Image via Complex Original
The economy is in the toilet, companies aren't hiring but, thankfully, we all have iPhones! Every TV show is a star search, recent grads are living with their parents, and Snooki has a tax return that would make you want to put a fork through your foot. It's a perfect storm of free time, instant stardom and incentivizing dog shit that's led legions of untalented people to go for their dreams—really go for them!
Are you one of those people? Are you that guy? If you're not sure, we've provided ten signs of your hopelessness in an easy to consume, ten slide format. Enjoy!
You Want to be a Dancer
Why you think it'll work: The music moves you. The only time you feel free is when you're imitating the mechanical movements of a robot or spinning on your elbow to DJ Webstar.
Why it won't: Remember the dancing in TLC’s “Creep” video? That used to be cutting edge. Now, everyone’s a contortionist/gymnast with a Michael Jordan-like vertical. There’s a national shortage of kidney donors but with all talent searches and TV shows centered on discovering dance crews you’d think people were dying for lack of turfing.
The problem with being a dancer is even if you make it, you don’t really make it. It’s got to be the hardest, most competitive and, simultaneously, thankless job. Athletically, it’s incredible. We're not sure how much practice these crews are doing, but judging by these freaks on America's Got Talent, there's no way they have jobs. If you’re talented enough to share the stage with Rihanna or, god forbid, Flo-Rida, you’ll pull in about $400 a show.
You Spit
Why you think it'll work: Chief Keef rhymed “like” “fight” and “night” for twenty-four straight bars and got Kanye on the remix. You could do that too, easily. Lil’ B is one of the most hype guys in the genre, but “Hoes on my dick cause I look like Jesus” is maybe the dumbest sentence ever spoken. We don’t blame you for thinking you could make it as a rapper. If 2 Chainz is worth $100K a verse, you're probably worth at least $55K.
Why it won't: Drake actually brags about selling 600K records like it’s some sort of unattainable milestone, but back in ’96 we called those “Ben Folds Five numbers.” That’s not a shot at Drake—nobody needs that guy smashing a bottle of Rose’ over anyone's head. It’s a testament to how little money there is right now in selling music. The guys with staying power have Sprite deals, design shoes, and own basketball teams. In other words, they need supplemental income to subsidize their spitting. It's a vehicle for brand building. The real money isn't in the art.
Your Mom is Your Manager
Why you think it'll work: Being a stage mom is easier than ever. You can start commanding your kid’s career at birth. Forget acting classes, voice lessons, and auditions, all you need is a flip cam and Wi-Fi.
Why it won't: See how well your mom handles her Facebook page? You sure you want to hand the keys to your career over to her? Moms, when left to their own devices, can do some crazy shit. Take for example, Matty B.
Matty B seems like a nice kid and, at eight-years-old—I’m sure he pulls wayyyy better than we do. But even for a Caucasian third-grader he’s a pretty bad rapper and, like all little kids that know they’re cute, he’s totally insufferable. Oh, cool, your hat has your name on it? Tell me more.
But this isn’t about Matty B. This is about the group of adults ruthlessly marketing their talentless kid because they wish they were Justin Bieber’s parents. When Matty starts going by “Matt” and realizes what’s going on here, he’s going to punch his mom in the face and there’s not a court in the land that’ll convict him. High school is hard enough when you don’t have falsetto covers of “Boyfriend” on the Internet.
You Dream of Olympic Gold
Why you think it'll work: You're a driven person, hard working, and at the top of your sport. All you're missing is validation and nothing proves an athlete like Olympic gold.
Why it won't: Every four years, Americans pretend to care about swimming and gymnastics. It's fun. If you didn't fall in love with that Gabby Douglas girl, have your head checked. You're a monster.
But unless you're Michael Phelps, a gymnast, or a sprinter, nobody cares. Have you ever heard of Kristin Armstrong? Nope? She's a gold medal cyclist, show some respect! Christian Taylor? C'mon, dude can triple jump his ass off!
These athletes train tirelessly, most are amateurs, and there's rarely an endorsement deal for the champions. Then, the United States taxes the $25K in gold medal earnings on the very people sacrificing to represent our country. Is being the best trampoline jumper in the world worth all that?
