This Week's Most Ratchet Crimes in America

The word "ratchet" might be played out, but until the Internet agrees upon a more accurate description for these crimes, it will have to do. These stories are sad, imaginative, and inspire us to have conversations about race, class, and the American dream.

This week's roundup includes airborne baby carriages, a wanted man in a doughnut eating competition , and drunken teachers. Each crime is rated on our Ratchet Meter, a base-10 logarithmic scale modeled after a similar system developed by Charles Richter—except that the Ratchet Meter has nothing to do with science because it's not actually a real thing.

Read on for the best of the worst ratchet crimes in America. Proceed with caution, stay safe, don't try this at home, and send your tips to [email protected].

And for your viewing pleasure, here's the latest episode of Ratchet News Network with The Kid Mero:

Date: 8/13/2014

Location: Tampa, Fla.

Crime: Driving with a suspended license, leaving the scene of an accident, fleeing to elude, and DUI with property damage

Ratchet Meter: 7

A prostitute caused quite a stir after crashing his vehicle into a Florida retirement home Aug. 13, authorities say.

The Tampa Bay Times reports that 28-year-old Rico Antwan Jones, aka “Diamond,” barreled into the Tampa Baptist Manor in Tampa, Fla. around 3 a.m. When authorities found him, he was clad in nothing more than women's underwear and high heels. When the visibly intoxicated Jones attempted to flee the scene of the accident, officers were forced to give chase, something no cop enjoys doing.

He was soon caught and taken to Tampa General Hospital with minor injuries before being charged with driving with a suspended license, leaving the scene of an accident, fleeing to elude, and DUI with property damage.—Julian Kimble

Date: 8/9/2014

Location: Clarkesville, Tenn.

Crime: Child abuse and domestic violence

Ratchet Meter: 9

Hurling a car seat at your significant other during an argument is never acceptable—especially when a baby is still inside of it.

The Smoking Gun reports that John Woodley, Jr. punched his girlfriend in the eye Saturday, Aug. 9 during a dispute. When she tried to flee their Clarkesville, Tenn. home with their seven-month-old son, the 37-year-old allegedly picked up the car seat and threw it at her. With the littble boy inside.

Luckily, the child escaped injury and Woodley was arrested and charged with child abuse and domestic violence. The woman was hospitalized and treated for injuries to her eye, and the Department of Child Services was alerted of the incident.—Julian Kimble

Date: 8/12/1014

Location: Charlotte, N.C.

Crime: Contributing to the delinquency of a juvenile

Ratchet Meter: 5

Remember the days when kids were content to blow up mailboxes or eat a mouthful of saltines? Well, as previously reported, teens have upped their shenanigans levels and are now setting themselves on fire just for the lulz. Good times! While that may sound really, really stupid, the only thing more idiotic would be a parent who wanted to join in on their son's totally fun and not at all dangerous new hobby.

Enter Cool Mom™ Janie Lachelle Talley, who was just arrested for helping her son with his now infamous #FireChallenge video. According North Carolina police, Talley was “was present and aware of what her son (was) doing and facilitated the recording.” (You can hear her laughing in the above video.) Though the teen only suffered minor injuries, Tallie has been accused of contributing to the delinquency of a juvenile. So let that be a lesson to you, kids: Don't ask your mom for help if you're going to set yourself on fire. Even if you manage to walk away with a few burns, she could end up behind bars.—Nathan Reese

Date: 8/6/2014

Location: Elizabeth City, N.C.

Crime: Breaking and entering and larceny charges

Ratchet Meter: 6

Taking part in a doughnut-eating contest sponsored by police probably isn't the smartest thing to do if you're wanted for two crimes, but if sense were common, police would have much easier jobs.

Bradley Hardison, 24, competed in the contest during the Elizabeth City Police Department's National Night Out Against Crime on Aug.6. He emerged victorious after basically inhaling eight doughnuts in two minutes, but officers soon realized why the Elizabeth City, N.C. man looked so familiar: he was wanted for an alleged role in two break-ins.

Hardison was arrested the following day, and The Daily Advance says he also faces charges for breaking and entering and larceny charges in Pasquotank County. He made a bold move, but a stupid one, nonetheless.—Julian Kimble

Date: 8/4/2014

Location: Shrewsbury, Mass.

Crime: Open and gross lewdness

Ratchet Meter: 7

You shouldn't be naked in public unless you're at a nude beach, reside in a nudist colony, or are on Dating Naked. A Massachusetts man who was arrested for doing nude yard work apparently didn't get that memo.

