The 25 Douchiest Bars in Austin

Address: 715 West 6th St.
Website: thedogwoodaustin.com

Dogwood is a nice enough looking bar. Its stone walls and deep-stained hardwood create the ideal haven for drinking a beer, and its outdoor area is perfect for lounging. But come by on a Friday or Saturday night when they turn up the Top 40 louder than it ever should be, and you'll find yourself in the center of a sweaty circle-jerk of the drunken conversation of young business school maggots. The kind of conversation you're ashamed to overhear, let alone be a part of. If you enter with a pretty girl, expect said maggot to get on his knees and plead for her hand in marriage within two minutes. Wooing at its worst, courtesy of Dogwood.

Address: 200 East 6th St.
Website: N/A

If you want a bar with great ambiance, cool music, and exotic drinks, then Logan’s is not for you. Its simple brick exterior seems unassuming enough. But once inside, your vision is held handicap by an impenetrable wall of frat bros. The kind of frat bros that have graduated, but never progressed beyond being frat bros. Someone is always within an inch of being hazed here, usually by a 35-year-old with a popped collar who wants to pass on the rich tradition that started way back when, that time his frat brother passed out in a pool of his own vomit. Unfortunately for us, the ritual lives on at Logan's.

Address: 416 East 6th St.
Website: N/A

“Shot! Shot! Shot!” yells every slimeball who frequents this place, at every possible moment. We don’t think Cheers gets its name from any relation to the old '80s sitcom. This is an absurdly cheap shot bar where they've created a wall of shots for you to choose from. Waitresses walk around with tray tables of—you guessed it—shots. There is a constant, semi-permeable stench emanating from the walls and floor where people have previously puked, spilled something, or released other questionable liquids. This is not the type of place where you take a shot, and leave. It’s a hangout where collegiate pricks stick around and drink until they either—you guessed it—fall down, puke, or spill something on you. And that’s pretty much where the roulette wheel of shit ends at Cheers. With you drinking shots until nobody remembers anybody’s name, because they're ashamed they even knew it in the first place.

Address: 417 East 6th St.
Website: N/A

Touché has historically been marked by the decibel-shattering sounds of bottles breaking as they hit the ground. No, it’s not the bars' patrons, the violators here are the bartenders. Nightly, they practice for some Cocktail-style bartending competition where they whip glasses around and faux-juggle alcohol bottles while making your flair-rific drink, surrounded by enthusiastic douches bobbing their heads to the beat. The beverage du jour here is the Flaming Dr. Pepper, which expects you will be dazzled as cocky showoffs light a shot of cheap booze on fire and drop it into a beer to extinguish the flames. The result is something meant to resemble the taste of the beloved soft drink, but it doesn't, and you're left with nothing to quelch the fire of disgust glowing in your disappointed heart.

Address: 306 East 6th St.
Website: dizzyrooster.com

The Dizzy Rooster is yet another entry in the ever-growing list of bars for ballers-on-a-budget dotting Austin’s famous 6th Street. Its claim to fame is that it was the bar most frequented by the cast of The Real World Austin, where people stopped getting real, and started getting trainwrecked. Since the show aired, there has been a constant presence of enigmatic young turds who live downtown. It's unclear what they do or how they scored a luxe apartment in such a plum location. The Dizzy Rooster is an easy place for them to stumble to and from. There are plenty of easy-access alleyways to use when beverages decide to reverse their digestive path. Do you remember the episode where the Real Worlder gets punched in the face? It's reenacted every night at the Dizzy Rooster. Austin is such a friendly place.

Address: 97 Rainey St.
Website: lustrepearlaustin.com

Off the beaten downtown path lies the up-and-coming watering holes of Rainey Street, an area whose hip, laid back vibe escapes other imbibing areas in Austin, namely 6th Street. The Lustre Pearl appears charming, and not at all worthy of the label we're affixing to it. But look closely, and you'll spot the ever elusive hipster douche. Marked by his tilted bowler hat and perfectly curled handlebar mustache, he can be found sucking down the bar’s overpriced specialty drinks. He can also be seen kinda-sorta playing ping pong on the bar’s outdoor tables, but he'll stop playing long enough to tell you exactly what shade his "You probably don’t know this color" houndstooth pants are. Fuck this bar, and fuck houndstooth.

