Image via Complex Original
Batten down the hatches and hoist the Jolly Roger, it's time for a pirate fashion showdown. [Ed. Note—Did that make any sense? Are there any sailors reading this right now?] Last night, Black Sails premiered on Starz, introducing us to one of the sexiest television casts this side of Westeros. Despite how captivating Jessica Parker Kennedy was, Black Sails has some big boots to fill in the pirate genre. It's no secret that the definitive cinematic portrayal of pirates is Muppet Treasure Island (with apologies and much respect to Hook).
Given this, it seems like the best way to welcome Black Sails into the swashbuckling game is to see how the fashions on the Starz drama stacks up against the gear worn by Kermit and company back in the day.
Let's compared tri-corner hats, bandanas, and the eye patches of both films with one question in mind: Who Wore It Better? Black Sails or Muppet Treasure Island.
RELATED: 6 Black Sails Characters You Should Already Know About
Captain Smollet (Kermit the Frog) vs. Captain Parrish (Graham Hopkins)
Apparently nerdy captains captured by pirates have a standard issue uniform, right down to the fit of their cravat. True, these two are wearing pretty much the exact same outfit, biggest difference being that your boy Kermit shows grace under fire while Captain Parrish shows his true colors. It ain't easy being green, but it's better than being yellow, you stinking coward.
Who wore it better: Muppet Treasure Island
Randall (Lawrence Joffe) vs. Billy Bones (Billy Connolly)
Starting from the top down, they have the same crazy hair and same crazy eyes, but you get the sense that Billy Connolly is crazy in real life.
Who wore it better: Muppet Treasure Island
Blind Pew vs. Anne Bonny (Clara Paget)
It's a battle between a lady of few words and a man of no sight. Though we were tempted to side with the visually impaired on this one, Anne mentioned out the gate that she is DTF, which is v. endearing. Pew brings that vaudevillian physical comedy that we love from Jim Henson's crew, but it just isn't enough to overcome sex appeal.
Who wore it better: Black Sails
Samuel Arrow (Sam the Eagle) vs. Captain Hume (David Dukas)
Try as you might, no one looks as hard as Sam Eagle. You come for the king, you best not miss.
Who wore it better: Muppet Treasure Island (and it's not even close)
Squire Trewlaney (Fozzie Bear) vs. Richard Guthrie (Sean Cameron Michael)
This is a tough one. Really. Both actors are keeping it classy here with a stately hairdo complementing a dope outfit. They both look so damn #cozy. Which must be relatively easy for a plush Muppet. But still.
Who wore it better: Tie
Gates (Mark Ryan) vs. Dr. Livesy (Bunson Honeydew)
Real men bald gracefully, and never wear rugs. Your boy Bunsen, usually so based, fucked up this time trying to fool the world with a powdered wig. Meep. Meep. Meep.
Who wore it better: Black Sails
Spa'am vs. Unnamed Crew Member
One of these characters is actually a native and the other is faking it. And not the one you think.
Who wore it better: Muppet Treasure Island
Lew Zealand (as Himself) vs. Rackham (Toby Schmitz)
Sorry Rackham, you're gonna have to come harder with the facial hair if you want to best a Muppet mainstay. Lew Zealand wins, even without his trademark boomerang fish.
Who wore it better: Muppet Treasure Island
Benjamina Gunn (Miss Piggy) vs. Elanor Guthrie (Hannah New)
Miss Piggy, we love you, but Elanor demonstrates an ice cap-melting "O! Kermie" face here. We know you're a diva, but you've got to put in a little effort.
Who wore it better: Black Sails
"Cabin Fever" Musical Number vs. Sex
Though we get group sex AND lesbian sex in the pilot of Black Sails, you can't beat a classic Muppets musical number, no matter how many pairs of boobs you throw at it.
Who wore it better: Muppets Treasure Island
And the final score: 6-3-1 The Muppets win without breaking a sweat, largely because that would be physically impossible.
