Draft Day: Scouting the Greatest Football Players in Pop Culture History

Yes, it’s still August, but college football season actually starts today. Granted, it’s only Sam Houston State vs. Eastern Washington, two schools that sound made up, but it’s enough to be the official kickoff.

To celebrate, we've turned a keen eye to some college-aged (or younger) players in our favorite football movies and TV shows to determine who would be a blue chip and who’d be left on Signing Day without any offers. It's basically just a reason to talk about how awesome Tim Riggins is, but to keep things professional, let's also imagine how these guys (and, in some cases, girls or dogs) would be evaluated by schools like Alabama—right before they were offered a free sports car for signing a letter of intent.

Andrew Gruttadaro is the Complex Pop Culture news editor. Tim Riggins, if you're reading this, tweet at him here.

Athletic Evaluation: Incredible motor. Once-in-a-generation instincts and hitting power. Extremely coachable, though he does have a tendency to lose his cool in game situations (example: once drop-kicked an opposing player in the end zone). Also, might not be able to play for a team that uses Gatorade.

Pop Culture Evaluation: Bobby Boucher might actually have a mental disability. Or at least a learning disability—he didn’t go to a real school until college. Boucher is a borderline psychotic who has all of the issues of a retired football player, except he hasn’t suffered any debilitating concussions yet. He also might be facing a substantial suspension for his constant harassing of an SCLSU professor named Colonel Sanders.

Athletic Evaluation: Unbelievable leader. Has a nose for the ball and a great athletic body. Runs weirdly wooden, though—watching him run down the sidelines is like watching tape from the Harvard-Yale game in 1968.

PC Evaluation: Julius Campbell might as well be named Jesus Campbell, because he’s that amazing. In a movie starring Denzel Washington, Julius is the coolest guy on the screen. Remember when he hugged Bertier’s momma? Awesome. Sign this guy and then also hire him as your head coach. Strong side 4eva.

Athletic Evaluation: A coach’s wet dream. Does everything right. Oddly, he never makes too many big plays, but clearly makes everyone around him better.

PC Evaluation: I’ve watched “the scene” in Remember the Titans over and over again like it’s the Zapruder. It’s fine that Bertier decided to ride solo through the town and have his own mini-parade, especially because in doing so he bailed on his racist bitch of an ex-girlfriend (shouts to Kate Bosworth). But WHY does Bertier randomly step on the gas like he does? Did he really just get so suddenly excited that he involuntarily put the pedal to the metal? And then who’s this maniac barreling down a Virginia town main street? Did that guy die in the crash? I hope so. All of this is to say that Bertier probably won't be playing in college.

Athletic Evaluation: Unbelievably strong, pure throwing skills. Product of the California quarterbacking pipeline. Has the look and feel of a good QB. Huge downside: appears to have never learned how to pitch or hand off the ball to anyone. It’s really bad.

PC Evaluation: Considering the NFL’s issues surrounding Michael Sam and that whole Richie Incognito mess, Ronnie, who also goes by the nickname “Sunshine,” would almost definitely be a locker room distraction in college. Rumors about how he kissed the high school football team captain would spread like wildfire. And things would only get worse when all his new teammates found out that Sunshine fucked their girlfriends.

Athletic Evaluation: Not actually as good as his record suggests. Strong scrambling skills, weak everything else. Has been benched more than once. Looks like he could be beaten up by Taylor Swift. On the flipside, Saracen has an almost unreal knack for pulling wins out of his ass.

PC Evaluation: Nothing good happens to Matt Saracen, the Angel of Dillon, Texas. His grandma has dementi;, when his dad’s not in Iraq, he’s being a total dick; his mom lives another life; his girlfriend cheated on him because she became a groupie for the worst band ever; and, oh yeah, he gets zero respect from his teammates. Imagine if Richard Sherman started publicly punking Russell Wilson on and off the field after winning the Super Bowl—that’s how Matt Saracen is treated all the time.

Athletic Evaluation: Plays as a tailback but is more likely a fullback. Leads by example. Has major discipline issues—drinking, lateness, fighting—that could squander his talents.

PC Evaluation: OMG guys, Tim Riggins is the coolest. He followed up sleeping with Adrianne Palicki and Minka Kelly by hooking up with his single mother neighbor. And then he sorta became that kid’s surrogate father, all while being a junior in high school? Way cool.

Athletic Evaluation: Easiest comparison is USC-era Reggie Bush. His cuts are deadly, his speed is top-level. Just give him the ball and let him make plays. A can’t-miss recruit. (Though reportedly already verbally committed to TMU. Wait, what’s TMU?)

