Historical Figures We Want to Get Turnt Up With

"If you could have a beer with any historical figure, who would it be?"

It's a time honored, road trip hypothetical that's been explored ad nauseam. And, quite frankly, we think the proposition is a bit flawed. If you're truly interested in understanding the psyche of society's transcendent figures, you can't just sip draft beer at Bennigan's and expect to learn something.

Instead, you have to funnel a six-pack with the archived character of your choice, slam a 24-ounce Monster Energy drink and hit the town Wheels. Fucking. Squealing. With that in mind, we've gathered some of the most epic personalities in history for a hypothetical, regret-soaked night out. So set aside, like, $10,000 for bail and get ready to show out with these 10 Historical Figures We Want to Get Turnt Up With.

Written by Sean Evans (@seanseaevans)

Famous: 26th President of the United States
Lived: 1858-1919
Also in the crew: Michelle Rodriguez, Bruce Willis, and Jason Statham

Saturday night snapshot: We sit down for dinner at Gibson's Steakhouse. Teddy crushes two whole baked Maine lobsters, an 8-ounce Angus Filet, and a baked potato with all the fixings. Afterwards, we hit a sports bar for the Giants game, and this guy starts housing Samuel Adams Octoberfest by the pitcher.

Victor Cruz drops an easy third down conversion late in the fourth quarter, and The Bull Moose goes on a roaring, expletive-laden rant against the G-Men. A 6-foot-4-inch, 255-pound bouncer approaches him from behind and tells him to, "cool it." Without warning, Teddy sweeps his legs, throws him in a suffocating headlock, and implies something unspeakably distasteful about the guy's mother. We plead with him to chill out, but it's too late. Teddy puts the guy to sleep, while onlookers scream, "Worldstar!" and document the event on their iPhones.

Claim to fame: Actress
Lived: 1926-1962
Also in the crew: Rihanna, Kate Upton, and Angelina Jolie

Saturday night snapshot: Marilyn shows up to the bottle service table two hours later than expected. She's impeccably put together, but reeks of Chanel No. 5 perfume and Winston Cigarettes. She orders a Moet & Chandon's Nebuchadnezzar, pours five glasses, and promptly proclaims the club, "a bore."

We pile into her 1950 Pontiac Chieftain. She screams through the streets of Manhattan at double the speed limit. We try to look cool because Rihanna's Instagram-ing bong hits and Kate Upton's drunkenly slurring the words to "We Can't Stop" on the radio, but deep down we're fearful for our lives. Marilyn finally slams the brakes outside of Rick's Cabaret, and everything is a blur from there. A beautiful blur.

Claim to fame: Seventh President of the United States
Lived: 1767-1845
Also in the crew: Rob Gronkowski, Snoop Dogg, and Zach Galifianakis

Saturday night snapshot: We walk into a house party. Jackson brazenly carries a Spanish lock belt pistol on his hip, and people are clearly uneasy about the cavalier nature with which he displays his firearm. However, after a spirited game of flip cup, the room warms up to our volatile, silver haired friend.

"This is weak shit," Jackson says of the party, "I used to throw ragers in the White House with 20,000 guests."

"Stop lying." we say.

"For real, though." *rips a three-foot bong hit of synthetic marijuana* "I'm talking a line of beau-nasty blue stockings out the door, cus. I chugged old hock 'til I was bung upwards. Yah feel me?"

Claim to fame: Writer
Lived: 1854-1900
Also in the crew: Russell Brand, Terry Richardson, and Lady Gaga

Saturday night snapshot: We grab a table at one of those exclusive basement bar joints that requires a password for entry. Oscar Wilde hasn't said a word all night. He's just tweeting feverishly, slamming German white wine mixed with seltzer water, and acting like a passive aggressive dick about everything. Just when we're ready to call the night a bust, a dubstep remix of "Wrecking Ball" comes on and Wilde goes absolutely bananas. He stands up on the table and declares it, "a sound to be loved, not understood!" Sweating through his velvet blazer, he dances like Robyn on bath salts.

Claim to fame: Musician
Lived: 1942-1970
Also in the crew: Yeezus, Dave Grohl, and Kobe Bryant

Saturday night spotlight: After a few hours at the hookah lounge, we stop for drinks at a bar with vintage arcade games. Jimi gets hooked on a Jurassic Park themed pinball machine. He's intensely focused on the game, and sweating from the face like Patrick Ewing at the free-throw line. His fingers move like he's playing "Crosstown Traffic" without a pick.

