A Guide To Picking Up Women at A Summer BBQ

Summer is heating up, Fourth of July weekend is upon us, and here you are, still without a lady. Fear not, you have ample time to bag yourself a short term summer flame who will lead you to burst into songs of joyful reflection after the summer comes to an end and you go your separate ways (okay, so maybe my sisters watched way too much Grease when we were growing up). One of the reasons you might still be missing out on that summer lovin' is that you are likely looking for love in all the wrong places. Beaches, bars, and rooftop parties are packed with people looking to hook-up: it's hard to walk into these spots, let alone spit game in any of these cliche summer pick-up locales.

This summer, we encourage you to broaden your horizons. What better place to look for the love of your life the next two months than at a barbecue? You might think that burgers and seven-layer dip aren't exactly the ideal components of romance. Oh, how wrong you are. When the steam rises from the grill, the tiki torches are lit, and those little umbrellas are placed in the daiquiris, there is no more romantic locale. But beware: the rules of attraction are a little bit different at a barbecue. Seducing a woman between a Weber Grill and a picnic table is far different than buying her a drink at the bar or approaching her on the dance floor. Luckily for you, we have ample experience sweeping women off of their feet even though we have a deep red sauce stain on our white t-shirt. Pull up a lawn chair, put that beer in a cozy, and don't touch the deviled eggs because they've been out in the sun too long: This is our Guide to Picking Up Women at A Summer BBQ.

You should always bring a dish with you if you are going to demolish someone else's hamburger and chicken wing reserves: that's just good manners. If it were a night in with the guys watching the game or gambling, we would suggest a six-pack be that dish. A barbecue is a whole different game, and if you don't take the time to prepare a side dish, you are missing a golden opportunity. Items like potato salad, deviled eggs, and brownies are actually incredibly easy to make, but the available ladies at the barbecue will be extremely impressed if you show up with something other than a jello mold from the grocery store. The truth is that the number of men out there who a) can prepare food and b) are considerate enough to bring food with them to a stranger's home, is sadly very low. This is one of those times in life, as with anniversaries and personal hygiene, where a little bit of effort goes a long way.

Pro Tip: If you aren't competent enough to make something on your own, you can always pour a store bought item into one of your own bowls and cover it with saran wrap.

The only place you'll hear worse music than a barbecue is at a mall department store. We're all familiar with that stupid genre of feel-good summer music about "good times" and "chillin' with friends" that makes us want to poke out our ear drums with shish-kabob skewers every time that acoustic guitar and bongo comb comes on. For those of you who have, through the grace of God, been lucky enough not to hear this music, some of the hits include "No Shoes No Shirt No Problems" by Kenny Chesney, "Banana Pancakes" by Jack Johnson, and "Margaritaville" by Jimmy Buffet. Everyone knows these songs are awful except for the asshole in the Corona straw hat who insists on playing the "Beach Jamz" playlist from his iPod Shuffle.

No matter how terrible the songs get, don't be the guy who complains about the shitty summer jams, you'll just look like a sour music snob. Here in America we do a number of things we hate of a sense of tradition, from pretending to enjoy baseball to staying married to people that we no longer love, and listening to crappy beach-bro music is just one of those things. Even if the woman you have your eyes on writes for Pitchfork, she still won't find your complaints attractive. Just accept the inevitable assault on your eardrums, and maybe bring a pair of earplugs to slip in during particularly offensive jams.

Going out to the club is a menswear arms race where vests, selvage denim, and stupid hats are the weaponry. A summer cookout is not the place to pull out your GQ cover boy swag. If you still want to look dapper, you can wear a nice pair of shorts, a middle-of-the-road button up, and boat shoes, but you should go ahead and save your shirt and tie combos for another occasion. Don't worry, if you put in a little effort, you'll be the best dressed man in the spot, and as there is guaranteed to be a guy wearing a patriotic tank-top from Wal-Mart, you definitely won't be the worst dressed.

Inevitably, some kind of friendly sporting event will break out at this barbecue. These things can turn stupidly competitive at the drop of a visor. You think you're not the competitive type, but then a recovering gym class hero begins berating his teammates or shouting about the rules and you find yourself caught up in a testosterone fueled grudge match. Don't let yourself get involved in any sad displays that reveal the impotent emasculation that is your adult life.

No woman has ever been impressed by out of shape pencil pushers trying to show off during recreational sports. Women stop basing their sexual decisions on amateur athletic prowess after junior prom. If you can't keep your cool on the court, you're better off sitting out the game so you can focus on a game that has actual reward.

Any woman will tell you that male feet are gross. Women actually spend time and money making their feet look presentable to the public. The extent of male foot grooming begins and ends with any water that happens to hit their tootsies in the shower. Before you take the traditional bro move and put on some flip-flops to compliment your cargo shorts, take a look at your feet. Are you looking at something that would shock and disgust your fellow man? If you had to pause to think about the answer to this question, closed-toed shoes might be the right choice for you.

Otherwise, you can spring for a pedi. You laugh, but that shit is next level, and for many of you that's the closest you'll get to sexual activity this month.

Many men make the mistake of trying to hi-jack grilling duties in a show of alpha male dominance. Don't be that guy. Whoever began the day as the designated griller should be allowed to maintain their position without fear of a meat mutiny, even if they are in danger of lighting the whole back lawn on fire. If the griller is having troubles, step up and offer you assistance, even if it means running to the store for more hamburger buns.

You're probably asking yourself, "how does this get you laid?" Everyone's eyes will be on the grill once the meat hits the coals, and you will look good to everyone at the party if you can help expedite the journey from food to plate. At the same time, you won't be shackled to the grill like the chef, who won't be able to move until the last burger is served. More importantly, if your boring co-worker or annoying former classmate engages you in conversation when you wish you were spitting game to the babe who brought that macaroni salad, you need only look over at the grill anxiously and tell them that the chef needs your help. Step to the grill bearing a fresh beer for your boy, and then pivot over the beauty of your choice.

Every man wants to be the power player behind the spatula, but heavy is the head that wears the "Kiss the Cook" apron. Better to be the right hand man of the grillmaster and be able to divide your attention between patties and Becky's.

We've laid out numerous things for you consider, several moves you can make, but the most important thing is that you don't let time slip away from you. Just as these cookouts start ridiculously early, they also end suddenly, often shutting down shortly after the sun sets. Don't get caught up in all-you-can-eat ribs, sunning yourself in a lawn chair, or arguing about grilling methods with a neighbor and forget the task at hand. If the sun is starting to sink below the picket fence and the host has turned down the music to avoid the ire of the neighbors, act now. Ideally, you've had a few conversations throughout the day, made a few off color jokes about the less appealing side dishes, and all that's left is getting those digits. Put down those delicious melon balls, go forth and make it happen.

If she turns you down, you still have time to hit the bar afterwards anyway, because it's only 7:45.