The word "ratchet" might be played out, but until the Internet agrees upon a more accurate description for these crimes, it will have to do. These stories are sad, imaginative, and inspire us to have conversations about race, class, and the American dream.
This week's roundup includes penis snatching, discreet cocaine smuggling , and some good old fashioned necrophilia. Each crime is rated on our Ratchet Meter, a base-10 logarithmic scale modeled after a similar system developed by Charles Richter—except that the Ratchet Meter has nothing to do with science because it's not actually a real thing.
Read on for the best of the worst ratchet crimes in America. Proceed with caution, stay safe, don't try this at home, and send your tips to [email protected].
And for your viewing pleasure, here's the latest episode of Ratchet News Network with The Kid Mero:
The word "ratchet" might be played out, but until the Internet agrees upon a more accurate description for these crimes, it will have to do. These stories are sad, imaginative, and inspire us to have conversations about race, class, and the American dream.
This week's roundup includes penis snatching, discreet cocaine smuggling , and some good old fashioned necrophilia. Each crime is rated on our Ratchet Meter, a base-10 logarithmic scale modeled after a similar system developed by Charles Richter—except that the Ratchet Meter has nothing to do with science because it's not actually a real thing.
Read on for the best of the worst ratchet crimes in America. Proceed with caution, stay safe, don't try this at home, and send your tips to [email protected].
And for your viewing pleasure, here's the latest episode of Ratchet News Network with The Kid Mero:
RNN: Ratchet News Network
Calling 911 Because a Stripper Wouldn't Sleep with You Isn't Wise
Date: 8/16/2014
Location: Rocker, Mont.
Crime: Attempting to exchange money for sexual favors.
Ratchet Meter: 7
Reaching out to police because you feel as if you've been cheated out of whatever illegal service you paid for will always end in your arrest. Always.
According to the Smoking Gun, 53-year-old William McDaniel phoned authorities after a stripper refused to have sex with him. Apparently, McDaniel assumed the $350 he paid for a private dance at Exotic Dance Club covered sexual favors as well. When he didn't get what he wanted at the Rocker, Mont. club, he complained to police, who arrested him for attempting to exchange money for sexual favors.
Fifteen years ago, Chris Rock emphasized that no sex is going down in the Champagne Room. One would think that the point was made crystal clear, but it seems as if he needed to mention the whole “Your dumb ass will get arrested, or worse” component as well.–Julian Kimble
What Are the Odds of a Man Named “Stoner” Being Arrested on Marijuana Charges?
Date: 8/14/2014
Location: Unionville, Va.
Crime: Cultivation of marijuana, possession of a firearm
Ratchet Meter: 6
Authorities in Virginia say a man with a hilariously fitting last name given the circumstances was arrested after they found over $10,000 worth of marijuana plants at his residence.
NBC Washington reports that Paul Stoner of Unionville, Va. was apprehended Aug. 14 after police received a tip that he was supplying children in the area with drugs. A raid produced guns, marijuana and marijuana plants, needles, spoons, and prescription drugs.
The 42-year-old faces charges for growing marijuana, as well as the possession of a firearm around more than a pound of the substance.
Never Call Police to Say Your Drug Dealer Robbed You
Date: 8/17/2014
Location: Woodbridge, Va.
Crime: Possession of marijuana and filing a false police report
Ratchet Meter: 7
A desperate Virginia woman was arrested after being screwed over by her drug dealer, who obviously has no respect for her.
According to NBC Washington, Amanda Twomey, 19, told Prince William County Police that her weed man robbed her on Sunday Aug. 17. Twomey claimed that after setting up a meeting with Jackson Crisler, in Woodbridge, Va., the 20-year-old he robbed her at gunpoint.
During the investigation, detectives soon learned that Twomey, under no pressure, gave Crisler the money to purchase marijuana from someone else. Instead, Crisler simply pocketed the money. When Twomey called police to explain that she was robbed, both she and Crisler were arrested.
In addition to attempted possession of marijuana charges, Twomey was also charged with filing a false police report. Crisler, on the other, faces a charge for attempted possession with intent to distribute.—Julian Kimble
Flatulence Allegedly Leads Woman to Assault Man
Date: 8/18/2014
Location: Myrtle Beach, S.C.
Crime: Pending
Ratchet Meter: 6
A South Carolina woman was cited for punching a man who purposely farted in her face, authorities say.
The Smoking Gun reports that 33-year-old Jessica Cerney was seated on a couch inside of a Myrtle Beach, S.C. residence on Monday Aug. 18 when Darrell McKnight entered, intoxicated. Flexing his alleged lack of manners, the 64-year-old let one rip, right in Cerney's face.
In an attempt to escape the fumes, Cerney fled the home, but told police that McKnight followed her. During the ensuing debate about the offensive odor, Cerney claims that McKnight unleashed a stream of profanity and approached her in what the police report describes as “a threatening manner.” When he bent down, she punched him in the face. Three times.
In addition to a swollen right eye, McKnight also received a citation.—Julian Kimble
Man Arrested for Allegedly Stealing Penises of Dead Patients at Hospital
Date: 8/13/2014
Location: Slavonski Brod, Croatia
Crime: Disturbing the deceased
Ratchet Meter: 10
A Croatian nurse has been arrested for allegedly removing the penises of dead patients and adding them to his alarming, unexplainable collection.
Known as “the Penis Collector,” the unidentified 52-year-old was arrested and charged with disturbing the deceased. Authorities reportedly discovered glass jars containing human penises inside of his apartment, and believe he used his job as a nurse in a Slavonski Brod hospital to get access to the bodies and commit the bizarre crime.
