The 15 Biggest Excesses in Google History

When your run the world, there’s no one there to tell you “no.” Genghis Kahn got to impregnate every woman in Asia. The robber barons of the early twentieth century got to make orphans tap dance for their daily gruel. Now it’s Google’s turn, and they’re doing all sorts of shit that is equal parts whimsical and terrifying. Whether they’re throwing lavish parties or building massive barges, the folks at Google do it up. With all the money they're making and all the taxes they’re not paying, they can do whatever they damn well please. And, yes, they are doing whatever they damn well please. Though their motto is “Don’t Be Evil,” apparently excessive, wasteful, whimsical, and ridiculous are still in play. Here are The 15 Biggest Excesses in Google History.

Bet you didn't imagine that the idea would be worse than the name. In 2010, Google invested in a number of forward thinking initiatives, including Schweeb. Schweeb is kind of hard to describe, but Wired did a pretty good job; the Schweeb is "a monorail made of little clear capsules powered by people pedaling recumbent bicycles." It is just as cool as it sounds. You shove yourself into a clear pod and pedal your way around town. We are truly shocked that three and a half years after the Schweeb received its seed funding we still haven't seen them flood the thoroughfares of America's greatest cities. Laugh if you want, but if there was a Schweeb system in New York, at least tourists wouldn't be on Citibikes.

It is widely known that Google likes to let employees veer away from their core duties from time to time. For some Googlers, this means making honey; no, that is not a euphemism. A 2010 Google blog post informed the few people who give a shit that over 80 employees had signed up to do a little beekeeping between web conquests. According to the blog, the beekeeping initiative was a buzzing success. We would like to hear the opinion of a third party bee inspector before we accept this as truth and not propaganda, but good on Google employees for finding a hobby more boring than their actual jobs.

Google is trying to end death ... or at least radically extend life. Last fall, Google launched Calico, which aims to make people live longer, and probably make a shitload of money while doing so. Google is approaching their Methusal-izing of the population with their usual wide-eyed ambition. Google CEO Larry Page had this to say when announcing Calico, "In some industries, it takes ten or 20 years to go from an idea to something being real. Healthcare is certainly one of those areas," said Page. "Maybe we should shoot for the things that are really, really important so ten or twenty years from now we have those things done."

This is actually pretty cool, but it is also a little crazy. In addition to Google Earth, we have Google Mars. You can find your childhood Martian home, peep the new apartment of your ex who moved back to Mars after your messy breakup, and even plan out the best tree to perch in when stalking Martians who used to be on your high school cheerleading squad ... what were we talking about?

When Google started building a barge off the coast off of San Fran, speculation was rampant. Were they going to set up shop in international waters to further avoid taxes? We're they going to fight Internet piracy on the high seas? Many cool hypotheses were generated and all of them were wrong. It turns out that Google just wanted a cool place for people to hang out and try out their technology. Apparently, the next step beyond an Apple Store is a floating Google Salon. If you're on the west coast, get ready, because the advertising barge might be headed to a port near you.

According to Business Insider, Google employees give out "massage credits." If a co-worker feels you've done a great job, they give you a free hour-long massage to help you relax after the stress of all that praise. No word yet on "happy ending credits," but as of press time every blogger who has heard about massage credits made that exact same joke. This is just one of the many ridiculous Google employee perks that helps Google keep employees until they start their own startups which are then purchased by Google.

Apparently inspired by the Matthew McConaughey gem Surfer, Dude, at one point Google used goats to mow their lawn. This was chronicled in an officialGoogle blog post. No, you're cousin who works on a farm shouldn't hold out hope of becoming a Google employee, the goat herders were contracted through California Grazing, who sent a team of 200 hundred goats, a herder, and a border collie named Jen as a substitute for an arsenal of riding mowers.

Not only does making a heart gesture with your hands make you a pussy, it may soon put you on the wrong side of the law. Google is known to have a slew of ridiculous-sounding patents, but this one is definitely among the most ludicrous. As is always the case with the tech behemoth, there is a method to this madness. Google intends to incorporate this gesture into the use of Google Glass. When you see something you enjoy, making this gesture will prepare a photo for Instagram. This makes sense, as the only way you can truly express your love of something is to post it to Instagram.

The investment team at Google has put some serious cash into Recorded Future, a company that attempts to create a crystal ball out of shitload of data. Apparently, the gamble paid off, as Recorded Future counts some of the largest companies in the world among its client base. From what we can tell, getting connected with Recorded Future is going to cost you a pretty penny, so you might want to stick with good old psychic hotlines for the time being.

This 2010 Google investment certainly seems (wait for it ...) quixotic. Though Google has been known to make investments that aren't web-related, the company's habit of dipping its toe into clean energy is one of their strangest tendencies. Not only did Google invest millions in two North Dakota wind farms, but they have made significant investments in solar research and in climate insurance for farmers displaced by global warming. It's hard not to support these green initiatives, but the investment world is worried about a different kind of green, and moves like these scare them.

This one is still in its early stages, so there's no telling exactly how and when an army of Google's robots will kick off the revolution by pressing all iPhone users against the wall. Late in 2013, Google purchased Boston Dynamics, known for building robots for the US army. This led to wild speculation on the part of tech bloggers, including this hypothesis that Google is becoming a good old fashioned city-state, courtesy of i09. If Texas seceded from the union, nobody would give a shit. But, if Google broke off to form their own Athenian society, we would lose a lot more than Tony Romo and steakhouses.

If you can launch a robotic spacecraft that can land and travel across the surface of the moon while sending back to Earth specified images and other data by 2015 you could win $20 million! So, grab your buddies and a six pack, head into the garage, and get to work. Don't worry if you have some more pressing matters to attend to, slackers can still hope to snag the $5 million second prize. There's also a "diversity award" which [joke redacted by Complex HR department].

Any somewhat lazy would-be space explorers out there shouldn't get too excited, there is no space elevator yet (that we know of). Rumors have swirled that space elevators are one of the slate of wild projects in the secretive "Google X" agenda. Scientists feel that we don't have materials strong enough for a space elevator yet, so your dreams of an interstellar shopping mall will have to wait a little bit longer.