Image via Complex Original
Everyone's favorite family returned to television last night as Kourtney and Khloe Kardashian—with a surprisingly huge assist from French Montana—"took" the Hamptons. For anyone who's seen Keeping Up with the Kardashians or one of its gazillion offshoots, the premiere episode of Kourtney and Khloe Take the Hamptons was pretty much par for the course: Scott Disick's alcoholism and deceased parents were turned into a plot point and the girls talked about their vaginas a lot.
But a lot of important things were spoken during the hour of "entertainment"—a lot of knowledge darts, if you will—so here's a little breakdown. (Note: Most of these things were said by the breakout reality star of 2014, French Montana, because that guy is a gawd.)
"Pregnant pussy is good pussy."
Said by: Khloe Kardashian, who has never been pregnant. It was hard to tell what prompted Khloe to say this, mostly because every thing that preceded it was bleeped out.
"She got the hands of god."
Said by: French Montana, while receiving a massage from Khloe Kardashian. Just the first of many incredible compliments French would give Khloe throughout the episode.
"French!"
Said by: Mason Disick. God, what I would have given to have seen French Montana jump on that trampoline.
"I have an itchy vagine."
Said by: Kourtney Kardashian. It's amazing how much you learn about the side effects of pregnancy by watching this show.
"Guys, two-minute warning."
Said by: Kourtney Kardashian, ordering two other adults to go to bed. E! really went in on making Kourtney seem like a crotchety, old, pregnant spinster this time around. It felt a little unfair.
"Ah ah ah!"
Said by: French Montana, pretending to be this bird.
“I’m looking to see if a monkey run across this fucking road.”
Said by: French Montana, who was REALLY EXCITED to be around animals in South Africa. French then added, "I'm getting out... and catching it." Dude loves animals.
"Hey butterfly."
Said by: French Montana, talking yet again to an animal. I kept score last night—French spoke to Khloe Kardashian about 60% of the time. The other 40% was spent speaking to and/or about creatures. When is E! giving a full series order for French Montana's safari reality show?
“That ass from the back? I ain’t gonna lie—amazing.”
Said by: French Montana, obviously. Animals and asses, the two things French loves the most. You gotta respect a guy who isn't afraid to say how he feels, though.
