Image via Complex Original
The word "ratchet" may be played out, but until the Internet agrees upon a more accurate description for these crimes, it will have to do. These stories are sad, imaginative, and they inspire us to have conversations about race, class, and the American dream.
This week's roundup includes a naughty beach couple, raging beauty-shop customers, and drug smuggling school principals. Each crime is rated on our Ratchet Meter, a base-10 logarithmic scale modeled after a similar system developed by Charles Richter—except that the Ratchet Meter has nothing to do with science because it's not actually a real thing.
Read on for the best of the worst ratchet crimes in America. Proceed with caution, stay safe, don't try this at home, and send your tips to [email protected].
And for your viewing pleasure, here's the latest episode of Ratchet News Network with The Kid Mero:
RNN: Ratchet News Network
Florida Woman Arrested for Stabbing Man Because Who Declined Sex
Date: 8/12/2014
Location: Fort Pierce, Fla.
Crime: Felony Battery
Ratchet Meter: 5
Authorities in Florida arrested a woman for stabbing a man in the neck after he refused sex with her.
The Smoking Gun reports that Shakieria Anquanette Shan Long, 22, was at a cookout in Fort Pierce, Fla. with friends on Aug. 12 when she began arguing with 32-year-old Eugene Sylvester. The root of the argument? Long wanted to have sex with Sylvester, who brushed her off. According to a witness, Sylvester told Long to “go back where she had been all day and have sex.” Ouch.
Long, who reportedly babysat Sylvester's children, then proceeded to follow him into a room where she plunged a fork into his neck. The witness attempted to apply pressure to the wound while walking Sylvester home, but Long continued her attack, punching him in the face.
Sylvester told authorities that he shrugged off Long's advances because she was too drunk. Stitches were needed to close the wound to his neck. Though he didn't want to press charges against Long, she was charged with felony battery and remains in a St. Lucie County jail cell because this incident violated her bond stemming from a June arrest.—Julian Kimble
Siblings Arrested for Church Parking Lot Sex Inspired by “The Notebook”
Date: 8/26/2014
Location: Effingham County, Ga
Crime: Prowling, sodomy, and incest
Ratchet Meter: 6
Two siblings were arrested after confessing to having sex inside of a tractor trailer parked in a church parking lot.
According to the Savannah Morning News, deputies in Effingham County, Ga. responded to a call about someone lurking in the area around 4:30 a.m. They eventually happened upon 20-year-old Christopher Bucker and her 25-year-old half-brother, Timothy Savoy. Savoy explained that he was walking Bucker home, but, through conversation, police learned that the two were siblings who just finished having sex in a trailer parked outside of Countryside Baptist Church.
Bucker and Savoy confessed to having sex three times. Worse, their incest was reportedly fueled by viewings of The Notebook, which, for the record, has now been tainted.
They were ultimately charged with prowling, sodomy, and incest.—Julian Kimble
Violent, Naked Man Ruins Vibe at Oregon Hemp Festival
Date: 8/24/2014
Location: Grants Pass, Ore.
Crime: Criminal mischief, menacing, resisting arrest, and assaulting a public safety officer
Ratchet Meter: 7
The mood at an Oregon hemp festival was tainted by a naked, physically imposing man who went on a rampage.
The Jefferson State Hemp Expo is held in Grants Pass, Ore., mixing music, arts, and camping with hemp education over the course of three relatively chill days. Around 12:30 a.m. Sunday, Aug. 24 Timothy Seaux interrupted the chill, storming the area and smashing cars in the parking lot. The 27-year-old, who stands 6'3” and weighs 250 pounds, also kicked an Oregon State Police trooper in the process.
It took several officers to wrestle Seaux into the back of a police vehicle, and medical crews had to sedate him to stop his onslaught. After being hospitalized, he was arrested and charged with criminal mischief, menacing, resisting arrest, and assaulting a public safety officer.
Though it hasn't been confirmed that Seaux's berserker spree was fueled by substance, his actions (and lack of clothing) certainly suggest it. No one just decides to terrorize a festival while stark naked for the fuck of it.—Julian Kimble
Fugitive Arrested After Posting ALS Ice Bucket Challenge Video
Date: 8/22/2014
Location: Omaha, Nebraska
Crime: Criminal mischief, resisting arrest, criminal impersonation, and assaulting an officer with body fluid
Ratchet Meter: 8
Participating in the ALS Ice Bucket Challenge is commendable, but probably not the smartest thing for someone on the run from police to engage in. Then again, you wouldn't think a fugitive would need to have that explained to them. Alas, if only sense were truly common.
The Smoking Gun reports that Jesean Morris, 20, was arrested Friday, Aug. 22 in Nebraska. The Omaha native was wanted for violating his parole stemming from an April 2010 shootout that left two men injured. He was released on the condition of “discretionary parole” in March, and police were given information about his whereabouts by someone who saw his Ice Bucket Challenge video on Facebook.
When police finally caught up to Morris, he lied about his identity, then allegedly spit on a cop car which he also damaged. In addition to violating his parole, he was charged with criminal mischief, resisting arrest, criminal impersonation, and assaulting an officer with body fluid.—Julian Kimble
Man Caught Having Sex with Mattress (in Public) in Ireland
Date: 8/23/2014
Location: Ireland
Crime: Committing an act of lewd, obscene, and disgusting nature
Ratchet Meter: 10
Anyone near a particular senior's center in Northern Ireland might've had the misfortune of spotting a man plowing away at a mattress while watching porn on a portable DVD player last week.