Queerty reports that the incident prompted a bewildered hospital spokesperson to deliver this statement:
On behalf of all employees of the hospital, I have to say that we are very unpleasantly surprised by an event that threw a shadow over this hospital. Our apologies to families of the deceased.
If convicted, the man could face up to two years in prison.—Julian Kimble
Man Admits to Violating 100 Corpses at Ohio Morgue
Date: 8/15/2014
Location: Hamilton County, Ohio
Crime: Gross abuse of the deceased
Ratchet Meter: 10
An Ohio man confessed to having sex with 100 corpses during his time working the night shift at a morgue, authorities say.
This revelation came when a federal appeals court decided that Hamilton County can be sued as a result of the man's actions. Kenneth Douglas told the court that between 1976 and 1992, he defiled at least 100 corpses at the Hamilton County morgue. The 60-year-old explained that his actions were fueled by substance abuse. “If I hadn't had anything to drink when I went to work, it wouldn't happen,” he told the court. “I would do crack and go in and drink and go in.”
According to WCPO, Douglas was convicted of gross abuse on the bodies of three women—Charlene Appling, April Hicks, and Karen Range—who died in 1991 and 1992. However, none of this was known until 2008, when his semen was identified in Range's body.
The women's families sued Hamilton County in 2012, and last week's development will give a jury the chance to decide that former coroner and morgue director Dr. Frank Cleveland (who passed away in 2011) failed “recklessly and wantonly” to keep Douglas from violating corpses. The fact that Douglas' wife testified that she reported him and no disciplinary action was taken doesn't help the county's chances.—Julian Kimble
Plot to Smuggle Nearly Four Pounds of Cocaine in Woman's Breast Implants Thwarted
Date: 8/15/2014
Location: Bogota, Columbia
Crime: Crime against public health
Ratchet Meter: 7
A woman was arrested in Spain earlier this month for trying to smuggle nearly four pounds of cocaine into the country by stashing them inside of her breast implants.
The New York Daily News reports that authorities at Madrid International Airport noticed the 43-year-old Venezuelan woman's suspicious behavior while screening bags for passengers who had just exited a flight from Bogota, Colombia. Though her luggage didn't raise any concerns, female agents noticed suspicious lumps in her breasts while frisking her.
Knowing she was caught, the woman admitted that her breasts were packed with cocaine. She was taken to a local hospital, where 3.7 pounds of cocaine worth a reported $2.5 million was removed from her implants. New York City board-certified plastic surgeon Dr. Matthew Schulman told the Daily News that this method of smuggling is somewhat common.
“There were alerts put out several years ago about concerns about terrorists using breast implants as a way to move bombs, so it's one of those things in the plastic surgery community we are aware of,” he explained. “It's probably done more often than people realize.”—Julian Kimble
The Daily News adds that the woman was held at the hospital for an alleged crime against public health. As of now, there's no on her status.
Woman Poisons Roommates After Being Caught Having Sex with Dogs
Date: 8/13/2014
Location: Albuquerque, N.M.
Ratchet Meter: 8
Police in New Mexico say a woman tried to poison her roommates after she was caught having sex with the dogs that one of the roommates owns.
On Wednesday, Aug. 13, 53-year-old Shari Walters was arrested in Albuquerque, N.M. for attempting to kill Beverly and Jeffrey Bradley, the brother and sister she lived with. According to KOAT 7, Walters allegedly added toilet bowl cleaner to their food and rubbing alcohol to their water after Beverly Bradley caught her having sex with two of her German shepherds:
The roommate says she previously caught Walters lying nude inside a shed on their property having sex with her dog, Spike, the complaint says.
KOAT 7 adds that Jeffrey Bradley, who had been dating Walters, broke up with her after learning this. Apparently, his reaction is what triggered Walters' actions:
After the encounter, the complaint says, Walters admitted to having sex with both her roommates’ dogs. Walters was dating a male roommate and, according to the complaint, he broke up with her after the encounter.
Walters reportedly told Bradley that she'd stop trying to kill them if her brother agreed to take her back. For obvious reasons, that was not a possibility. Walters has been charged with cruelty or extreme cruelty to animals, assault with intent to commit a violent felony, and aggravated battery.—Julian Kimble
Florida Couple Arrested for Parking Lot Sex Incident
Date: 8/13/14
Location: Manatee County, Fla.
Crime: Exposure of sexual organs and lewd and lascivious behavior
Ratchet Meter: 8
A man and a woman were arrested for having sex in a Florida restaurant parking lot Aug. 13.
The Smoking Gun reports that 42-year-old April Newcomb and 20-year-old Brandon Tinyes were caught naked from the waist down in the parking lot, going at it inside of a vehicle parked in front of the Beef ‘O’ Brady’s restaurant. A deputy with the Manatee County Sheriff's Office says that Newcomb and Tinyes came clean, admitting that they were simply two friends “having sex.” No big deal, obviously.
Both Newcomb and Tinyes were charged with exposure of sexual organs and lewd and lascivious behavior, while Tinyes also faces marijuana possession charges.—Julian Kimble
College Student Discovers Mysterious Cocaine in Her Luggage While Moving In
Date: 8/21/2014
Location: New York, N.Y.
Crime: Pending
Ratchet Meter: 4
A student at the Fashion Institute of Technology in New York City discovered 10 pounds of cocaine in her suitcase while moving into her dorm, authorities say.
The New York Post reports that that 21-year-old, who had just flown into the city from Trinidad & Tobago, was unpacking when she found four packages of the drug worth a reported $150,000 in her luggage. According to the Post, she immediately called the police, telling them she had no idea how they got there.
Though police are considering the possibility that she was aware of the cocaine's presence in her suitcase, they believe it could've been mistakenly placed in her suitcase by smugglers. Regardless, the woman hasn't been charged and no arrests have been made.—Julian Kimble
