Holiday Mixer: What Your Drink at the Office Party Says About You

At the office holiday party, you get to see all the people you spend all day not getting to know. Don't worry, there's no need to make friends. Just pay attention to what they drink. You'll learn everything about who they are without having to fake the pleasantries. Happy New Year!

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1 part gin
1 part scotch, blended or otherwise

The lifeblood of the defeated personal assistant. For those days when you decide punching out doesn’t matter—from the job, from life, from whatever. It’s just that those days have become decades.

1 part mulled red wine
1/2 part club soda

Oh, you come into work wearing an ascot, a blazer, a button down, and rolled pants? Fix yourself a mulled wine spritzer and start to pontificate, you smug fuck.

1 part coke
1 part tonic water
1 part cranberry

You’re so straight-laced you didn’t realize there was a connection between fun and alcohol. Fun was something the other kids did in grade school while you prepped for the CPA exam. Now you’ve made it; you’re a real accountant with real crushing banality.

1 part vodka
1 parts peach schnapps
1 part red toner
4 parts desperation

You need a promotion so badly you’ve forgotten what dignity is, and whatever you might accidentally have left you’re going to give away after one or two of these. Shame and the next six months rent, here you come.