The New York Daily News reports that 52-year-old Martin Gregory Coll was discovered in the midst of the lewd act in the parking lot of Derry's Lavery Fold Old People's Home on Aug. 23. According to the police report, Coll was found “naked from the waist down with his trousers and underwear down by his ankles, and he was simulating sex with the mattress.” Though Coll's display had numerous unfortunate witnesses, none of them wanted to relive the horror by making formal statements to the police.
Coll, who is homeless, faces charges for committing an act of lewd, obscene and disgusting nature, outraging public decency, and committing indecent behavior.—Julian Kimble
Oklahoma City Police Officer Allegedly Committed Six Sexual Assaults in the Line of Duty
Date: 8/20/2014
Location: Oklahoma City, Okla.
Crime: Sexual assault
Ratchet Meter: 5
Authorities say an Oklahoma City police officer sexually assaulted six women while on duty.
During a press conference, police chief Bill Citty revelaed that officer Daniel Holtzclaw had been accused of stopping women, then making them “to expose themselves, [fondling] them, and in at least one instance had intercourse with a woman.” All of Holtzclaw's victims are said to be black women falling between the ages of 34 58. The Oklahoma City Police Department was made aware of his alleged actions in June when one of the alleged victims came forward.
According to the Associated Press, the 27-year-old was arrested on Wednesday Aug. 20 and charged with serial sexual assault.—Julian Kimble
Two Members of Jail Staff Arrested for Sleeping with Inmate
Date: 8/19/2014
Location: Washington County, Oregon
Crime: Sexual misconduct
Ratchet Meter: 6
Two staff members at an Oregon correctional facility were arrested within a month of each other for having sex with the same prisoner.
According to the New York Daily News, 32-year-old Brett Robinson turned herself in to Washington County authorities on Tuesday, Aug. 19, just a month after 38-year-old Jill Curry was caught having sex with inmate Jang-Li Delgado-Galban at Washington County Jail.
The Oregonian reports that Curry was captured on camera releasing Galban from his cell and having sex with him in a supply closet on multiple occasions. Both face sexual misconduct charges, while Curry—whose soon-to-be ex-husband is a deputy—is also facing a rather ugly divorce.—Julian Kimble
Unsuspecting Man Tackled (And Taunted) by Grandmother While Evading Police
Date: 8/20/2014
Location: Richland, Wash.
Crime: Pending
Ratchet Meter: 8
Need a reason not to run from the cops? If you do, someone's grandma (who's spry and moves like a healthy Clay Matthews) might hit-stick you.
The Associated Press reports that Becky Powell was riding with her husband in Richland, Wash. when she noticed a man fleeing police on foot. The 40-year-old mother of five and grandmother of three instructed her husband to speed up their vehicle so she could assist Richland Police Capt. Mike Cobb in apprehending the man.
According to the Tri-City Herald, Powell said the man's weak stiff-arm was no match for her brute strength, as she took him down like Brian Urlacher in his prime. “He stiff-armed me and I just wrapped him up and threw him on the ground,” she explained. To add to his humiliation, she pulled down his pants and underwear in the process, literally leaving him assed out.
Like any good defender with a certain zeal for making a big stop, Powell taunted the man. “I whispered in his ear, 'How does it feel to be taken down by a mother of five and a grandmother of three?'”
Shit-talking at its finest.—Julian Kimble
Heartless Masked Man Robs Amish Horse and Buggy at Gunpoint
Date: 8/26/2014
Location: Manatee County, Fla.
Crime: Pending
Ratchet Meter: 7
Authorities say a masked man robbed members of the Amish community traveling in a horse and buggy in Pennsylvania yesterday.
According to PennLive.com, the crime took place just before 1 a.m. in East Lampeter Township, Pa. Aug. 26 when a white minivan cut the buggy off, forcing it to stop. Out jumped the gunman, who ordered the three passengers to hand over their wallets. East Lampeter Police Lt. Robin Weaver revealed to LancasterOnline that criminals often target the Amish out of “desperation.”
Worse, a horse carrying a buggy was killed last November when a car pulled up next to it and opened fire in Ronks, Pa. East Lampeter police eventually apprehended 22-year-old Timothy Diggs, Jr. in that crime.—Julian Kimble
Man Evicted from Apartment Due to Noisy Sex Swing
Date: 8/22/2014
Location: Berlin, Germany
Crime: N/A
Ratchet Meter: 8
A German man was evicted from his apartment because of the rigorous squeaking noise emanating from the sex swing in his apartment.
According to the Associated Press, a court ruled that the man's landlord was justified in giving him the boot as a result of the swing and its offending noise. The man reportedly installed the “very old” addition in 2012, but the “sexual, athletic and squeaking noises” often lasted into the wee hours of the night, infuriating his neighbors.
This violated the quiet clause in his apartment that's scheduled to last between the hours of 10 p.m. and 7 a.m. The court ultimately decided that the man's late night use of the swing violated the aforementioned clause.—Julian Kimble