"Jimi, you need a beer?" we ask.

All of his attention is on the game, it's like we don't even exist. The machine starts smoking and eventually shorts out, but not before Jimi records the high score.

"Righteous," he says while doing an Usher sideways moonwalk.

Claim to fame: 35th President of the United States
Lived: 1917-1963
Also in the crew: Denzel Washington, Tony Bennett, and Jack Nicholson

Saturday night snapshot: We expect JFK to invite us somewhere exclusive, but he wants us to meet him at the batting cages for "a couple of swings before we go out." We show up, and the guy is smashing screaming line drives up the middle with every hack. The self-assuredness of this dude is palpable. He's all the bravado you'd expect from a guy that cheated on Jackie Kennedy Onassis with Marilyn Monroe. The last pitch of his set comes, he gives a leg kick, and cuts the dimpled ball like a mid-90's slugger on buffalo steroids.

He takes off his helmet and sips a Makers Mark on the rocks. "Gorgeous," he nods to the busty coed at the cash register, "mind grabbing these flutter bums a round of foamers? On my tab, of course."

"What's the plan, John?" we ask.

"Looney Tunes." he responds.

"Like, Buggs Bunny?" we ask.

"Kind of," he says as he pulls a stamp book of LSD tabs out of his pocket.

Claim to fame: Leader of the Russian Empire (1762-1796)
Lived: 1729-1796
Also in the crew: Nicki Minaj, Sofia Vergara, and Beyonce

Saturday night spotlight: A lot of starletts claim that "queen bee" title, but few are willing to *cough* allegedly *cough* mastermind a coup in order to claim the throne. Like, Lady Gaga and Nicki Minaj have a lot of nerve asserting royalty when they haven't even beheaded an underling or mobilized an army yet.

Anyway, we're on the rooftop of a luxury condominium complex in Miami. Everyone is wearing bikinis and dolphin shorts, except for Catherine the Great. She's wearing a full coronation gown, naturally. Armed with a Super Soaker full of Ciroc Vodka, she blasts cabana boys and flagrantly runs afoul of the pool's "no smoking" rule. The property manager comes out to have a word with her, but Catherine banishes him to the Fairchild Tropical Botanic Garden.

Claim to fame: Actor
Lived: 1931-1955
Also in the crew: Leonardo DiCaprio, Zoe Saldana, and Derek Jeter

Saturday night snapshot: We've been out for hours. The night began with courtside seats at Madison Square Garden and now we're eating 3 a.m. pizza with a handful of Knicks City Dancers. Dean can do more with a bruting stare than most guys can do with a Piaget watch and stock options. This guy doesn't talk a lot, but it's awesome when he does. The dude speaks entirely in Instagram captions.

"Dream as if you'll live forever. Live as if you'll die today," he says.

"Whoa. You have, like, a million of those, huh?" we respond.

He nods, "Only the gentle are really strong—" he concludes before vomiting his bar tab and half a slice of deep dish on the sidewalk.

Claim to fame: Founding Father/printer/inventor
Lived: 1706-1790
Also in the crew: French Montana, Floyd Mayweather, and Sasha Grey

Saturday night spotlight: It's NBA All-Star weekend in New Orleans, and Benjamin Franklin isn't letting a mild case of gout get between him and the cognac. Poor Richard is the life of the party on Bourbon Street, but he's astonishingly cheap. There's nothing hyperbolic about his "a penny saved is a penny earned," proverb. He's one of those guys that just shows up when you're buying a round, but never reciprocates.

Claim to fame: French emperor/military leader
Lived: 1769-1821
Also in the crew: P. Diddy, Donald Trump, and Alex Rodriguez

Saturday night snapshot: We walk up to the club, but the bouncer turns us away. Apparently, Napoleon's knee-high boots and military jacket violate dress code. But this is a guy that led the French army through the Alps (plus, he's peaking on an irresponsible amount of 5-Hour Energy), so he doesn't give up without a fight.

"Adzooks, my peevish fellow!" he says to the earpiece adorned door guy. "I promise a thrashing with my belt's end, you pudding-bellied chamberpot."

"Yo, this little guy is crazy," the door guy responds. "How many in your party?"