Another 4th of July has dawned upon us, meaning lots of burned hot dogs (sandwich or nah?) and family arguments about the correct ranking of Young Thug mixtapes. But what if things had gone much differently several hundred years ago on the fateful day that inspired this celebration of red, white, and blue? According to John Oliver, Americans are missing out on one very dope British export: pessimism.
"I wanted to make a video to wish everyone a happy Independence Day or, as they call it where I'm from, July 4 and that's it," Oliver said in a Last Week Tonight web exclusive, as the show is off the air until July 24. "Since 1776, you've done very well as a nation. But it might be worth thinking about just a handful of things that you gave up when kicking Britain unceremoniously out of this country."
Sadly, the variety of accents contained within the United States leaves something to be desired. "These beautiful vowel sounds could have been yours," Oliver noted. "Instead, from sea to shining sea, you speak like you just burnt your tongue on a hot apple pie." Damn, Oliver. It hurts because it's true.
Considering that resembling a "circumcised velvet penis" sounds like something we would all want to do, the fact that Americans taking the independence route broke off our relationships with bowler hats is also a bummer. But, hey, at least we have shit like this:
*weeps for our nation*
"Americans are optimistic people who believe the sky is the limit," Oliver said. "Whereas, in Britain, we are painfully aware of our limits. For instance, look at the British sky itself. Even the sun is incapable of asserting itself there."
Sounds like our kind of place.