Image via Complex Original
If you're into Internet smartassery, you've probably encountered various blogs and tweets mocking the heinous adult pre-school that has opened its doors in Brooklyn. For those of you who haven't stumbled across the gem, you need to know that there is now a pre-school for adults in New York's hippest borough that gives grown-ass folk a safe space to finger paint, play show-and-tell, take naps, and be generally insufferable. If you're looking for a combination of laughter and shaking your damn head, check out their website and/or this Cosmo piece written by one of the "students." Internet hero Nick Mullen attempted to crowdfund money to justify his taking a shit there (not sure what the money was for exactly).
But he was sadly denied.
While this adult pre-school has drawn the ire of the Internet this week, it is by no means the only ridiculous business operating in Brooklyn. Silicon Valley is a hub for tech. Lower Manhattan has long been the home of finance. Brooklyn is the place where quirk and whimsy masquerade as a business model, conspiring to make even the most open-minded bohemians among us gag on the tweeness of it all. Here are The Most Ridiculous Businesses Currently Operating in Brooklyn.
Empire Mayonaise
Location: 564 Vanderbuilt Ave.
Sells: Fancy-ass mayo
Website
In this era of artisanal everything, it seems inevitable that we will someday live in a future where every single food has a store dedicated to it in Brooklyn. Look forward to a dystopian hellscape that features as many tiny, pretentious stores as there are apartments, and grocery shopping will take approximately 72 hours to complete. We haven't yet reached the "foodie singularity" quite yet, but the existence of this artisanal mayonnaise store is proof that this day can not be far off.
Yes, they have bacon, truffle, and Sriracha flavors, you damn dirty hipster.
La Casita Yarn Shop
Location: 253 Smith St.
Sells: Yarn, coffee, wine, and other book club staples
Website
This economy has hit everybody hard. There was a time when you could expect numerous yarn bars and yarn cafes to flourish in a given Brooklyn neighborhood. We no longer live in such a wonderful world. With the closing of Noella Brew Bar, we are left with only La Casita Yarn Shop Cafe to meet our yarn and wine needs. Luckily for all of you yarn enthusiasts out there, La Casita seems up to the challenge. Their mission is to offer "a warm, friendly home away from home for knitters and crocheters to shop, relax, and enjoy one another's company." So, if your favorite yarn bar closes, come down to La Casita where everybody knows your name and can knit it into a sweater.
Twig Terrariums
Location: 287 3rd Ave.
Sells: Terrariums
If you're still nostalgic for middle school science class, why not shell out some cash for your own high-end terrarium? For about $100, you can score your own readymade terrarium. You may not think this is a sound investment, but trust us when we say that any interior decor scheme can be complimented by a jar filled with dirt and grass. If you're feeling D.I.Y., you can purchase a kit and build your own damn terrarium, just like your nerdy-ass forefathers did before you. Aching to make your own terrarium, but don't know where to start? You'd better believe they have classes and workshops for those willing to pay for such things despite the relentless mockery of loved ones.
Brooklyn Grooming
Location: Brooklyn Grooming products are sold wherever fine overpriced men's grooming products are sold, and also at Whole Foods (of course).
Sells: Pricey beard and mustache care items
When you walk around Brooklyn, one of the first things you notice, along with buskers off of the L and more cocktail bars than a neighborhood could possibly sustain, is the well-groomed facial hair. If you thought that top notch mustache curl or that perfectly manicured beard came naturally, think again. Just like all great things in life, perfect facial hair comes at a price. In this case, that price is $30 for beard oil and $22 for mustache wax. Sorry folks, that 1920s dandy look can no longer be had at 1920s prices. If you think that's too much money, shed some tears into your $29 wooden shaving bowl, and get a part time job. Dudes with handlebar mustaches just look like they lead a life of leisure.
Brooklyn Zoo
Location: 230 Bogart St.
Sells: Parkour lessons
There are no sure things in life besides death, taxes, and that you will spend at least an hour of your life watching parkour videos on YouTube. Parkour involves rapidly moving through an environment while negotiating the obstacles that get in your way with feats of athleticism. This can mean jumping between buildings, swinging on pipes, or falling into Dunder-Mifflin's garbage. If you aren't quite ready to take your parkour game to the streets, you can train indoors at the Brooklyn Zoo. Some would say this defeats the whole purpose of parkour. Others would argue that the Zoo Pit, a 11 ft. x 20 ft. long pit filled with foam does look pretty fun.
It almost feels unfair to single out the Zoo, as Brooklyn offers a rich tapestry of absurd fitness opportunities including nude yoga, circus training, and aquatic spin. If all you've ever wanted is to spend way too much money on quirky workouts that provide too little results, paradise is only a congested bridge away.
Royal Palms Shuffleboard Club
Location: 514 Union Street
Sells: Boozy times on the shuffleboard court
Website
If this were a legacy establishment like Manhattan's Russian Turkish Baths, the existence of a shuffleboard club in Brooklyn might be a little more palatable. But, no, the Royal Palms opened last year in a clear attempt to bank on Brooklyn's most reliable export: hipster irony. Though the $40/hour price tag for court time feels a little steep, you have to admit that it might be kind of cool to channel your grandparents' Florida retirement activities for one magical evening. If you can't afford a cruise, now that you can easily take in shitty stand-up comedy and old people sports in the comfort of your own neighborhood.
We Olive
Location: 116 Smith St.
Sells: Olive oil
Like your parents always said, "If you're going to open a store that sells olive oil, at least do it in a bar setting." Alongside its California wines, We Olive specializes in high-end olive oils. In true bar fashion, you can sample them and even order a "flight" if you aren't sure exactly which olive oil will strike your fancy. If after you finish your decadent flight of oils you still aren't sure what to buy, you can always just pick up the $80 olive oil gift basket, and continue the party back at your place.
Brooklyn Super Hero Supply Co.
Location: 372 Fifth Ave.
Sells: Superhero stuff
Sometimes, a little ridiculousness can be kind of wonderful. This store, unlike many of the others on this list, is about a cause more important than holier-than-thou hipsterism and the almighty dollar. The shop, founded by author Dave Eggars, sells the capes, grappling hooks, and suction cups you need to take your heroic deeds to the next level. Proceeds from the store benefit 826NYC, a non-profit writing program for kids. 826NYC is actually located behind the storefront (accessible through a secret passage no less), so the Supply Co. also serves to lure kids into becoming better writers.
There are situations where ridiculousness can be good thing. However, it's important to remember that such situations never take place in adult pre-schools.