The Smoking Gun reports that Ricardo Capra was arrested on Monday after being spotted using a leaf blower (in the nude) in the driveway of his Shrewsbury, Mass. home. Capra, who authorities say was “intoxicated and belligerent,” was causing quite the spectacle, as passing cars took to creeping past to snap pictures.

The 69-year-old was charged with open and gross lewdness. In the future, he'll probably keep naked use of appliances indoors.—Julian Kimble

Date: 8/5/2014

Location: Spartanburg, S.C

Crime: N/A

Ratchet Meter: 6

Getting caught watching porn by your mother adds an extra layer of awkward to an already uncomfortable situation, but her calling the cops to share your embarrassment helps to lay the shame on pretty thick. Parents just don't understand.

The Smoking Gun reports that 40-year-old real estate agent Chavonda Gallman that returned to her Spartanburg, S.C. home Tuesday, Aug. 5 with her 2-year-old daughter and a client. The little girl turned on the television in the home's living room and, much to the shock of the two adults present, porn was playing on the television.

Gallman's 15-year-old son was in his room doing God knows what, and the Smoking Gun notes that Gallman told authorities that she contacted them because the teen had been experiencing behavioral issues of late. No word on if that refers specifically to watching porn in the living room, or anywhere else in the house.—Julian Kimble

Date: 8/9/2014

Location: New York, N.Y.

Crime: Disorderly conduct

Ratchet Meter: 7

The NYPD's crackdown on masked Times Square performers continues, as an Elmo, a Spider-Man, and two Iron Men were arrested during a 30-minute span.

According to the New York Post, the four men were arrested on Saturday Aug. 9 while harassing tourists for tops. This came mere hours after police distributed pamphlets to tourists explaining that they can tip the costumed performers after posing for pictures with them at their discretion:

Recent incidents involving the Times Square performer faction have led to clamoring for their activity to be regulated. Lucia Gomez, head of immigrant-rights organization La Fuente, told the Post that a number of the performers are Hispanic immigrants who have reached out to La Fuente for assistance in coping with any regulatory provisions levied against them.

This latest sweep of arrests reinforces the fact that NYPD is serious about tourists enjoying Times Square free of harassment.—Julian Kimble

Date: 8/4/2014

Location: Wagoner, Okla.

Crime: Public intoxication

Ratchet Meter: 8

Staff at an Oklahoma school will never forget Lorie Ann Hill, though her future in education is likely over after she showed up to her first day of work without her pants, inexplicably intoxicated.

According to the Tulsa World, Hill, 49, arrived at the Wagoner, Okla. home bright and early on Monday Aug. 4. Understandably alarmed by an employee who came to work drunk and pantsless, school officials contacted police, who reportedly found her “disoriented and without pants” inside of a classroom. She wasn't completely exposed, as Wagoner Police Chief Bob Haley explained that she was “wearing shorts,” not that it helped her situation that much.

After being approached by officers, Hill admitted to drinking before work. This was confirmed by the empty cup discovered inside of her car that reeked of vodka. Because police couldn't prove that she drove drunk, Hill dodged a DUI charge, but was charged on suspicion of public intoxication, which isn't any better for her “career.”—Julian Kimble

Date: 7/18/2014

Location: Daytona Beach, Fla.

Crime: Charges Pending

Ratchet Meter: 8

The man whose mug shot went viral after he was beaten by an infuriated father for allegedly molesting the man's son pleaded not guilty to the crime, officials say.

According to WPBF, Raymond Frolander, 18, was arrested last month in Daytona Beach, Fla. after a man contacted police, explaining that he had caught Frolander molesting his 11-year-old son. This also came after the man beat Frolander into what he described to police as a “bloody puddle.” WPBF adds that the man said he was prevented from killing Frolander by his son.

Frolander, whose face has healed considerably since the Jul. 18 incident, remains in police custody.—Julian Kimble

Date: 8/4/2014

Location: Bronx, N.Y.

Crime: N/A

Ratchet Meter: 7

A new rule forcing Rikers Island inmates to be in bed two hours earlier was met with opposition. In turn, that opposition was met with regulatory measures.

The new rule was implemented on Aug. 4, moving lights out up to 9 p.m. from 11 p.m. This was reportedly done to curb violence at the facility, though prisoners reportedly threatened to riot if forced to miss those two hours of late-night television. On Monday night, tensions finally boiled over:

The earlier bed time remains in place. Inmates are simply going to have to deal with it.—Julian Kimble