serious misunderstanding during the 2007 NBA All-Star Weekend in Las Vegas. While partying at Minxx, Jones threw stacks of money for, he later claimed, “visual effect,” and became upset when dancers started collecting the money from the stage and floor. For those unfamiliar with strip club protocol, once the money hits the stage, stripper, or floor, it's hers. Jones claimed the money was still his, and a parking lot fight and shooting followed. Jones was later ordered to pay over $11 million in damages from the incident.
5. Hands Off The Heifers
Date: January 23, 2009
Neighbors of Marshfield, WI strip club The Rear End installed cameras after noticing footprints and tire tracks on their land when they would wake up in the morning. Turns out that Harold Hart, a regular patron of the bar, had been stopping at their farms to gratify himself using their cattle. According to the official complaint, Hart told officers “he never had sex with animals while maintaining a relationship.”
4. Officer Raincoat Charlie
Date: March 4, 2010
One single FBI agent spent over $16,000 on lapdances in Seattle, WA while investigating the Colacurcio family, the operators of several area strip clubs. He purchased more than 130 private dances and made a grand total of zero arrests. Eventually several strip clubs closed and the Colacurcios disappeared from the business, there's no word as to whether this agent was ever made to face charges of using taxpayer money for gratuitous zipper polishing.
3. No, Really, NO REFUNDS
Date: June 2, 2012
21-year-old Trevor Jessup was arrested at Pandora's Box in Palmetto, FL, after he tried to take money out of a stripper's purse. Jessup was dissatisfied with his lapdancees, and apparently didn't know that satisfaction was not guaranteed.
2. No Cats, No Service
Date: June 5, 2012
When refused entry into Murdock, FL strip club Emerald City, Everett Robert sat down in the club's parking lot and repeatedly called 911. When deputies arrived, the clubowner explained he refused to let Robert in because he insisted on bringing in his cat. Robert was arrested and according to the sherriff's office, “Animal Control was called to pick up the kitten and is now safe and sound.”
1. Sit On It, Don't Crush It
Date: November 2010
Bachelor dances at most strip clubs are not polite affairs, usually involving roasting by the DJ, spankings by the strippers, and possible destruction of the groom-to-be's clothing. But one Philadelphia man suffered more than most. Patrick Gallagher filed a suit claiming that while on stage at the Penthouse club in Philadelphia, a dancer slid down a pole so quickly that his bladder was ruptured by the force when she landed on his lap. Gallagher waiting nearly two years to file the suit, however, so it's possible other bachelor party hijinks were to blame.