Address: 501 East 6th St.
Website: coyoteuglysaloon.com

Remember that really shitty movie from around the turn of the century where an aspiring female songwriter gets a job at an all-female NYC bar known for ruthlessly cockteasing its male patrons and—voila!— comes out of her shell? No? Well it doesn’t matter, because the Coyote Ugly isn’t that. Sure, the bartenders are mostly women (we think) and they’ll jump up on the bar and do a little dance for you, but it’s the dance of desperation, a dance so tragically scripted and rote that only the lamest of oblivious posers would stick around to watch. We've only done it once, and we're still heavy with regret.

Address: 606 Trinity St.
Website: ironcactus.com

The rooftop restaurant section of the Iron Cactus sports a great view of the downtown Austin scene, and a decent (if not overpriced) Mexican grill. But drink a few too many margaritas, and wait for the live music to start, and the douche is on! We’re not sure what it is about this place, but it attracts god awful musical acts. Typically cover bands with a certain je ne sais quoi of douche. There’s a perfect blend of it between the singer’s voice, the tone of the guitar, and the overused ride cymbal. Listen for five minutes and you’ll hear it. You can judge the depth of lahoo-zaherr in the audience by how long they stick around and how into it they are. If you last longer than two minutes, you're stronger than us. We'd applaud you if we didn't pity you.

Address: 710 West 6th St.
Website: jblacks.com

Tired of dancing at Molotov? Douchewalk across the intersection to J. Black’s. Their proprietary formula, it seems: Take a nice location, put a large bar in as the centerpiece, expose the natural ceilings, cook some decent food, and maybe we'll attract some of Austin's high society. Proceed to brand it a “feel good kitchen and lounge.” What they couldn't predict? Patrons coming in, and being confronted with an impenetrable wall of assholes. When it’s busy, the bartenders may actually choose to ignore your beverage needs in order to sing along with whatever old school pop-rap song is raping your eardrum at the moment. "Superman that hoe?" Nah. We just want our gin and tonic.

Address: 1607 San Jacinto Blvd.
Website: scholzgarten.com

By almost all accounts, Scholz Garten is not a douchey bar. It’s actually a classic spot off the beaten downtown path with a huge outdoor back patio, great live music indoors and out, and great beers on tap at very reasonable prices. What forces it rightful claim to the douchey title is its proximity to the Texas State Capitol Building. There’s nothing worse than purposely subjecting yourself to an evening of politipuke. Both conservative and liberal blowhards will corrupt your ear with some lame story heavy on the name-dropping and the who-really-gives-a-shit. It doesn’t get douchier than Rick Perry's entire staff, all imbibing under the same roof. If pretentiousness had a home, this would be it.

Address: 219 East 6th St.
Website: thechugginmonkey.com

The Chuggin' Monkey is self-billed as a place where all sorts can come and co-mingle in a laid-back, friendly environment to shoot some pool or lounge on the patio. Supposedly bikers, teachers, and college students can all just swing on over and hang out. But not so fast, friends! The only variety you'll see here is what size of ape is beside you, and what cheap, unexceptional beer he's chugging a tall mug of. If you really want to connect with your inner-douche, buy a T-shirt here. When people see the unfettered tastelessness you choose to drape your bod with, they’ll know to avoid you. At least, we will.

Address: 208 East 6th St.
Website: friendsbar.com

What do you get when you fuse a wannabe Stevie Ray Vaughn blues guitarist with a jazz-style drummer, some over the top wanker slapping a bass, and a collegiate crooner with fewer life experiences than a newborn calf? If you guessed a douchtasm of sound that can’t wait to cream the ears of each passersby, you're right! This bar is so remarkably drab, so uniquely dull, that when combined with the cacophony of dreadful music, you won’t be able to tell if they are trying to draw people in or purposefully keep them out. Let us know if you figure it out.