You Spin
Why you think it'll work: You like to party. You like music. You know how to press play on your laptop.
Why it won't: The DJ market is the most saturated in music. Dance songs have dubstep remixes of mash-ups that some DJ club edited. Why? Because every loser with a pirated copy of Fruity Loops Signature has imposed themselves on the scene.
Using a laptop used to be frowned upon in clubs, now it's the norm. Since the ability to start a playlist miraculously grants a free pass to hump Eastern European babes with glitter on their cleavage, everybody wants to be a DJ. We don't blame them, that sounds like a pretty good job perk. Unfortunately, it's the only job perk.
You've Been Hired... as an Intern... Again.
Why you think it'll work: You're young and desperate to start your career. Or, you've been recently laid off and need to readjust your professional path. Either way, you need a foot in the door.
Why it won't: There's no such thing as entry level. Companies ride an army of interns, churning debt-crippled recent grads like bingo balls in an ever spinning cage. It's a black hole of unpaid jobs replacing paid positions, which creates an even more crowded job market with fewer jobs.
Keep your eyes open, don't take anything for granted, and if those slave drivers don't hire you, report them to the Department of Labor. They only investigate companies that draw complaints. Learning to be a not-to-be-fucked-with hardass is the first step in becoming a tycoon.
[Ed. note—The last nugget of advice was given by a freelance writer who, at 26-years-old, still does not pay his own cell phone bill.]
You Won American Idol
Why you think it'll work: Your karaoke chops are unmatched. During your passionate renditions of Billy Joel's "We Didn't Start the Fire" there's rarely a dry eye at the bar.
Why it won't: Idol winners go from standing in the rain outside the Staples Center, to being crowned the next big thing in music over a six month period. That's as easy a road to stardom as any.
Hardened musicians spend years in empty clubs, hustling a demo and slumming it at open mic nights. American Idol contestants, on the other hand, sing well for a couple months and land a record deal. Not surprisingly, pretty much all of them fail. If there were ever a case for hard work and patience, it’s the immediate gratification of winning a realty show.
You're an Amateur MMA Fighter
Why you think it'll work: The easiest way to be the best at something is to do something that nobody else does. You want to be the best fencer in your high school? Take one fencing class. Done.
Ten years ago MMA was a fringe sport novelty. Anyone with a wrestling background, boxing trainer, and pretty incredible pain tolerance could compete. Or, at the very least, know enough about footwork and shifting body weight to scrap with a hobo on bath salts.
Why it won't: Now, nine-year-old kids spend their weekends in meat lockers, practicing guillotine holds and getting tribal tattoos around their belly buttons. Everybody is a trained fighter and even the pussies do Cross Fit. Starting a drunken bar fight these days is a potentially lethal display of machismo.
Having your face caved in by an Armenian guy in compression shorts is a tough way to make a living. Kimbo Slice was the baddest dude on the Internet until he spent 30 seconds in the cage. Now, he gets called out by every spray-tanned jack-off in an Affliction t-shirt and he's way more badass than you are.
You Think There's a Future in Stand-Up
Why you think it'll work: You think you see the world in a different way. You have a way with words. You heard that Kevin James bum makes $400K per episode of King of Queens and you deserve some of that syndication money.
Why it won't: The traditional method of touring comedy clubs is dead. So, there's that. If you go the webseries/viral video route it's a long play. Those Workaholics guys were life imitating art for years. Louis CK grinded for almost two decades before finding any real success and that guy's really funny. You're probably not that funny, you're just playing the odds.
You're Actually Talented
Why you think it'll work: You're blessed with ability, you're determined, and your work ethic is off the charts. Dammit, you have a dream!
Why it won't: Have you looked around lately? Kim Kardashian's famous for blowing Brandy's brother. Snooki's famous for funneling beers on the beach. Tim Tebow is the most talked about quarterback in the NFL and he throws like the Tanning Mom looks. That's how you make it, with beer bongs, hype, and webcams. So, stop trying so hard.
