10 Stupid Mistakes Guys Make When Trying to Pick Up Girls

If you think you can "like" and RT your way to a woman's heart, fire a staple gun into your foot right now. Thumbs up-ing "Natalie is now listed as single" is akin to hollering at a girl from the passenger side window of a moving car. It's an effortless way to devalue yourself publicly and an invitation to have your ass beat by Natalie's love scorned ex. If this shit works, then congratulations you and your new squeeze have the most pathetic "How did you two meet?" story ever. If it doesn't work (and it won't), this lazy gesture will repel every girl in your network.

We've all had those moments of vulnerability, typically after three too many Lime-a-Ritas, where we breakdown and text Jagged Edge lyrics to a sweetie we've been tirelessly poking on Facebook. Even the best fall down sometimes, but keep that fuckery to a minimum. If you mass text "Heyy ma, what r u up 2?" to every girl in your iPhone at 12:30 a.m., you'll wake up the next morning afternoon with zero prospects. You're not sneaky or unassuming, girls absolutely know what you're up to and, yes, they talk about it amongst themselves. Developing a reputation for this kind of technology-based thirst is the playboy equivalent of shooting yourself in the crank, and that anatomical substitution was totally intentional.

There are certain environments that cripple your game, so you'd be wise to ease off in particular situations. As a general rule, girls at the gym are not interested in a free power clean lesson from some doofus in a form-fitting Under Armour ensemble. The subway is another naturally threatening place, so maybe don't close talk a chick about last night's America's Got Talent during your morning work commute. Attempting to squash your permeating stench of a loser by bum rushing every girl you come across is a bad look. Thirst begets thirst and you’re about to die of dehydration.

When a girl's taking 13 selfies a day, you don't need to tell her she's hot. She knows and, in case she's forgotten, you're the 59th tool to remind her today. The overarching problem is that you're a stranger and by telling boo that she's "the most gorgeous girl on Earth," you've pigeonholed yourself as another one of those dudes. Your name is on an expansive list of faceless males that will never copulate, ever. We don't know if she'll smile or ignore you, but we do know that she's reserved a plot for you in the jackass guy graveyard. R.I.P.

Rattling off every attractive detail of your charmed life will make you look like an overcompensating dickhead. By contrast, drilling a girl with a full clip of questions will make her feel like she's at an interview for a job that she doesn't even want. This might sound totally uninspired, but just have a real ass conversation like an adult. Find out what she's interested in, share a bit about yourself, and see if you two have that Ice-T and Coco chemistry.

If you rely on the artificial confidence derived from chasing Fireball shots with rails of coke, you probably have a lower batting average than Adam Dunn. You're not going to blind a woman to your personality's shortcomings if your breath smells like Smirnoff Watermelon Twist and Chipotle. It's impossible. Peeing in a urinal straight becomes an Ironman-like challenge when you're wasted; so don't even think about spittin’ game. Girls are looking for the type of guy they can have a kid with, not a goofball who gracelessly thrashes about the dance floor to "Blurred Lines" before giving every sweetie in the club a slurred rundown of their CrossFit workout. Sip with caution, Romeo.

Women who are paid to look hot get hit on all the time, so don't roll up on a restaurant hostess with your non-iron Trump Collection shirt and expect anything to pop off. You might be relaxed whilst rolling on molly at Club Enveee, but the chick carrying the sparkler-adorned bottle of Grey Goose is at the office. Remember that. If the Taco Bell x KFC hybrid you work at blasted dubstep remixes of Ellie Goulding songs all night long, you'd be easily irritated too. Do yourself (and these women) a favor and let them live. Quite frankly, a distant self-assuredness is your only move anyway. In a club full of cologne soaked tools, your ability to remain respectful will appear all the more endearing.

Girls are not a thing to figure out. They're not a puzzle to solve or Rubik's Cube of confused sexual feelings to snap into place. They're just like you, except more into Emma Stone movies and Instagram-ing pictures of brunch. Sure, you can help yourself out by capping an unyielding enthusiasm for fantasy football and sporting a cardigan from, like, Club Monaco, or whatever. But, ultimately, the best thing you can do is be a decent human being. That's it. Now get off the internet for 15 minutes and do some cardio. The first day of the rest of your lady-killer life begins right now. If you follow our advice, you'll have a pair of divorces and an incurable venereal disease by 2023. You're welcome.