Address: 407 East 6th St.
Website: librarybars.com

“Hey mom, yeah, tonight I’m totally gonna head over to The Library. Yeah, I know it’s 11:00 at night, but that’s the kind of awesome son I am. I’m gonna get so dru-- I mean, read so many books, and try to bang a slutty... uh... Hey, look! Is that the Dewey Decimal System? Bye mom! Love you!” This sad phone call is regurgitated by the patrons of this bar nightly. When it's not being used as a second-rate coverup, aging skirt-chasers use it to bait laughs and college women. Word on the streets is, sometimes it works. Our heads will never stop shaking.

Address: 222 East 6th St.
Website: recessarcadebar.com

If you put a video game bar featuring free old school games in the part of the 6th Street District so fratty and filthy it’s known as Dirty 6th, expect it to be a Venus flytrap for unsuspecting freeloaders and the ladies looking to ensnare them. Before you head down to Recess, spray on some Axe Body Spray, the Drakkar Noir of the Facebook generation. Your scent is sure to attract the cougars passing by. They're plentiful, and they're in heat. The pour here is rumoured to be weak so you may need a few extra to reach peak Mortal Kombat level, but just know there may be a madam lurking looking to engage you in a more horizontal form of combat. Let the games begin.

Address: 710 West 6th St.
Website: theranchaustin.com

The Ranch is a vast, well-laid spot on West 6th with multiple rooms and DJs mixing some decent, even danceable tunes. There are three bars in this two-level establishment, and each of them are packed to the gills with bros who find fondling one another's balls funny and "accidentally" feel up a lady on her way to get a drink. The Ranch may not be the preeminent Austin spot to be man-handled, but it embodies the spirit of the first guy who noticed his hand matched the curvature of a woman’s ass. The bar's patrons have being playing this dirty game of Memory since.

Address: 2313 Rio Grande St.
Website: cainandabels.com

From the haunches of the University of Texas West Campus region hails this gem of a bar. It’s a barren, lonely place, but it has cheap beers on tap, and a variety of foods that specifically cater to a twenty-year-old’s metabolism. Stumbling distance from most frat and sorority houses, many an illustrious night ends here, and slowly blends into the inevitable walk of shame the next morning. And while we applaud that patrons here opt not to drive home after a night of debauchery, it is still a prick-haven in which nothing cool or poignant has ever happened. Suddenly, that walk of shame makes so much sense.

Address: 403 East 6th St.
Website: N/A

In the heart of the squalor of 6th Street is The Aquarium. Picture a place where the walls are cloaked in a floor-to-ceiling back-lit fish tank with exotic and tropical fish setting the aquatic life vibe. As you sip cocktails with your friends, a clown fish passes by to say hello and reeds sway in the gentle current. Now take that thought and cut the budget by about 80% and you have the Aquarium. You won’t even notice the three sad little wall-mounted guppy tanks in this poorly lit sweat box. You'll be too distracted by the Shot Pong (yeah that’s right, not Beer Pong, but Shot Pong) shitty dance music, and aspiring hussies. This place makes Red Lobster look like Sea World.

Address: 300 East 4th St.
Website: championsaustin.com

“Are you blind? You’re killin’ me, bro!” bellows the inebriated gentleman whose sports team does not seem to be receiving the proper treatment upon the scoreboard that day. For on this day it is he alone that the ref hath doth slain. On a good night, copious amounts of pent up sports rage is hurled at many players on seemingly hundreds of screens whose ears hear not the protests made against them. If you aren’t sporting enough roid rage, the hostess will seat you in what appears to be a “nerd section.” Only here can you be the champion, our jersey-wearing, stereotypical sportsfan douches. Only here can you shine.

Address: 421 East 6th St.
Website: petesduelingpianobar.com

Pete’s has been around at least since piano bars were cool, which by our estimations, was at the start of the 1980s. The bar sports two ivory ticklers who definitely wax talent when listening to the breadth of their tunes in a vacuum. But add in a couple hundred drunk Woo!-birds (Those people that shrilly scream "Woooooo!” anytime they recognize a song) and acknowledge that these guys are playing for tips, and your imbibing experience goes downhill fast. The night's performances are marked by the oldest trick in the tip-procuring book. The pianists play the University of Texas fight song until someone tips them to start playing rival school Texas A&M University’s fight song. Back and forth it goes, with bombastic egos proverbially showing the size of their dick via tipping a piano player in a meaningless drunken competition over a song. Please make it stop.