PC Evaluation: Smash, which is a nickname I suspect he gave himself, is mostly talk. He dogs Matt Saracen all the time, even though they both work at the Alamo Freeze; after blowing his shot with TMU, he acts like a little baby the entire time even though Coach Taylor hooks him up with a Texas A&M tryout; he even talks smack to Tim Riggins. Friday Night Lights went out of its way to tell you that Smash is good, but I never bought it.

Athletic Evaluation: Once-in-a-lifetime body and speed. Uncoachable. Injury prone. Has a serious mouth on him.

PC Evaluation: Why does Boobie hate white cleats so much? I never really got this.

Athletic Evaluation: Apparently impossible to tackle. Very shifty and clever in maneuvering around defenders. Some concern that he has a connection with his previous QB, who is his owner, that cannot be replicated. Should not be on the field during run plays—Air Bud cannot block.

PC Evaluation: I love dogs, but the scene where an opposing player finally tackles Air Bud is one of my favorite football movie moments ever. Every kid the entire movie is like, “No way, dude, I can’t lay out a dog. He’ll die!” But there’s one guy who’s just had enough of being torched by a golden retriever, and he does what needs to be done. That’s not a villain, that’s a pragmatist.

Athletic Evaluation: Mid-level arm strength and accuracy. A serious pain in the ass to coach—he might literally incite a mutiny in the locker room. Changes plays at the line of scrimmage with reckless abandon.

PC Evaluation: Backup quarterbacks must be so geared up and ready to play because of football movies and shows. Lance Harbor goes down in Varsity Blues, Jason Street in Friday Night Lights, Dennis Quaid in Any Given Sunday. At any moment, the star quarterback could suffer a tragic accident that leaves him paralyzed, so be ready, kids. Anyway, Mox basically has the will power of a Buddhist monk, which could help him avoid mistakes as a college QB. Seriously, he turned down a whipped cream bikini’d Ali Larter for pre-Road Trip Amy Smart. Then again, HE DOES NOT WANT YOUR LIFE.

Athletic Evaluation: Big body, hard to move/get around. Actually faster than he looks. It once took six defenders to bring him down. Has a disastrous history with concussions. Actually, he's a huge risk to die on the field.

PC Evaluation: Billy Bob’s full name is…Billy Bob. That’s what’s on the back of his jersey, as if he’s the redneck James Rodriguez. On this same point, Varsity Blues offers no evidence that Billy Bob has a home, a family, or a Social Security number. Don’t trust Billy Bob.

Athletic Evaluation: Strong natural talent, strong desire to win and be the best. Has a huge chip on her shoulder. Good football genes—her uncle won the Heisman Trophy. But teams need to tread carefully—Becky is a girl playing in a league with boys who have not yet hit growth spurts. Also, questions remain about her dedication to the game.

PC Evaluation: Becky looks like this now, so I’m going to discourage anyone from trying to prolong her football-playing career.

Athletic Evaluation: Incomparable strength and power for his age. His quickness is also impressive. Not great for team chemistry, though—he'll have a bad attitude if put on the wrong team.

PC Evaluation: God bless '90s kids movies and their amazing ability to come up with names. Spike Hammersmith was destined to be a linebacking asshole since the day he was named. He was also destined to be the guy who burns out by junior year of high school and ends up date-raping a girl in community college. Shoulda stuck with the Giants, bro.

Athletic Evaluation: Amazing quickness and speed—will set records as a returner. But that's it. Gump doesn't seem to understand any of the rules of football. He needs the ball caught for him and handed to him during returns, and he may not even know what an end zone is. But boy is he fast.

PC Evaluation: Obviously Forrest was meant for bigger things after college, but let's say he decided to go pro after graduating from Alabama instead of enlisting in the army. The future would change in two ways—Devin Hester and Deion Sanders would not hold the NFL record for most return touchdowns, and Lieutenant Dan would have died in Vietnam, and would therefore never have been able to turn into that greasy alcoholic double amputee who abuses prostitutes and haunts my childhood dreams.

Athletic Evaluation: Excellent route-jumper. Great work ethic, very intense. Runs all the time. Has problems listening to authority figures, though it could be argued that he just didn't get along with his high school coach. Also, questions about his dedication to the game once he gets to the college level.

PC Evaluation: The only thing funnier than Tom Cruise playing a spy who kicks everyone's ass is Tom Cruise playing a football player. All the Right Moves doesn't do much to hide Cruise's less than intimidating stature (matching him up with a 6'4" Craig T. Nelson doesn't help), even if he's the best on-camera runner Hollywood has ever seen. Every in-game scene in the movie makes you laugh because this little pipsqueak is somehow the best player on the field. It's less believable than Air Bud. Other than that, great coming-of-age high school football movie.