10 U.S. Cities That Deserve a Major Sports Team

Population: est. 589,000
Population of metropolitan area: 1,950,000+
Hypothetical team name: Las Vegas Outcalls (NBA)

Out of all the cities on this list, Las Vegas has the greatest potential to be an absolute cash cow in the sports world. This city could fill three stadiums a night with the convention attendance alone. Bozos like Carrot Top, David Copperfield, and Criss Angel sell out on the nightly, so an NBA team would bank harder than a Tim Duncan jump shot from 12 feet out. If a city can support eight different adaptations of Cirque du Soleil, then it can support a major professional sports team. Thems the rules.

The knock on Las Vegas has always been its pervasive gambling, but let's chill with the sanctimonious quips. Your favorite baseball player is on grizzly bear testosterone and the quarterback for you local football team is hemorrhaging from the brain right now. Let’s stop pretending that sports transcend entertainment and put a team in Vegas already.

Population: est. 415,000
Population of metropolitan area: 900,000+
Hypothetical team name: Nebraska Cow Farts (MLB)

Nebraska is an untapped source of pure sports enthusiasm. As Alaska's Arctic National Wildlife Refuge is to oil, Nebraskans are to spilling nacho cheese on their t-shirt jerseys and drop-kicking their coffee tables in half after a false start penalty. Lincoln—which supports University of Nebraska athletics like Rob Kardashian backs pie filling—is only an hour away, so there's an additional, tested sports market in the area. Sure, there are larger cities without teams, but few as deserving as Omaha.

Population: est. 820,000
Population of metropolitan area: 1,800,000+
Hypothetical team name: Austin B-Sides (NHL)

Don't give us that bull about a professional sports team being unable to compete with the Longhorns. There are plenty of major college programs that share drive markets with pro teams, and Austin is dynamic enough to be polyamorous. While nearby San Antonio puts the kibosh on NBA expansion, Texas' capital might have tremendous upside in the NHL or MLB. With the city's edge, we see the greatest potential in a hockey team full of enforcers and a carefully curated stadium soundtrack.

Population: est. 242,600
Population of metropolitan area: 1,700,000+
Hypothetical team name: Virginia Drone Strikes

Toby Keith notwithstanding, no one panders to the military quite like the NFL. If league officials want to put their money where their mouth guards are, then they'll push harder to place a team in Norfolk. The city has a gigantic military presence and a large enough market to support a team. However, Norfolk is in no position to build a publicly funded stadium, which is why Virginians haven't had much to root for since the American Revolution.

Population: est. 597,000
Population of metropolitan area: 1,300,000+
Hypothetical team name: Kentucky Snuff Pouches (NBA) or Louisville Sluggers (MLB)

The market's a bit competitive for the NFL, but Louisville's capable of supporting either an MLB or NBA team. In fact, the state's college basketball programs turn out so many NBA stars that you could make a title contender exclusively out of homegrown talent. If Louisville's local government whored itself out for a stadium, it'd probably have a major professional sports team already *cough* Louisville Hornets *cough*. That said, the city has a thriving business community and boasts a largely untapped market. If a team ever relocated to Louisville, they'd likely find a happy home.

Population: est. 124,800
Population of metropolitan area: 1,143,000+
Hypothetical team name: Hartford Whalers (NHL)

Hartford's a natural fit for a sports team because it has enormous television market potential, a large metropolitan area, and—perhaps most importantly—a populous of inbred aristocrats. As the costs of attending a major professional sports game continue to skyrocket, expanding leagues will have no choice but to look at area wealth as a determining factor. Hartford has passionate hockey fans that miss their Whalers, and pockets that are deep enough to keep the corporate suites full.

Population: est. 122,689
Population of metropolitan area: 700,000
Hypothetical team name: South Carolina Sand Traps (NFL)

We'd hate to interrupt the city's understated charm, but how badass would an NFL stadium look on the harbor? Charleston is like a retirement community for people who are in their early 30s. It's the ideal setting for a romantic comedy where Dave Franco and Minka Kelly fade to black while smashing on Kiawah Beach. The only thing that this place is missing is a stadium full of medical students roaringly drunk on elegantly garnished cocktails. Charleston needs a team, and we need a job at the local paper so we can cover games.

Population: est. 552,804
Population of metropolitan area: 900,000+
Hypothetical team name: Albuquerque Contact (NBA)

Albuquerque might be a decade or two away from landing a major professional sports team, but it will happen. There are other cities on this list that are in a better position to draw TV ratings or build a stadium right now, but the Albuquerque area is growing at a pretty incredible rate and the University of New Mexico's recent athletic renaissance could do a lot to develop facilities in the area. Also, the stadium could be nicknamed "Area 51" and the marketing potential of an alien-themed uniform is a capitalist's dream.

Population: est. 212,000
Population of metropolitan area: 1,136,000+
Hypothetical team name: Alabama Mud Flaps

Some might argue that Alabama's allegiance is split between the Tide and the War Eagle in a way that makes loving a new team impossible. Ridiculous. High school football teams in the Birmingham area have nicer facilities than the Miami Dolphins, and more impassioned fan bases than the Jacksonville Jaguars. OK, we kid, but just a little. Alabama shuts down on college football Saturday and, if the league ever relocated a team to The Yellowhammer State, weekends in the fall would sound like nothing but whistles and hard counts.

Population: est. 210,000
Population of metropolitan area: 615,000+
Hypothetical team name: Idaho Mountain Men

Boise has no business on this list, mostly because it's so damn small. But Green Bay's pretty tiny too, and those lunatic fans will roundhouse kick you in the face if you hit up Lambeau Field in a Jay Cutler jersey. Sometimes you just have to believe in the heart of a city and Boise is a ride-or-die place. Attention NFL owners: move to a city with residents that carry crossbows on their person at all times. Those are the kinds of people that will fill the stadium during losing seasons and keep the talk radio fuckery to a minimum. You're welcome.